Page 35 | aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

justme39 · 2026-05-07T18:07:29+00:00

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not. my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄 i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful. i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining. another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right. i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly. now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

TheBlueKoala · 10/05/2026 15:42

justme39 · 10/05/2026 15:33

i dont know what to say. “d”s came round yesterday on his own and told me they want no contact for the foreseeable future.

he said this hasnt just come from the baby arguments recently but from years of feeling like he had to manage my emotions and avoid upsetting me. he said now he’s a parent himself he doesnt want the same dynamic around his own child.

he also said every time anyone tries to address an issue with me i either deny it happened or become so upset the conversation turns into comforting me instead.

i honestly felt blindsided hearing all this because i never saw myself that way at all. i apologised again and said i didnt realise this is the way i have been and asked if i could see them both to talk about what has happened but son said dil is too uncomfortable with me.

he said not to contact them and that theyll reach out if they ever feel ready.

absolutely devastated

Please see a therapist OP. For most of us here it's pretty obvious that you have a problem with respecting boundaries and apparantly don't take critisicm too well according to your son. If you ever want a relationship with them you need to completely own what you have done and respect people's boundaries. Take a step back, go to therapy and work on yourself so that you understand where you went wrong so that you won't repeat the same mistakes again.

Illegally18 · 10/05/2026 15:43

justme39 · 10/05/2026 15:33

i dont know what to say. “d”s came round yesterday on his own and told me they want no contact for the foreseeable future.

he said this hasnt just come from the baby arguments recently but from years of feeling like he had to manage my emotions and avoid upsetting me. he said now he’s a parent himself he doesnt want the same dynamic around his own child.

he also said every time anyone tries to address an issue with me i either deny it happened or become so upset the conversation turns into comforting me instead.

i honestly felt blindsided hearing all this because i never saw myself that way at all. i apologised again and said i didnt realise this is the way i have been and asked if i could see them both to talk about what has happened but son said dil is too uncomfortable with me.

he said not to contact them and that theyll reach out if they ever feel ready.

absolutely devastated

How awful for you. I do sympathise. The arrival of a grandchild, which should bring such joy, has been a source of sorrow. Is there any one you can talk to about it?

bigboykitty · 10/05/2026 15:55

Interesting that your son said that they want no contact and that your go-to response is that you want to meet with both of them. Do you see what you did there?

You must be incredibly upset. I second the suggestion that you seek therapy so that you can start to examine your own behaviour and responses and start to develop some insight. I think a lot of us here recognise your behaviour. I presume there will be some posters who come along and make horrible judgements about your DS and SIL and say that none of this is your fault. These people do not have your best interests at heart. Please be wary of assuming the victim position in this situation caused by your actions. Above all, please do respect their wish for you not to contact them.

GnomeDePlume · 10/05/2026 15:59

Bollihobs · 10/05/2026 11:13

Good grief, is this really where we are now?

"Any contact is a privilege" 🙄

Genuine question @Gnomedeplume do you consider any contact they have with you as a privilege for them too?

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Of course it is a privilege to be asked to be involved in any way. As a GP I have no rights, legal or moral to spend time with my new DGC.

I am firmly of the belief that DCs do not have a debt to be paid to their DPs for childhood care. You always pay it forward

Bababear987 · 10/05/2026 16:02

OP for what its worth i do feel sorry for you and hope you can all get through this.
I do think you need to have a real rethink about your behaviour though. You have intentionally repeatedly broken boundaries and given a half hearted non apology which reads more like you still think you had the right to do those things. Your DIL is likely suffering some anxiety and will be very sensitive but believe me people remember how you treat them post partum and it stays with them. You've given unsolicited advice which to her sounds like you're criticising her parenting, even if thats not your intention. She will see the fb photo as you putting her baby in harms way, once a photo is on the Internet its there forever, she asked you not to but you decided what you wanted was more important.

jdb9803 · 10/05/2026 16:07

I know my daughter will be a different parent than me - she will have rules that I didn't have - and I will follow every single one of them.
My parents were very involved as I was a single parent and she is very close to them as a result. She will certainly want me involved and be grateful for my support but within the boundaries she sets

AmIReallyTheGrownup · 10/05/2026 16:20

Thechaseison71 · 10/05/2026 12:56

How old do they get robust out of interest? When my eldest was a baby the nursery she was in took them from 6 weeks

Í

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Certainly not six weeks given they’re not even old enough to be given paracetamol or immunised.

diddl · 10/05/2026 16:27

he also said every time anyone tries to address an issue with me i either deny it happened or become so upset the conversation turns into comforting me instead.

