To tell in-laws to do one?

[FriendlyMedusa]

Okay obviously I won't phrase it like that, but DH and I are thinking about sending a message to his family's WhatsApp chat asking them to back off for a bit.

In the last month DH has been made redundant, our beloved cat had to be put to sleep, and I had my fingers broken in a random attack by a stranger. We're both a mess and the last thing we want is to host his parents. They do know about all of these things happening.

Last week they (MIL and FIL) texted that they "must" visit for 3 days in May. We said May is really busy and we're too stressed, how about June? - No reply.
Today they sent a text saying they ARE coming round for 3 days... From tomorrow! They live at the opposite end of the country, FTR, and we do not see them often. DH reiterates that we don't want to and are busy. Cue barrage of guilt-tripping, insulting texts from them:

"You seem to lead very chaotic lives but that is no excuse to not spend time with us."
"You have really upset [MIL]. This is not acceptable. "
"You will not be welcome at our home again until you apologise to [MIL]."
"We are still driving up tomorrow. If you will not at least meet us for a couple of hours, there will be consequences."

Whew. I don't want to reward this behaviour (it happens every few months) but I'm tempted to just for an easier life. Help?

If you say do @FriendlyMedusa. However, I would have always spoken out if either my parents, or my MiL, had a moan about, or insulted my DH, If I thought that would make my DH feel awkward, I would have done it when he wasn't there. Whenever there is a Mumsnetter thread about people being rude to the OP in any sort of social situation, most of the responses say that the OP has a husband/partner problem if he didn't speak out in defence of his wife/partner.

IMO, there shouldn't be a sex diference in that sort of situation. If my DH actually forbade me from saying anything (and he wouldn't), I would refuse to personally spend any more time in their company until both my DH and me both had received what sounded like a sincere apology, with the promise to try to not say anything like that again, and for them to agree to be pulled up on it straight away if they do, so that nothing festers.

But you haven't chosen to do either of those things, FriendlyMedusa, you have apparently chosen to let it happen every time they see your DH, so in effect you are giving them the message that it is fine for them to be constantly so negative about their DS, and to everyone else - possibly including your DH - that you appear to care more about their hurt feelings, than you do about your own DH's. If you would prefer to wait until you feel calmer, and then to write a letter to them, where you can think carefully about how you word it first, then maybe do that instead? I just feel that I should add a little reminder here, that the written word can usually last much longer than any words that might be either misunderstood, or said in haste in the heat of the moment.

I do hope that you can all adapt appropriately, and can therefore, at least tolerate any future visits between yourselves. If things are really in a dark place at the moment, does your DH have someone like an uncle that both 'sides' trust, and who would be willing to mediate during a set meeting between the four of you? Good luck.

Actions speak WAY louder than words. Always.

Before he went NC with his mum, my DH basically asked me not to call her out on the stuff she said as he didn’t want it to be awkward or for her to turn nasty on me. It’s not really unusual in family dynamics like this. It sounds like you’re lucky enough to be surrounded by reasonable people, so that’s good.

They may do, godmum 56, but I think it is easier to be either confused, or just not understand at all, if actions are the only communication without any words being spoken. If the OP, and her DH, decided to go absolutely no contact without explaining to his parents why, I think that that would not only be a cruel thing to do, but would almost certainly lead to the in-Laws constantly trying to ring/text or turn up in person, in order to try to find out why they never have their messages answered, and are never contacted by their son.

They’ve parked up nearby??? After everything you’ve said.

That’s horribly manipulative of them, and downright rude.

Please let us know what happens. They sound appalling. Your poor DH.

Text back, 'Sorry we won't see you but, as we've said, this weekend is really busy and it's impossible'.
Then ignore further attempts at communication.

Are these people who often fall out with others? Do they have a stream of stories about relatives and friends who turned out to be inexplicably horrible and cut them off? Or do they have a wide circle of happy friends and family?

You really don't understand the actions of narcissistic people do you? You have clearly never had to deal with shit like the op has posted so maybe keep your opinions to yourself. Stop telling her off ffs.

Dear lord , what a bunch of lunatics & screw the apology … Why should you apologise for not being able to host them ? I agree that they should be able to visit but it must be at a mutually convenient time , not for days on end & not just what suits them .

This! And mean it.

You need to hold your boundary and go through the pain of it to come out the other side with any kind of workable relationship.

Or no relationship and them leaving you alone.

But you can’t go on as you are, rewarding this behaviour.

They really do sound very unpleasant- forcing themselves on you 4 days before moving!! I hope they at least helped with packing ... but I bet they didn't.

The barrage of insulting and abusive texts they sent after you sent the 'don't come now, come in June' message makes them sound unhinged.

And constantly calling your DH lazy, and other rude terms is actually psychological and emotional abuse.

I can understand how, as it's down to you to metaphorically pick him up again after their visits or phone calls, you would rather go NC with them.

I hope you manage to get rid of them later on, even if you and/or DH decide to spend a couple of hours with them.

💐

I’d message back & say we won’t be in. If they do turn up I wouldn’t answer the door & put my car round the corner so you look out.

I wasn't answering you or talking about that.

This thread is so frustrating 😂

Have they turned up at your door yet OP?

One of the consequences they bring up from time to time is cutting DH out of their will.

