aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

You sound like an amazing grandma and I just wish I could have had someone like you helping me through the last 18 months. My parents have been as good as they can be but aren’t in good health, my partners parents aren’t with us anymore sadly. It’s been a lonely time, they don’t realise how lucky they are.
Hopefully things will improve she sounds like a really anxious person hopefully things will settle down soon. Hang in there, your grandchild needs you ❤️

This isn't new. It's the I'm-older-and-have-done-it-all-before-so-will-tread-all-over-your-boundaries-&-be-offended-if-you-don't-put-up-with-it attitude that created the MiL-is-a-nightmare memes that have been around for ever.

We've learnt quite a lot in the last 20+ years about how babies pick up different diseases and conditions and new parents have to bear the brunt of trying to change culture to make it better for babies than it used to be. There are also different considerations with sharing photos now that things go on line and are instantly out of people's control. They won't get everything right, but they are the ones who are supposed to be deciding how their child is brought up and who will be living with the consequences to a far greater extent than you.

So yes, what you're describing is disrespectful, but it's not the parents being disrespectful, it's you.

What's backwards is referring to 'my' children rather than 'our' children, by all means be petty and childish regarding the paternal grandparents but at least acknowledge that you're only 50% of the parenting 'team', a lovely twee MN word!

🙄 clearly not my point. The adoptive mum would have gone through a huge process to adopt. Grandparents have an important and special role and that will differ depending on the relationship with their dc but simple things like not kissing the baby is an obvious no no. My dc were in scbu so it never even came up as a thing because of course you don’t kiss a vulnerable baby that nearly died. I was also in scbu when I was born and it was the same advice in the 1980s so it’s not new.

Posting on fb - always take parents’ lead.

Calling baby mine when it’s not mine - weird to me but normal for others so do what works for your family.

I just had a baby. The no kissing thing is really pushed these days as it can have awful consequences. I know people have been kissing babies forever, and my family have struggled with this rule too. But it’s something we are told consistently now, and so it feels very normal, and the right thing to tell people not to do it. If you google it there are lots of resources explaining why, and how it can make babies very seriously ill or even kill them.

The photo thing? That’s understandable with AI. Again, there is a big push to tell parents not to post or allow pictures of their children online because of the ways they can be used.

I don’t understand why you’d call somebody else’s child ‘my baby’. However I have a family member who does this and I’ve kept my out shut. It is annoying though.

I think it’s understandable they are annoyed by your advice etc when you keep crossing boundaries. Ultimately you don’t have to agree with what they want, but they are the parents and what they say goes. You shouldn’t be accidentally kissing, or posting pictures if they’ve asked you not to. If you can’t manage that, it probably is why they don’t want advice about how baby is dressed etc. and, ultimately, when you say a baby looks cold you are actually criticising the choice that parent has made about how to dress their child. Which, truthfully, is not your business.

edit; I’ve seen loads of comments about how unreasonable the parents are being about the kissing thing. Anyway, here’s a link that explains why it’s a concern but also may provide context as to what info new parents are being given now buy health authorities. There is a whole campaign being backed by Annabel Karmel, who lost her daughter because of a kiss.

Do you have or get coldsores? That would explain the reaction to the kiss. I remember when my DD was newborn and my MIL came over and was holding the baby, telling me how her throat was sore and she'd felt awful all day. My face must have showed how horrified I was as there was a lot of backtracking. I hated how much perfume she wore and that my baby would smell of her for hours after she left.

She and my FIL have often made comments which imply there is some sort of competition between me and MIL for who is favourite. She would hold on to my kids for longer than they wanted, to try to show they wanted her instead of me. She has also posted photos publicly on her Facebook after being asked not to. I've left her son to take it up with her as I don't think she'd take kindly to me saying something.

She is still a big part of DD8 and DS3's lives, because I see the bigger picture and the value she adds, but some of her behaviour highlights how emotionally immature she is.

You come across as overbearing to me OP, and that's in your own highly sympathetic telling of it, so gawd only knows how Dil perceives you.

Can you just not?

Don't post photos on Facebook when they've asked you not to, stop undermining them by saying he looks cold or overtired - that comes across as criticism to parents in the full throes of PFB syndrome and it's not your baby so don't say it.

Just let them figure it out as they've asked. You'll be able to kiss the baby all you want when it's a bit older. If you avoid the big fallout you seem intent on creating, by the time they've had another one they'll be moaning that you don't take them off their hands enough!!

Yes, absolutely. After three of infertility and failed ivfs no one got to claim DH’s and my baby.

