AIBU to make DS16 reports sexual messages sent from his phone?

[BusyJoker]

DS (year 12) has been tutoring a year 9 girl for about a year. He told me that someone stole his phone without his knowledge during sixth form today and started mass sending sexual messages to all the girls in his contacts on snapchat. One of the people that was messaged is the year 9 girl DS is tutoring saying something along the lines of "Do you want to hook up I'm horny." DS was friends with the person before the incident and the person did it as a "joke". I encouraged DS to inform his school about this situation but he is refusing to do so as he doesn't want to be seen as a snitch by others and is saying his friend did a joke that crossed the line. What should I do? What action will the sixth form take against the pupil likely if informed?

To likelysuspect.

You seem to minimise this - why? It’s not ‘embarrassing’, it’s creepy, especially where the child he is tutoring is concerned

Even If you believe it was his friend who sent the messages, he is still responsible.

I agree - he’s going to have quite a lot of nicknames I imagine.

Why does he even have the girl's number? Any reputable tutor would liaise with the parents, in part to protect themselves.

If he is going to work as a professional tutor he needs to behave like one- he should not be adding someone he tutors to Snapchat

My children's tutors message me. They wouldn't dream of adding my children as contacts on social media. They don't even have their phone numbers.

It's not graphic thank god but hooking up because horny means meeting for sex. You can't say that to a 14 year old.

As he doesn't want to snitch on his friend, perhaps he should talk to his friend about how unfunny his joke was and what the consequences may well be. At the very least your son is likely to lose his tutoring job and not get another one because word will get round. So there is his reputation ruined as well as the more serious safeguarding / police issues. He should ask his friend to own up so that he doesn't have to snitch. A good friend would do that but then a good friend wouldn't have sent those messages in the first place. And I suggest he does that by text so he has his friend's replies and hopefully admission on record.

You might want to have a conversation with him about how not snitching/ tattling becomes more complex when adult issues are involved. And that sometimes not snitching is almost as bad as what has actually occurred.

This
Amazing how some teens behave and language..my child caught a bus with teens talking about girls...
I would be disgusted if he knew it was wrong even a younger person.

There are a worrying number of posters minimising this - apparently just because he didn’t send a dodgy photo, it’s all good.

Presumably they are missing that the message went to a 13/14 yo girl who he is tutoring?

It seems unlikely that a 16 yo would leave his phone unlocked and unsupervised. He is culpable regardless.

I don’t buy the “friend” story. Teens are very savvy and careful with their phones.

Ultimately he was responsible for messaging a 13/14 yo to hook up.

I wonder how many people would be fine with that if she was their daughter?

He needs to stop tutoring her immediately and take whatever consequences are coming his way. Even if it was a friend and he gives their name, are they going to admit it? If the police get involved then all they will know is it came from his phone.

He should be liaising with the parents, not the girl

And I hope he's tutoring her in her house, with another adult in the building, and the door open, to protect himself from false allegations

OP, in your shoes, I'm not sure I'd be running to the police just yet. But I would contact the girl's parents to (1) explain what's happened, (2) tell them your DS has deleted her number from his contacts, (3) ask them to get the girl to delete his number too and (4) ask whether they wish him to continue tutoring her

This. Take control of the situation before the parents find out from their dd and go ballistic.

Exactly that - being in direct contact with her is not going to help him!

The OP has no intention of contacting the police because she’s minimising this. It would be a lot worse if the girl’s parents do.

Even worse if the girl doesn’t feel she can tell her parents about it.

I think he should step down immediately from tutoring the girl as continuing to do it is going to look rather dodgy.

Well this one comment is what he is admitting to. I bet there's more.
Teens tend to minimise and share as little as possible.

I also think the comment upthread pointing out that unread SnapChat messages can be deleted, and (given it happened during the school day where she should not have her phone), there was every chance a prompt deletion would have prevented her ever seeing the message, all points to the message being from him and he fully intended her to see it.

I hope her parents go to the police and your son gets in serious trouble. Whoever sent the text, he doesn't seem to care about the victims of this sexual harassment.

Exactly. It’s sexual harassment and actually I hope all the girls in his phone who received this message report him.

Young women need to be encouraged to push back against this shit. They shouldn’t need to but apparently grown adults (I am guessing most of the ones minimising this have sons) don’t see the issue.

I'm disappointed but not surprised to see how many comments there are minimising this.

I don't have any legal expertise to say whether this is a criminal matter but I work for a multi-academy trust and I can categorically state that this would be grounds for permanent exclusion in every one of our secondary schools with a sixth-form. The aggravating factor which would ultimately tip it against him is the fact that he only had the girl's phone number because he was in a position of trust as her tutor. Our governors would be supportive. In reality, once the parents realised this they would usually choose to withdraw the student and find another setting for Year 13, rather than have a PEX on their record just before the UCAS process begins.

We would also treat his claim that his friend stole his phone with extreme scepticism. In my experience teens are pretty savvy about locking and securing their phones.

We would probably also have to look at implementing a policy on older students entering into private tutoring arrangements with younger students.

Are you sure it wasn't your son?

Sorry to ask.

I can’t believe the parents of a Year 9 girl would engage an older teenage boy to ‘tutor’ her, are they mad? Clearly inappropriate and your son has demonstrated one of the reasons why. If he is so immature as to be more bothered about being called a ‘snitch’ than standing up to do the right thing, he is too immature for a position of responsibility.

Cannot believe you are allowing him (a child, as you keep stressing) to decide how to handle this. Very poor parenting. You need to phone his HoY THIS MORNING.

Seriously - do you really not understand how serious this is for your son - he needs to go to the police and school today - he is in a position of trust with the younger individual and this is sexual harassment and NOT a joke - as you seem
to be treating it - please support your son to a look after himself and b support the female who has been targeted

You are the parent, so parent.

He is 12 and it is not about what he wants or does not want...

Report the incident to the school and to the police because this what the parents of the girls who are receiving this message will do.

Whoever stole the phone is the one who needs to face the consequences of their action. At the moment you are leaving your child open to a lot of trouble.

Of course there is also the possibility that he sent the messages. Which is why this needs to be independently investigated.

Oldest trick in the book to claim someone else got access to your phone/social media and sent inappropriate messages. Either he did it himself and is telling OP a half-arsed story which she is blindly believing, OR he and his mate were in cahoots, doing it together and thinking it was hilarious. If OP really believed her son was innocent, she would be reporting this immediately.

Thanksithas glad to hear that your schools act the misogynistic grim boys at DDs 6th form had zero consequences for their behaviour despite many witness statements from the girls and many of the decent boys. Depressing.