To tell in-laws to do one?

[FriendlyMedusa]

Okay obviously I won't phrase it like that, but DH and I are thinking about sending a message to his family's WhatsApp chat asking them to back off for a bit.

In the last month DH has been made redundant, our beloved cat had to be put to sleep, and I had my fingers broken in a random attack by a stranger. We're both a mess and the last thing we want is to host his parents. They do know about all of these things happening.

Last week they (MIL and FIL) texted that they "must" visit for 3 days in May. We said May is really busy and we're too stressed, how about June? - No reply.
Today they sent a text saying they ARE coming round for 3 days... From tomorrow! They live at the opposite end of the country, FTR, and we do not see them often. DH reiterates that we don't want to and are busy. Cue barrage of guilt-tripping, insulting texts from them:

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

Whew. I don't want to reward this behaviour (it happens every few months) but I'm tempted to just for an easier life. Help?

.

I'm sorry for your DH, any parent who talks about cutting you out of their will is basically saying we can buy your company and if you don't comply we'll cut you off. Can they feel no compassion for the misery you've been through lately, and if they can why would they try to force their company on you when told no. Your poor DH sounds worn down by it all and any decent parent would cut him some slack.

I must admit I'm looking forward to your next update @FriendlyMedusa ...

Hmm you raise something I've been thinking about a lot. DH's uncle died suddenly last year, and the family didn't even notify FIL and MIL, so none of us were invited to the funeral. FIL didn't find out his brother had died for 6 months as said uncle's adult children (DH's cousins) won't speak to him or MIL.

They do seem to have a lot of friends and a big social circle (MIL chairs 3 societies) but it doesn't seem like any of the people they know are actually close.

DH's brother lives in their village though and has never indicated any friction with his parents. He goes on holiday with them every year and visits once a week.

They haven't actually appeared at our house (yet). No idea if they will. They are still sending hourly messages to DH trying to bargain him into seeing them since they're so close by, which he is dutifully ignoring.

I considered a hotel but didn't want to be bullied out of my own home and frankly, couldn't be arsed. That does mean we've spent the whole day unable to relax. Obviously we would not answer if they appeared, but it's still not nice to have to think about.

I suspect being in a hotel wouldn't have been any better. And yes why should they chase you both from your home. It sounds like you DH is doing a brave job....that may be a silly thing to say about an adult but I don't discount how hard it must be for him....hard for you too of course but honestly I think he has it worse.

You'll open your curtains to find them on your drive in the morning , pound to a penny. Your DH needs to reiterate 'no' and you need to not open the door.

This incident and the current situation involving the assault, your injuries, your DH's redundancy and the loss of your poor cat suggests an unpleasant taste on the part of your in-laws for pushing themselves on you when you're at a low ebb. It's certainly not how people treat those they love. As for the threats and admonishments - are they going to turn up and slap your legs? Their tone suggests that they think they can do as they please. You are right to dig your heels in and not let them push you around - people who behave like that will never be appeased for long.

I think tomorrow might be a long day.

Trouble is once their campervan is outside it's basically a siege situation. I'm not sure ignoring them is a game DH can win once they are camped on your doorstep. I think talking to them but refusing to meet would be a far stronger play.

But, I do respect your choice to let him lead. Best of luck. I am aware how bonkers this must sound to people from normal families but that is not what you're dealing with.

@Tortielady "It's certainly not how people treat those they love."

Spot on.

You just do nothing.

If DH calls his folks you politely ask how they
are. If he doesn't call them that's his choice, you don't prompt or remind him. He's an adult and can choose to call or choose to forgot.

You are already low contact with only seeing then 1-2 times a year. Leave him to contact them or respond.l to messages. You don't need his permission to arrange anything you leave everything to DH.

You don't need to have an opinion. It's not your place.

I suspect MIL is a narcissist and FIL her enabler. My parents were like this for decades until they finally divorced. He had peace then.

This is a very familiar set up for me. A few years ago, my DH left a job that was making him dangerously miserable with nothing lined up. His parents were awful to him and it affected his MH so badly I was scared for him. At that time, my dad had just died, I’d just had a miscarriage, my mum was needing a lot of looking after and I was struggling to keep going at work myself. None of that inspired them to treat us with any kindness and, in hindsight, I can’t believe what we tolerated from them. Their priority was making sure they got enough attention, and I just wanted to “keep the peace”.

I cannot begin to describe how good life is when you cut people like this out. It actually wasn’t the intention initially - we just took a couple of months away from them for a break (after they made a scene at a family wedding and accused me of domestic abuse) and it was too good to give up. The rest is history and we see them twice a year for 2 hours at a time but we’re thinking of reducing that to once a year.

Only you two can judge whether a continued relationship with them is feasible or worthwhile but just remember cutting them off is an option.

