aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

Why do some PPs insistent that DIL must/is like to be suffering from some kind of anxiety because DIL and DS have implemented boundaries?

Obviously postpartum anxiety does occur and it isn't uncommon. I don't think it's fair to say 'because they don't want photos posted on social media, or people kissing their baby, she is anxious.'

Of course you're devastated. It's an awful place to be.

This is now a make or break situation. You get to choose; you can either truly hear your son and do some work on yourself, or you can ignore him and lose the relationship with your son and DG.

Imagine being a grandparent and not being interested in your grandchild because you’re expected to follow some boundaries?
Dont complain if you get old and lonely.

Probably because to them having a baby isn’t a big deal or they were fine and/or lumped it so other women should do it and be grateful they have family members so interested in “helping out”.

Have yet to see anyone give a good reason why postpartum women should be expected to be extending more grace and consideration towards grandparents and family members than they get themselves.

People would be saying someone who has recently come out of the hospital for other injuries that take time to heal should be considered yet for some reason birthing a baby is different. Also, think some don’t see the baby as just the parents’ but the whole family’s so other family members should be allowed to do what they wanr regardless of the parents’ views and boundaries.

Yeah well they're modelling just throwing people away to their own kids aren't they so when it's their turn their kids won't think twice about doing the same.

They're modelling lots of things to their children, that boundaries matter, MH matters, caring and protecting your family matters, dont let people treat you like a doormat etc
I could go on but I suspect you still think parents have every right to treat their adult children like crap just because they're related.
I am a mum of boys and I would absolutely never do this to my son and partner because I respect other people's boundaries and understand that PP is the most difficult time in a woman's life.

I’m genuinely sorry to hear this OP. I think you’ve had some good advice here. And hopefully you can reflect and they just need a little space.

For me the offer of can we talk about it would cause a little worry. There is nothing here to negotiate or defend or explain; you just need to take their points on board. Hopefully in a few weeks they will come back and give you another chance. And hopefully with some of the advice here you can behave in a way that makes them comfortable with you going forward

You've just repeated the content of your first post with more words.

You haven't answered the question, so I can only assume you don't consider it a privilege for them to get to spend time with/have contact with you?

For goodness sake. The OP came here for advice. Many of us could see the direction in which this was headed with her son and DIL and gave advice based on how to salvage the situation.

Many posters seem to take the view of they’d rather be right than happy. And if the son and DIL want to do that then fuck them. Well fine, but look at where the OP is now.

You must be heartbroken. You are unaware of how you’ve come across in the past.

I messaged you earlier. I urge you to get some counselling and tell them everything you put on here.
when you do in a few months time you could message your son and tell him the steps you’ve taken and the insights you’ve gained. And maybe you can reconcile.

Really? The OP has just got to take their orders and do as she's told and if she's lucky she "might get another chance" - no sitting down and discussing, sharing, airing or caring just "Contact withdrawn completely, you are not allowed to dispute, discuss or debate this decision". Jeez.

Sometimes you just have to reflect on the situation and learn. We can't always see something when we are so close to it. Message your ds saying something along the lines of " i respect that we often see things differently depending on what side of the situation we are standing on. I will take yours and dils words and try to understand what has happened. In the meantime ill respect your decision to no longer have contact with me. I am here if you need me" and walk away.

Its often wise to make the point of telling the family member using their words. Its been found that those that cut family members off are usually the ones that struggle the most.

That is on him I'm afraid. Maybe you have been as he said. Thats on you to figure out. Maybe start working on yourself. We can't always see how closed off we are until attention is drawn to it.
This is their first child. Its all new. Scary. So many different parenting tips out there.
Stay in your lane and let them come to you. Or not.

Well, yes. OP does have to abide by their wishes if she wants another chance. She has already asked to speak with them both and her DS has said no, that they will contact her if/when they are ready. If OP pushes this, she is likely to lose them for ever.

dh died three years ago of a stroke so just me and all this is making me feel even lonelier.

I suspected something like this was the case. No doubt your DS has been a good support to you in recent times.
I imagine he’s struggling to cope with his new responsibilities and DDIL is putting him under pressure that she and DGC need his full attention. he may well be depressed himself.
I agree with the advice to step right away at the moment. Give them the space they need. If your son does love you, as I’m sure he does, I’m sure he’ll be back as soon as he’s coping better,
It must be absolutely terrible for you and I’m quite sure most of the posts here haven’t helped you to feel better.
In the meantime, do your best to care for yourself. Can you get a cat ( if you don’t already have one)? Do you still go to work? Perhaps join a social group for the bereaved. Or spend time on a hobby you really enjoy.
I’m sure things will look very different in a couple of years. They may even be divorced! If not, they will likely come to their senses.
If no other options, try sharing your grief with AI. It can be very soothing,

Except 'contact withdrawn' is precisely what has happened, and OP's DS has given his reasons. There has been a discussion. At this point, what else is there to do? Because bombarding them with messages, if that's the approach you had in mind, certainly isn't going to get the hoped-for result.

