aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

As a mother of adult children of both sexes, it isn’t as easy, I agree. I don’t agree that historically MILs have been critical and difficult with DILs necessarily, anecdotally it’s six of one and half a dozen of the other. The sensitivity and respect needs to go both ways. From the MILs side, this is the woman your son has chosen and you need to get on board with it. From the DILs side this woman is your husband’s mother and he loves her and has every right to maintain a relationship with her. She brought him up to be the man you’ve chosen as a father for your children. Both sets of parents have equal status in your new family unit. It’s been said more than once on this thread that the OP needs to build a relationship with her DIL, like she’s 100% responsible for that, and yet many many times I read on here that it’s the husband’s job to deal with his mother, just disengage and leave him to it, no MIL/DIL relationship necessary.

My daughter just had a baby, and the joy of watching her become a mother has been something I couldn’t have anticipated. The way I feel about her baby son is way more than I expected. Her husband’s mum is equally bursting with pride at seeing her son become a dad. It’s just completely wonderful. I guess the difference is that the baby’s mother is my child, and she will always be my priority. When the baby was born my first thought was for her, knowing of course that her wellbeing was also dependent on the baby’s, I was equally concerned for them both. I guess his mum didn’t share that visceral fear for my daughter’s wellbeing.

Now, I wouldn’t post pictures on SM, but I call him my little prince, the love of my life and stuff. No one’s trying to take over or criticise, and if sometimes one of us old farts forgets themselves and offers unsolicited advice, they’re grownups, they ignore us.

Maybe it’s cultural or regional but in my world, saying that would be a dick move - very rude. Clearly etiquette is different for you and that’s fine but you don’t need to be rude about it. I guess you’re proving my point - rude people would say it 🤷🏻‍♀️

You’d have gone ballistic if your mil call your baby “my baby” 🤣 a bit dramatic don’t you think?
so funny with all the “my baby” sensitivity. Obviously they know it’s not their baby but it is their grandchild. Some crazy comments here. They won’t take your baby away, you know?

And plonkers would say what you've said.

And real plonkers would risk a relationship with their adult child and grandchild because they cannot follow simple rules.

🙃🙃😏

This is awful advice.

I do think you are crossing boundaries if you are posting pics on social media and referring to the baby as 'my baby'. I'm sure you did it without thinking but I can see why it bugged the parents.

Saying my baby does not mean she thinks its her baby. It's a term of endearment. If she called the child pudding or sweetie pie, would it mean she was going to eat him/her ?
Luckily my children and in laws are sensible and my kissing the children or using a pet name doesn't mean i'm banished from their lives.

And the adult child is risking a relationship with their parents and the child's grandparents. It goes both ways

At the end of the day is it worth upsetting the parents of the baby you claim to love and want to spend time with.

Respect their rules however silly they may seem it’s still early months.

Disrespect them and you will be the one who loses out. The baby doesn’t know you. It won’t miss you.

Baby won’t miss who it doesn’t know and people who feel disrespected and ignored don’t tend to miss those who treat them that way.

You've had your turn.

It's good to know your place.

This
I'm sure you don't mean any wrong OP but you need to tread very carefully.
Trickier being the paternal GP.

Gently, YABU. I do think they're being over the top actually telling you you're not allowed to say "my baby", it might have bothered me a little postpartum but I would never say anything. My MIL really wanted to get stuck in with help but was not supportive of breastfeeding which I was doing, and I didn't feel comfortable asking her for the kind of help I actually wanted (coming round to clean to ease the load on my DH).

I wasn't comfortable with people kissing my son but didn't say anything on the couple of times it happened (not my MIL who I let do it after he'd had his jabs but her neighbour and a random cafe owner). I do understand how easily it can happen but they were both essentially randoms who'd asked me to hold the baby, I didn't feel like I could say no, then that happened. Yes I'm anxious (diagnosed), I still think people should know better. Plenty of people get coldsores, especially if I don't know them well.

Social media it might be a generational thing but we don't post our son at all. I don't even have his face on my WhatsApp profile as random people - community groups, tradespeople etc - can message me on there. It's a decision we've made for our child and not an uncommon one. I teach teenagers who are bothered by the fact their parents used to post them online when they were young. The things people can do with AI nowadays are disgusting.

Anyway - give them some time. It's only been a few months, you have a lifetime to bond with your GC. Best thing you can do is step back from anything overbearing. My best friend's mum told me our HV probably understood that the most important thing for us in the early months was to build our confidence. Nothing wrong with tips but I so valued anyone who told us we were doing anything well, it's such a sensitive time and I don't know about your DIL but I didn't have my own mum around for any guidance or support either. They'll settle into their roles and calm down but they will remember if you were someone who came across as actually caring about what they needed and asked for or if you were more wrapped up in your own feelings.

