aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

Exactly. I'm amazed at the number of posters who are infuriated by this.

My grandchildren are my girlies, my poppets, my sweeties and all kinds of variations on the term of endearment. I'd be surprised if I hadn't occasionally said 'hello my baby' when holding and gazing at them with love when they were tiny.

My DD seems to have taken nothing but pleasure in the loving interactions between me and her children, thank goodness.

They don’t know how lucky they are to have a grandparent that wants to be so involved!
Im sorry you are going through this.
She sounds very anxious, I would just give them some space.
I wish I had this kind of support! xx

This is not YOUR baby.

Yes, the place that introduced the crazy hen/stag holidays, the baby showers, the baby sprinkles...
OP, apparently FAFO parenting is the in thing now, after teachers said how rough and out of control infants are now because of gentle and permissive parenting! You're probably right to bite your tongue (and show your sona nd DIL once they stop being crazy!), but I'm a youngish mum, and I'd never dream of telling the grandparents how to behave around my kids; if they're bright enough to have raised me and my husband, they're bright enough to update themselves about new science (car seats/sleeping positions) and use all the old, instinctive wisdom at the same time.

I feel for you, OP. People can be extremely precious about their babies these days. I think it's all part of the child-worship of the last 20-30 years. Used to be that everyone had at least two or three and often many more. They were just part of society. But with the COL being insane these days and often two salaries needed just to have a decent house, children have become a luxury good of sorts, and there are far fewer of them around than there were in the Eighties. I know so many people who wanted more children than they have, just because of the COL. Even feeling financially able to have just one is quite a feat for many. So I think their "scarcity value" has made people treat them with awe and reverence. Resulting in huge over-protectiveness. That's my theory, anyway. If your DIL had three or four and her street was crawling with families who all had three or more, like in the Seventies, I don't think such preciousness would exist.

I suspect that particular thing is very much a small part of a much bigger problem being as OP posted photos of their child online when asked not to. She is still justifying that in her second post. The whole tone of OPs posts is very much poor her…..lots of us have all met that type I’m sure.

Awww that’s so sweet! I wish my kids had such a loving grandma

You wouldn't like my family then. When my sister had her first, we all referred to her as "our baby". 🤣 She was a communal baby.

So if you can see the baby is cold, perhaps has cold hands, are you allowed to mention it, or does the baby just have to stay cold or too hot?

met that type
That's really not a very nice thing to say.
She's a person, not a type.

The photo was a big mistake. They sound like anxious first time parents so humour them. Mine unclenched when 2 and 3 arrived. Which was a relief.

@Decacaffeinatednow and @ForCosyLion I'm relieved to read your posts, and both made me smile! Your MIL/your family sound lovely!

My DGD's are bathed in family love and affection from me and their auntie and uncle. They're 'ours' and we'd fling ourselves in front of a bus for them. And their mum and dad know it too.

If I was a new Mum and my DM or MIL told me the baby looked cold, I would have been grateful!
I remember it takes a while to get the hang of looking after a baby and those bits of experience and advice are so important.
It can actually make the new mother more confident, not necessarily demoralise her.
I was definitely grateful for any knowledge my mother shared with me.

This is a good example of 2 things: 1. Respecting that it’s the parents’ job to notice and address issues not the grandparents, and unsolicited advice especially at this vulnerable time feels like criticism and judgement. And 2. Times do change and what was true when GPs had their children is not always true any more. For example, part of the safe sleep training I received when I had my babies (in the last few years) is that cold hands are not an issue and do not mean the baby’s core temperature is low, they just have an immature circulation, and in fact trying to warm them up just because their hands are cold risks overheating them and increasing the risk of SIDS (when it is in the setting of a sleeping baby, which newborns are a lot of the time).

So to answer your question, you shouldn’t say anything. I will caveat that there exceptions, like if baby is being left alone in the bath or something else clearly dangerous.

I can see how this could be true if you had a lovely trusting relationship with your mum or MIL but for a lot of us that’s not the case and then it becomes unwelcome criticism. In OP’s case it doesn’t seem like there is a warm trusting relationship in the background

I think you’re lucky they still let you see him. ILs shared photos online after we asked them not to. They now get photos on view once mode and we keep visits very infrequent (3-4 months apart)

Oh yes. The famous Mumsnet 'they've had their turn'.

Which of course only applies until the parents need childcare or babysitting, when suddenly Grandma's turn isn't over after all.

Well posting a photo of someone’s child when you have been asked not to isn’t a very nice thing to do. Neither is slagging off your son and DIL who have a new baby. It’s a certain type that does what OP does and plays herself as the victim.

The cold hands thing being ok was around when my 22 year old DS was born. Hardly new

Even more reason for GPs not to chip in with outdated advice when it wasn’t asked for then

I’m sorry but there was no excuse - you knew they didn’t want you to post a picture of the baby and you did it anyway. It’s not ok no matter how “excited” you were! It’s not your baby so respect the parents’ wishes about whether they want pictures shared or not.

But how is it outdated when it's the same now?

“Their turn” meaning their turn to make the decisions.

These new parents have made a decision (very sensibly) that they don’t want photos shared online.
They’ve made a decision (in line with current health guidance) that they would like people not to kiss the baby.

No one but the parents gets to make or argue with these decisions, all parents get their turn to decide what is best when it comes to their own children, just like grandparents did when they had their children.

Or, you end up in a position where your children don’t trust you because you constantly disrespect their boundaries and then they don’t want to leave their children with you.

which is what has happened with my mum, she doesn’t listen to my requests for what I want for MY children and as a result never gets to see them alone even though she would really like to.

That's one way not to be lumbered with childcare.