If I’m the only one there then they’re my dc, if dh is there then they’re our dc otherwise you sound like you’re talking about an invisible friend. It’s fairly common that a dc was made from 2 people. They are mine and also his - then being mine doesn’t mean they’re less his so the argument is odd. Parents calling them my dc during custody hearing with other parent there… that is an issue and shows character. Saying “I’m going to get my dc ice creams after school” is clear but saying “I’m going to get our dc ice cream after school” sounds like you’re offering to buy ice creams for your dc and the dc of the person you’re speaking to.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this when it should be such a happy time, OP. I do hope that the parents learn to relax a bit and to treat you with the respect you deserve.

It sounds awful when I think it, but I’d take comfort that the same is likely to happen to them when they become grandparents, what with all these fads and changes. They’ll be seen as an out of touch nuisance, too.

I agree with others who say it’s slightly odd to call the baby “your baby” as they’re not your baby. In what context would you say that? You were also unreasonable to post a photo on social media after being asked not to, as it’s perfectly reasonable not to want your child on Facebook. For kissing, the NHS advises against kissing babies, especially neonates and so that seems okay too (though understandable if it just happened - as long as you explained that rather than being defensive).

The parents are also probably sleep deprived and overly cautious - as we all were at that time. I would cut them some slack and just be around for when they need you. Also, respect goes both ways - the parents have asked you not to do two things and you have done them both. That doesn’t breed confidence.

Oh give over!

I was probably a bit like this with my first, it was crippling post natal anxiety and likely fueled by social media while pregnant. Nothing like the algorithm showing you baby after baby hooked up to life support after being kissed by a family member to put the fear of god into you. Give her some grace OP, we're parenting babies in different slightly more terrifying times, I'd love some research into prevalence of maternal mental health issues pre and post social media.

The posting photos on Facebook after specifically being asked not to is out of order though, you owe them a heartfelt apology for that one.

Yeah people are dicks now OP, ‘putting your own mental health first’ AKA - fuck everyone else’s.

I would say we’re pretty relaxed parents, no issues with kissing and cuddling baby, visitors etc. And I wouldn’t dream of letting my baby cry. But my goodness me had you gone against me and put our baby’s picture on SM having been explicitly told not to I would have hit the roof. And then, I’d have picked up on every little thing you did from there on in because you’d ignored a really sensible rule. Your DiL does sound anxious, but she’s freshly post partum with all the hormones that comes with that and deserves a bit of understanding. You have some apologising to do and you really need to think about why you thought your excitement came above your families wishes.

Actually liaising in the head can be harmful for babies. Here is info about why.

Also, why are you encouraging OP to assume it’s her DIL who is making these rules, and then telling her to essentially pull back just so her son asks why, and she can criticise her DIL. Terrible advice.

They asked you not to kiss baby, you did it anyway.
They asked you not to post baby online, you did it anyway.

What do you expect?

My baby is just a term of endearment.
What a plonker.

Not your baby to call your baby. Maybe they wanted to tell people themselves and not have it announced for them on Facebook? My MIL took tha away from me. You didn’t need to cry about removing a ohoto!

I don't know why but reading your post brought tears to my eyes. I am not a grandmother yet, but have only sons which puts me at a disadvantage already. I am sorry you felt embarrassed after kissing the baby's head. I would have felt the same way. Since my sons have gotten older all I have heard is other mothers telling me that my part in the wedding is to keep my mouth closed, nod my head and give the happy couple my credit card and with grandchildren to keep my distance and don't expect to hold the baby until they are 12 weeks old. Pretty grim. Oh, and BTW I have had friends that have had babies over the years and I have even teasingly called them "my babies". Christ on a bike...

Evil??

There's nothing wrong with calling him/her my baby but you shouldn't have put a photo on sm. I would definitely apologise about that.
I understand the excitement, grandchildren are wonderful.

To be honest, it sounds like they are quite anxious and that maybe you all don’t have the best relationship. I can certainly see why.

I don’t know anyone with lovely, wonderful and mentally well grandparents who doesn’t want them involved in their children’s lives. Lovely, wonderful and mentally well being the key words here.

No, I’m not going to suddenly think it’s okay for a grandparent to say “my baby” - it’s not. It’s their grandchild and that’s special. You can disagree but that doesn’t mean I have to change my opinion. In my world a grandparent wouldn’t say that, they really wouldn’t.

YABU to say ‘my baby’, to kiss it when you’ve been asked not to, to put a photo on Facebook.