That’s so nasty. And sounds desperate.

I agree with PP that your DH must be assertive if they’ve headed to visit you in a camper-van without your agreement and are parked up nearby. It’s ridiculously pushy. As a compromise, could your DH say you’ll meet them for lunch/dinner somewhere, rather than have them at your home? They’ll have to stay on a campsite.

IMHO, best for him not to cut all contact. But make it v clear that family get-togethers must be organised with plenty of notice and at a mutually convenient time. And could you meet for weekends away, rather than them staying with you? So the meet ups are more like a family holiday rather than visits. Might help with dynamics.

Does DH have siblings?

Adding that continued contact must be with the caveat they refrain from abuse (e.g. calling him lazy), passing judgement or giving unsolicited advice. 100% not acceptable.

Oh, I do understand what you are saying OneFineDay, and thank you for your pleasant reply.

Unfortunately, I have had some experience at going NC with family members, as my DDad's brother just disappeard out of my Grandmother's and Dad's lives many years ago, I fact that will have been in either the late 1940's, or the early 1950's. However, as I wasn't born until the late 1950's, I never met him myself. I do know that at one stage my devastated Grandmother - whose DH had died when my DDad was just 7 years old - from contracting Septicemia whilst tending his Lupins in their garden - contacted the Salvation Army to look for him, but after doing so, they told my poor Grandmother that they couldn't find him. Whether that was true, or not, and he just didn't want to be reunited with his mother, I don't know.

After my Grandmother died - in 1979 I think - and I was a young adult, I spoke to my Dad about me searching for my Uncle, but my Dad got quite cross as he never wanted to have anything to do with his brother after he had treated his Mum so terribly. So, a while after my DDad died I went on line, and discovered my Uncle's death certificate, dated in the 1990's, so he had been alive in all of the intervening years.

Quite strangely, after both my DMum had died, and then a couple of years later, after my DDad died, my brother and I, who had never been close as he was quite a lot older than me, ended up falling out, but not dramatically, and we have never been in contact since, which must have been about 10 years ago now. He used to work and live in many different countries, so I have no idea where he lives now, and he has no idea where I live, but as we have hardly anything in common, I really have no desire to ever see him again. Apart from my brother, I am very lucky and blessed to have the extended family that I now have, thank you . I hope that you and your DH are now in a much happier place since going no contact with your MiL.

NB: Very sadly, my paternal Grandfather died a few years before Penicillin was licenced for doctors to prescribe. My DDad had always believed that his DDad would have survived if Penicillin had already been approved of officially, and very sadly, he missed him for the rest of his life. Hopefully they are reunited now.

I'd message: we are busy and unavailable...we have warned you. We won't be apologising for a situation that you've caused when you refuse to take no for an answer. If you drive up, it will be a wasted journey as we won't be in and you aren't welcome at this time.

(We cut our inlaws off for repeated behaviours similar to this, as well as worse issues that I won't get into here.)
Set your boundaries firm. I wouldn't entertain it and I'd make sure we were out somewhere lovely.

I would have messaged back "if you don't back the f*ck off, there will be consequences". Fair enough they want to meet, but being guilted in to meeting them when you are having a bad time is ridiculous. Tell them DH has job interviews 3 days in a row.

You've had a very naive existence if you think people don't randomly at like this. They absolutely do.

When I first started seeing my partner of 17 years, his parents just couldn't get their head around the fact that I'm estranged from my father - at that point it had been for 20 years (now 37).

His father saw fit to lecture me, a then 41 year old woman, about how I had a 'duty' to get back in touch with him. I asked what about my father's 'duty' as parent to actually be there - as in the same fucking country - when I was in a serious car accident when I was 17, or when I was diagnosed with cancer at 21? His judgement based on knowing nothing about me or my father really pissed me off and is one of the many reasons why I detest him (and now deceased MIL)

Your husbands words aren't matching his actions. At the end of the day it's the actions that count. I'd leave him to deal with his parents going forward. And I certainly wouldn't be seeing them this weekend!

So it's a bit of a pattern that when things are really tough and you're not available to host they do their announced thing with the guilt messages of MiL's 'devastation' when you obviously point out what they know - that this is a really difficult, inconvenient time and is going to cause you issues.

I wonder what it is about knowing you're having these difficult times that triggers this behaviour in them? What meets their needs in inflicting themselves when you're unwilling and they know it will stress/inconvenience you, in getting MiL having a melt down, and then having a high stress miserable and angry visit all round?

Those texts messages are full of criticism, guilt and threats. You are both going through a rough time and this is what they send? These are not good people.

Why do they think he is lazy? Due to not seeing them? Or lazy for other reasons?
Why do they give such short notice? That is not reasonable tbh. The time you were moving in 4 days, you ought to have said no way to that visit.

Just reply that you are devastated by them, just mirror them. Say you want an apology. Copy them, at least you’ll be amused and they might get the message to be more considerate.

If they had any respect for you both and your situation, they wouldn’t behave like this. They are playing the victim and making you feel guilty when you’re at a very low point currently. I would reiterate that you have told them the timing isn’t convenient and next month works better, you have given them notice. Be polite but firm. You don’t owe them
an apology. My own mother is like this, creates drama, doesn’t respect boundaries then demands apologies when you haven’t done anything wrong. Put your foot down.