AIBU to make DS16 reports sexual messages sent from his phone?

[BusyJoker]

DS (year 12) has been tutoring a year 9 girl for about a year. He told me that someone stole his phone without his knowledge during sixth form today and started mass sending sexual messages to all the girls in his contacts on snapchat. One of the people that was messaged is the year 9 girl DS is tutoring saying something along the lines of "Do you want to hook up I'm horny." DS was friends with the person before the incident and the person did it as a "joke". I encouraged DS to inform his school about this situation but he is refusing to do so as he doesn't want to be seen as a snitch by others and is saying his friend did a joke that crossed the line. What should I do? What action will the sixth form take against the pupil likely if informed?

Sorry OP but I think his story sounds like a typical teenage boy, who has made a big mistake and is now panicking. It seems extremely unlikely that your son was able to have his phone out on his desk, unlocked during a lesson. The new legislation around children’s use of phones in schools has been widely discussed in my school this week in staff briefings and it’s been made clear to us that phones should be never used, seen or heard during school hours. I’d be surprised if schools weren’t on top of this, particularly at the moment.
You need to speak to the Safeguarding Lead at your son’s school immediately so they can take steps to support the Y9 child involved in this.
It’s likely this will have serious repercussions on your son’s education. However, I would urge you to do the right thing here and safeguard the young girl (girls) who received these messages.

You need to parent, this is not his choice.

Isnt it odd how some mothers of boys are so protective of them and minimise their hideous behaviour? you see it on here - ‘not a bad lad’, ‘it was
someone else’, ‘he didn’t really mean it’. No wonder their sons then often grow up to be nasty little misogynists.

If I saw a message like that on the phone of my 13 or 14 year old, who would therefore be under the age of consent, sent by a boy aged 16/17 who was therefore over the age of consent, I would definitely report it to his school and possibly to the police as I would be concerned that he was a threat to underage girls. I certainly wouldn’t contact him before doing so, so there is no way your son can be certain whether her parents have seen it.

If it really was sent by a friend, he would be a fool not to explain the position to the school at least, ahead of any report.

He's a child, you need to protect him This could have major ramifications for his future.

I'm not sure why you're taking such a passive stance, OP. You are the parent, your child came to you for advice, you should act. Your son needs to understand that 'snitching' is necessary in serious situations (which this is) and, if his 'friend' was an actual friend, he would be as concerned about your DS as your DS is about him. If he doesn't learn this now, when will he? When, as an adult, he fails to stop or report another friend harassing or attacking a young woman? Theft? Drugs? Bullying? Violence? When will he learn what he should not stay silent about?

Since he seems to be too immature to understand potential consequences, I would explain that you have a responsibility to report this to the school, as it is your job to keep him safe.

Yes, they’re all about protecting girls and feminism and all that, except when it’s their precious, innocent son who would NEVER.

It’s disgusting and depressing.

Bollocks. I can’t believe your innocence / ignorance around current sexual parlance - either you’ve been out of the loop of dating for a long time or you’re over-60. Let me translate:

“Do you want to hook up - I’m horny” = “do you want to have casual sex, I’m feeling sexually aroused”.

HTH.

I disagree. My otherwise sensible son did this with a group of friends at a sleepover. They used the fingerprint thing to unlock while their friend was asleep. They sent some stupid message to all the friends contacts. I made it very clear to him that it was awful behaviour

The big error here was op's child having someone they tutor as a SM contact. That should never have happened. It's basic safeguarding

I don’t think i have ever read such a thread where someone is coming across as so uneducated! Your son needs to report this to the police and if he doesn’t then you need to now. If my year 9 daughter got a message like that from a tutor I wouldn’t be getting the school involved it would be the police. Being a tutor he is a position of trust and it could be seen as grooming. If your son is innocent as he says then he should be happy to make that report.

if he’s not then I’d be seriously worried that the story he is telling you is made up. If it is then he needs to admit his mistake and do some serious damage control and growing up.

If my daughter aged 13 received that message from a boy aged 16, who we were also employing as a tutor id be absolutely horrified and would be reporting this to the Police and the school with or without my daughters support.

Same

(Although I cannot imagine being stupid enough to employ a 16 year old boy to tutor a 13 year old girl tbh)

This is not a friend, OP. Your DS needs to report him.

I’m usually pretty magnanimous / level-headed / non-reactionary…. And even I would have already reported to Police (both if I were the young female victim’s parent and if I was OP.

Nothing to fear? Then report and clear his name.

In denial? Leave it to come to bite him.

this no ifs ands or buts

Don’t you see the girl who he tutors parents will report him to police .
You need to give your son an ultimatum, he & his friend have to go to the principal together or else you will have to go in .
This could get very serious very fast .
Teenage boys can be so immature, as in his friend , I’m sure he was just larking about , but look at it now .

Keep him safe? No her job is to ensure he doesn’t pose a threat to others

‘Larking about’ isn’t much of a defence for sexual harassment

Oh ffs sake relax 🙄.
Teenage boys can be immature, his friend was larking around .
”Hideous behaviour “ , calm down.
It wasn’t this carefully thought out plan .
They weren’t stalking anyone , harassing a girl at school .
Have you ever been around teenage boys when you were a teen yourself ?
It’s something that can be sorted out .
They just have to go & do exactly that right now before it gets out of hand .

In your position, I would have checked Ds's phone to see if indeed it had gone out to every girl, this would confirm for me it was a prank. I would also encourage (as your ds has done) a message to all the recipients; I would go through the girls with him and check it was peers only and not young cousins etc; and he should most definitly go to the students house and apologise profusely to both her and her parents. I understand the peer pressure re snitching but I think the school should have a heads up in case they have complaints, even if he won't disclose the boys name.

You know & I know there was no one being harassed .
It was exactly that , larking around .
A message sent to all the girls he has on snap chat by his friend acting the fool .
However, It is something that could turn serious so it has to be acted on straight away.
Number one going to school , number 2 calling to the young girl he tutors house to apologise & explain.

Whoever wrote the message is a potential problem for girls and women in the future because they think messages as outline in OP are a joke.
They aren't.

Ok so regardless of his age, standing by while a friend sexually harasses a child and not reporting it, is not a character trait you want him taking into adulthood. Teach him NOW not to stand by and let these things happen to women.

It is both. We don't know OP's son. Presumably she feels it is reasonable to believe him when he said his phone was stolen and someone else sent the messages. If that's true, it needs to be reported to prevent her son being seen as the one sexually harassing other students. The school also needs to deal with whoever did send the message.

If you don't act fast, he is going soon on the sex offenders register and never be able to teach or tutor