AIBU to make DS16 reports sexual messages sent from his phone?

[BusyJoker]

DS (year 12) has been tutoring a year 9 girl for about a year. He told me that someone stole his phone without his knowledge during sixth form today and started mass sending sexual messages to all the girls in his contacts on snapchat. One of the people that was messaged is the year 9 girl DS is tutoring saying something along the lines of "Do you want to hook up I'm horny." DS was friends with the person before the incident and the person did it as a "joke". I encouraged DS to inform his school about this situation but he is refusing to do so as he doesn't want to be seen as a snitch by others and is saying his friend did a joke that crossed the line. What should I do? What action will the sixth form take against the pupil likely if informed?

Also, if he didn’t want to “snitch” he could say he didn’t know who did it. Just that his phone was taken and when he got it back he saw these messages had been sent. But it can’t be left unaddressed or he will get into trouble.

'Someone else did it on my phone' is the modern version of "a big boy did it and then ran away'.

It’s no wonder the manosphere exists - all these young men are being lead to believe their behaviour is someone else’s fault

Have I missed the part where the OP's child is responsible for the message?

To be honest the school or the parents may involve the police (and rightly so), but the important thing is, if the OP's child had nothing to do with it, that he minimises the consequences for himself by showing that he is taking this very seriously.

He should already be in trouble! It has been done now so he should face up to the consequences of his behaviour before it escalates.

That won't be your decision, I'm afraid.
As others have said, get ahead of this and talk to his head of year - he clearly doesn't undertand the gravity of this.
He's your child, not your friend.

OP is this a rage bait thread?
Are you joking?

This is beyond serious and if it's true you should have phoned the police asap. It's sexual harassment and it is a criminal matter.
You are really do not realise how seriously this could affect your son's future.

He claims it was his friend but come on - it seems unlikely. But even if it was his friend, he’s still responsible for not keeping hold of his phone.

So either way he does have something to do with it and should face the consequences

At least if you report to the police, it doesn’t look like you are protecting him. However you are determined to minimise what he did so I realise you probably won’t bother

Wow, no need to be so aggressive. He went straight to his mum for advice, so I doubt he is lying, but either way, we have no evidence. Perhaps the OP, who may have witnessed her son's distress at the situation, is better placed to decide whether to believe him or not.

He must contact the parents of the girl he’s tutoring and tell them what happened and apologise. He must tell his head if year immediately too. He may well get a visit from the police. You must encourage him to speak up or risk his own future.

As his mother, she’s probably the last person to be able to see the situation dispassionately. Of course he went to his mum - he knew that it would come out so he was taking pre-emptive action.

Like I said, if the messages were sent from his phone then he’s responsible (if nothing else for letting his mate use his phone).

OP clearly doesn’t think it’s that serious (apparently because they are both under 18).

His distress is actually not relevant. How would you feel if a 16 yo messaged your 13/14 yo daughter? Would it be okay if he was upset about it?

Yes the sexist grim boys in DDs 6th form weren’t problem dealt with or expelled because their parents kicked off 🙄.

I understand not wanting to snitch on a mate for smoking behind the bike sheds or buying booze into school or doing something stupid (but pretty harmless) like that, but this is a totally different thing. He doesn’t want to snitch because it’s totally made up. If it’s not made up, the school will probably be able to check CCTV. Most schools have it now.

If it wasn’t him and you contact the school and tell them, they can check the CCTV and this will all be over and done with. Even if there’s no CCTV, there will probably be at least one witness who can back your son up. I think you probably don’t want to report it because you know he’s guilty. My DD isn’t 14 yet, but I have a teenage niece and if I got wind this had happened to her I would be at that school myself to get to the bottom of it. If her dad got wind of it I doubt he’d be level headed.

You need to get on top of this fast. That girl may well go to her parents and tell them her tutor has made a sexual advance towards her and you don’t know what they will do.

I would say if you don't grass the person who did it then you'll be responsible for the messages. And it will make it look like this phone thief is a fiction and you're covering up your own guilt.

It is his fault anyway because if he had locked it down and kept hold of it, his fictional friend couldn’t have done it.

If he isn’t mature enough to prevent this (and OP seems to think he’s still a child) then his phone needs to be removed.

I don't think OP doesn't think it's serious, more looking for reassurance as it's a serious matter and she is rightly concerned. She's fully aware of how it looks. I think we can all lay it out without being aggressive and accusatory without cause.

I don’t think reassurance is what is needed. It’s a serious matter, and it needs to be treated as such. Sexually harassing children - not a good look, regardless of justification

Professional tutors are not 16/17 and still in school. He’s not a professional tutor.

That's just semantics. I would never hire a teenager as a tutor. But if he is charging for his tutoring services then he needs to conduct himself professionally. As a minimum he should follow basic safeguarding rules

If I were the Year 9 girl's parent the best way of stopping me going nuclear would be as follows:

• Your son proactively calls her parents and tells them what has happened;
• He apologises profusely, says that he understands the seriousness of it and that, although it was someone else who sent the messages (presumably not knowing who she was, nor her age), he takes full responsibility for having not protected his phone and contacts in such a way that this was able to happen and has taken a lesson from this;
• He says he fully understands if they or their daughter would rather not continue the tutoring;
• He says he will be entirely guided by them as to next steps, if any, including whether or not he apologises directly to their daughter, and asks that his explanation and apology be passed on to her, if appropriate.

Essentially I think he needs to be supremely mature and get ahead of this if he doesn't want to potentially end up in a messy criminal situation.

If there is any report to the police, having done this immediately can only help him, I'd have thought.

my friend's son who was under 16 at the time messaged a girl who was also under 16 at the time and they exchanged some inappropriate messages. The Girl'S parents notified the school and the police. Both of them were spoken to by the police . even though the message were 'consensual' the police said she could not consent because she was under the age of consent. Vice versa, if my friend had complained the girl would have been because he couldn't consent. Nothing came of it but they were both spoken to by the police and it was taken seriously and this was years ago.

I find it highly unlikely that your son is telling the truth that his friend took the phone in the short amount of time that it is unlocked and sent messages but if he's telling the truth I need to get a new friends and make sure his friend takes the rap for this.

Sure. His ‘friends’ sent the messages. He likely realises he fucked up and is now panicking and making up a cover story. 🙄

This.

Yeah you're not wrong. It seems pretty obvious there was no 'friend'. And as you say if there was he's not responsible enough to keep his phone safe and locked.