OP has two choices. First, respect DS's wishes in the hope that the relationship might one day be repaired, and work on herself in the interim as PPs have suggested. This isn't easy, but DS has evidently decided that at present the only behaviour he can influence is is own. The rest is up to OP, who now has an opportunity to reflect on ways to heal the relationship.

The other option, of course, is to insist on being 'right' and continue to perceive DS's reasonable boundaries as being 'told what to do'; a concept some PPs upthread evidently greatly struggle with. In this case, things will remain at stalemate and there's a far greater risk of NC becoming permanent.

The righteous indigation in your post may be well meant, @Bollihobs, and might even help OP feel better in the short term. But it's also validating a fast-track route to permanently losing her DS and DGC. I don't believe this is the outcome she wants.

Advice of this kind is doing her no favours.

You're writing fiction. I mean, you're doing a wonderful job at it, but it is still fiction.

You do not know what is happening with DS or DIL. You cannot assume that DIL is putting pressure on DS. You cannot know that DS is struggling with his new responsibilities. You're guessing; and you could well be wrong.

'If your son does love you...' you do realise you can love someone AND go NC? Those things are not mutually exclusive.

@justme39 My heart breaks for you. How about your other kids, you said you raised three, so can the others fill the gap? I wouldn't ask them to intervene.

I'm in a similar situation with my new grandchild but I am sticking to the rules, breaks my heart and has altered our relationship but its the price I have to pay.

However I have also been nc with my Mum for a while now, and as someone mentioned earlier, going nc does not mean you are not loved. I love my Mum, I just can't cope with her behaviour and having talked to her so many times when she is not willing to even compromise, I realise it is too painful and if I can't change her, I can change me and that meant walking away.

She keeps trying to invite me for tea etc like nothing has happened, but she is missing the point, she thinks if she ignores what I have said and continues as always, I will give in as that is what I always did, until now and she isn't getting it.

SO if you are not speaking, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it means that at this moment in time he can't cope with your behaviour. That could be indicative of his mental health situation or your behaviour, who knows. But leave him be for now, do not communicate at at, as hard as it may be, let him have his way and distract yourself with something else.

Yes. OP has said her son told her this:

he said this hasnt just come from the baby arguments recently but from years of feeling like he had to manage my emotions and avoid upsetting me. he said now he’s a parent himself he doesnt want the same dynamic around his own child.
he also said every time anyone tries to address an issue with me i either deny it happened or become so upset the conversation turns into comforting me instead.

This is more than just about OP disregarding his and his wife boundaries concerning his child. He has said what happens when anyone tries to address an issue with her, and she has behaved this way for years so why would he sit down with her knowing what she’ll do even if she isn’t aware she does this.

He knows he doesn’t want that dynamic around his child and why should he?

It isn’t out of the ordinary that becoming a parent makes people want to do the best for their child and that includes not repeating certain dynamics they grew up with.

"They may even be divorced!" This is a brand new, first time mum we're talking about.

Do you have a problem with a DIL of your own? I wouldn't normally mention posting history, but you searched mine on a previous DIL thread. You also accused me of writing fiction when you've literally constructed an entire story / strawman where this baby might be hospitalised (with was it jaundice?) because Gran wasn't allowed to mention the baby looked cold, that the DIL might not be able to think straight due to severe postpartum depression, but that she is also influencing the son unduly to cut off the victim mother in law, and that they might get divorced. I think there were other bits in there too.

The son has quite clearly said he has had problems with his mother from before the baby. Most posters here already saw the pattern before the OP update confirmed it. Sad for OP but she needs to do some real reflection.

I think you've got me muddled up with someone else? I don't have a DIL problem and don't understand what you're talking about re jaundice etcetera.

Sorry, it wasn't jaundice, it was a blood transfusion. A hypothetical, what if this baby needed a blood transfusion that you posted on this thread earlier.

And a hypothetical what if the DIL has such severe postpartum depression she can't think rationally.

And a hypothetical what if the DIL was influencing her husband to cut off his mother.

I don't think I have got you confused with someone else.

What makes you think they would ever ask her for help. I certainly wouldn’t be.

From what I can understand, you are saying I'm a hypocrite because I said on a previous post that you were writing fiction, when you made certain comments about a situation; but now I'm the one writing fiction.
I don't think this is moving the discussion along, certainly not helping OP.

There's nothing anyone could advise anyway because the son and DIL have clearly already made up their minds on this. It's just sad. She's overstepped yes, but it's not like she's abusive for gods sake. Although sure someone will be along to claim it is abusive behaviour any minute now.