Maybe self-reflection has ever been a thing to them, likewise realising that there's 2 sons (?maybe other siblings) at different ages living different lives but they are not the same nor should they be compared to each other or be played off against each other. Do his parents not realise that your DH is an adult and he makes his own decisions/with you?
Another pair overstepping and crossing boundaries - sod everyone else and what they have to say, we're doing it anyway.

As for them saying DH is lazy, do you think he's lazy? He must feel bullied by them, not good enough and miserable whenever they're around - and they won't let it drop.

Who is the leader & who does what they're told in their relationship?

Very pushy, my way or else!

Presumably be written out of their will

He should be living his life as he chooses, not being held over a barrel or else! How they behave and what they say says more about them. You should cut them up in conversation and ask them WHY they behave like they do - act curious and watch them squirm.

The consequences would probably be a god send. They sound like my in-laws. Absolutely crackers!

I find myself thinking what on earth people would get out of the sorts of behaviours you've described, OP.

Turning up at a house when you've been explicitly told not to visit... Waiting around (which is presumably pretty boring and horrible) and sending barrages of texts... Trying to manipulate, guilt-trip, beg your adult child into agreeing to see you - and therefore surely knowing that if you grind them down and they say yes, they'll be talking to you under sufferance and will know full well that you're desperate for them to leave (because let's face it, surely any veneer of politeness / pleasant family normalcy would look pretty thin when you've had to lurk around and repeatedly demand entry in order to get your foot in the door).

When they do get to speak to your DH, do they enjoy his company? Do they find being around him fun or interesting in any way? Can they relax in your home? Is there bonding? Or do they basically demand and beg to spend time with someone with whom they don't get on well and who seems to hate them?

Or is it more that they think your DH needs their help, or that they need his? Are the accusations of laziness coming from a place of fear on their part? Are they doing this because they are convinced they need to save your DH in some way or are totally over-invested in somehow shaping him in a certain way?

The only reasons I can think of that your DILs would trample over your and your DH's boundaries in this awful way is a) they are deeply worried for his safety / wellbeing and see themselves as effectively needing to visit to stage an intervention (but if that's the case, why only ask to visit a couple of times a year? Is there a trigger that makes them think it's urgent? Are they in any way justified in their concerns? or that b) they are experiencing some awful mental health difficulties that lead them to act out of great personal distress (again, I wonder what triggers this to build up to the point where they suddenly try to insist?). It's always possible that it's all some sort of twisted power trip which is ultimately motivated by a desire to boost their own egos by 'reeling their son back in' but I suspect that would probably be encompassed by some combination of a and b in itself.

Your DH's behaviour sounds maddening, and like it could well contribute to emotional distress and confusion on your DILs' part (pretty awful to have someone who seems to convey a desire for your relationship with you at times and then ignores you for ages. That would upset most people more than someone just cutting them off!). But then again, he will have grown up with these people, and it sounds like they are good at evoking guilt and at insulting him horribly, so perhaps how he is is pretty understandable in the light of growing up with those dynamics. Some people are almost impossible to set boundaries with because they just cannot or will not tolerate them - it's often to do with how they in turn were raised and treated when young and the deep insecurities they carry as a result.

Hm, not sure why this has prompted such a rant from me. So sorry about your fingers btw and the horrible things you and your DH have been through lately!

Get them to come, but to HELP you both. It might be one or both of them has a health issue you don't know about, and it's understandable they want to see the child they spent their whole lives helping, and his partner.
Now if they refuse to help or are nasty, that's different.

I now think that in all probability, it is much more likely that the OP is the one who has been causing the most mental abuse in that relationship. Which still doesn't excuse the in-Laws awful texts, but it might go somewhere to explaining them? Figuratively speaking, I am expecting a lot of red arrows for my change of heart!

Is this rage bait? 🙄
You cannot be serious with this?
🚩🚩🚩

If your dh doesn’t want to step away completely from his parents then it’s better to take control

If I were him I’d want to organise visits myself. Either at yours or theirs it doesn’t matter as long as he (and you if it’s an invite to yours). organises it. Then after each visit he immediately organises the next. He’s in control and they know where they stand

However if he doesn’t want any contact then that’s his choice but he must make up his mind and tell them. It’s ridiculous your dh sits there ignoring the phone.

Thanks. I read all that and thought "MIL is that you??" 😂

Yes, I think you may have found your MIL :)

You should have booked the hotel. Hope they didn't turn up.

My SIL left hers on the drive and called the police, she was at her wits end. They came and told them to leave.

Maybe they have some grave news to share?
Have an operation booked for the following month?

They are your parents and you said you rarely see them so I would make their journey worth while.
Be welcoming.

Suggest that, due to your difficult month and the timing of the visit, you will all be eating out each night. Don't cook. Don't do any thing you can notmanage easily. They are your family not guests to be hosted.

Suggest that the children take adventures with them for some hours each day to a local lovely park or stately home or zoo.

Try to keep calm and civil. You might all enjoy it.