To note - love my MIL and was still so sensitive postpartum there were a few things that really rubbed me the wrong way. Still trust her to watch my DS once a week because she's brilliant and they both love it. DIL will calm down, as you've mentioned she's sleep deprived and still figuring things out. Keep offering help that's about looking after DS and DIL and the more hands on help with GC will come.

My friends daughter just had a baby and she is finding the same. She's travelled 7 hours to see them to be told she can't even see them or the baby for 4 days (they could only afford to go for 7 because they're not allowed to stay with them either). Then when she does see them, no touching etc.

New parents these days, from my observations where I am, are SO over the top with rules and hysterical hypotheticals. I'm already concerned for when my kids and their respective partners start having kids and they all change into these unrecognisable hysterical beings.

It's a baby not a terminal illness or disability.

Yes you are being very unreasonable

1. you don’t kiss babies, it’s dangerous, they can die from things that are very minor for adults. This is standard advice now from all medical professionals.

2. why do you think you know more about whether this baby needs something ie it’s cold than the parents that are with it 24/7 and know absolutely everything about it. - answer you don’t.

3. you raised your children and they are fine. Well done you, now let your son and his partner raise their children.

4. you don’t post pictures of peoples children on social media it’s not your decision and if you knew anything about online safety you would be aware of the multitude of reasons why people may not want this. Google would be your friend here.

5. they don’t want your help as you are clearly not helpful. How can they even relax with you there let alone nap when you can’t be trusted to respect their decisions on whether they are dressed correctly, or be trusted to be safe around the baby if you are intent on putting it at unnecessary risk from illness and online threats.

6. the thought process you have outlined here shows you don’t respect them or their decisions, why do you think they would want to spend time with you. They are interested in their actual family mum, dad, baby. Enjoying this bubble with people who actually make it more enjoyable - for the reasons listed above that is not you.

say sorry for making their life difficult and adding stress at such a difficult time. Stop doing what you want and start doing what they want and you will have a lovely relationship. Keep trying to belittle them and their decisions just to prove you are right and know best, and kiss goodbye to your son and his baby.

YABU for multiple reasons. You are in danger of ruining this relationship.

Quite often, the DIL is blamed and actually your DS has made those choices too. Stop blaming your DIL, address your own behaviour, and respect your DS choices.

Ignoring boundaries set, means harder and firmer lines are likely to be drawn. That's something you'll have to live with.

"Know your place" sounds really denigrating, but I think it's pretty normal to expect gps to understand that the parent is the one who gets to choose how their dc is brought up. That's hardly unreasonable.

It only becomes a power struggle if the gp decides to go against the parent's wishes. It sounds like you have done that a couple of times, so it's understandable that the parents might now trust you less.

I would say this is a "you reap what you sow" situation.

Don't go that often, don't sit there and stay for hours and having the baby sleep on you. The baby should sleep in a cot or a moses basket.

as to why raising children who are adults now who have jobs and houses is a standard for someone's parenting?

I find your posts odd

I just think it’s fine to have boundaries and just because they are different to what you think they should be, that’s ok. Our lifestyles look different to our parents’ lives and time of parenting, so inevitably we will do it differently in some ways.

Grandparents had their time to parent how they wanted, and now should be supporting the new parents to parent how they want too. It’s ok if that is different, it doesn’t mean the parents are monsters or the grandparents are terrible. Admittedly, I’m a bit sick of everyone being against each other these days though and being judgemental or offended and I pretty much live and let live.

We are on the other end of the spectrum for grandparent involvement though so I didn’t have the overbearing nature / boundary overstepping. I wouldn’t have liked being ignored with things like kissing or photos due to safety.

I did receive a card saying ‘thank you for my grandchild’. Now that took the piss.

Yes and grandparents won't miss a baby they don't know

So sorry you are having to go through this. Your DIL is being very difficult. Babies should not be left to cry!

I think it was a total over-reaction about the photo. It's a baby and they all look the same. Plus, it's the baby's own grandmother who put it up, not some randomer.

I can't imagine being so delicate that I'd be that upset over Grandma posting a baby pic.

If she'd posted multiple images of a toddler or older all set to Public, then fair enough.

My mother gives loads of unsolicited advice and doesn’t respect my boundaries. She also uses the line that she has raised children successfully therefore she knows what she’s doing. Arguably she didn’t do a great job, we were left to fend for ourselves a lot, my parents argued constantly and used us as pawns in their arguments. She seems to have forgotten this. She also doesn’t know about modern sleep advice or car seat safety and doesn’t wish to learn. I am low contact with her as I find all of the above exhausting. Just be careful. Even if you think their boundaries and rules are ridiculous it is not your baby at the end of the day and you have no right to access, so I would think about what’s more important to you here.

It's something I've said quite naturally when I've been looking after a gran child as a baby.
You say t to show affection. It doesn't mean you actually mean it's YOUR baby.
AS for disrespectful etcetera .. , i'm afraid that's sensationalising something spontaneous and innocent.