This was my MIL.

Until the time she upset me & then she ended up being more upset because she couldn't cope with being criticised for it.

It was my husband's wtf moment.

SerafinasGoose · 10/05/2026 16:33

justme39 · 10/05/2026 15:33

i dont know what to say. “d”s came round yesterday on his own and told me they want no contact for the foreseeable future.

he said this hasnt just come from the baby arguments recently but from years of feeling like he had to manage my emotions and avoid upsetting me. he said now he’s a parent himself he doesnt want the same dynamic around his own child.

he also said every time anyone tries to address an issue with me i either deny it happened or become so upset the conversation turns into comforting me instead.

i honestly felt blindsided hearing all this because i never saw myself that way at all. i apologised again and said i didnt realise this is the way i have been and asked if i could see them both to talk about what has happened but son said dil is too uncomfortable with me.

he said not to contact them and that theyll reach out if they ever feel ready.

absolutely devastated

I'm sorry, OP. This has to hurt.

I'm aware this thread must have made uncomfortable reading and likely hasn't been what you wanted to hear. However, PPs have given you some very sound - if blunt - advice. You haven't seen this situation in the same way as your son, and that's been part of the problem. From his perspective there must have been serious difficulties for things to arrive at this outcome. NC is not a thing most people do lightly.

You have no choice for the moment but to abide by his wish. So use that time. The PP's advice upthread to seek therapy is a good idea. Try to work on yourself, to view the situation from the other perspective, to see where changes might be made that will preserve the future of these relationships. (The inverted commas around the 'D' of DS clearly tell me you're not there yet).

DiL may not want to see you, and your son has made her wishes clear. But with serious goodwill on your side, an acknowledgement of what went wrong and a willingness to change, it may be possible to repair your relationship with your son and through him, your grandchild.

The important thing now is not to push, and to respect his wish for space.

I wish you all the best.

Vivi0 · 10/05/2026 16:35

SixtySomething · 10/05/2026 11:55

So baby Jennifer Schofield died from due to a kiss OR BREASTFEEDING but no one’s talking about banning breastfeeding are they?
The point I’m trying to make is about keeping things in perspective.
I may be wrong but I thought this virus could only be passed on by exchange of bodily fluids hence no kissing on the mouth. A pp made the point that not all authorities advise against kissing babies.
Of course GPs need to respect a mother’s wishes but that doesn’t rule out that a little kindness/ respect needs to be shown in return.What I think horrifies some oldies is the language and violent emotions in many posts here.
I think we’d all understand if someone wasn’t keen on Granny popping round if she purposely and persistently ignored the mother’s wishes.
Unfortunately, what some of us have experienced is being ‘punished’ because we’d once forgotten/ misunderstood a petty regulation.
Younger people may not understand but yes , we truly can forget in the rush of love for our DC and DGC.
The thing I’ve found most horrible here is that number posters have ‘proved’ that Op was insincere by quoting OP ‘I’m sorry IF my behaviour upset you’!
The only thing critics have proved is how wrong they are.
Could be that OP didn’t even use ‘if’ in her message . Little things like that don’t prove anything except that OP is damned in advance on here.

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Of course GPs need to respect a mother’s wishes but that doesn’t rule out that a little kindness/ respect needs to be shown in return.

You keep mentioning showing respect towards grandparents. That respect needs to be shown.

Shown for what?

I don’t get it.

phoenixrosehere · 10/05/2026 16:36

I think your son coming over and talking to you face to face shows that he loves you and thinks there is hope to mend things since he came over and told you how he feels and how long he has felt this way vs just leaving it with the text he sent.

They need space right now and this is your opportunity into showing them you can respect that and to talk to someone outside of this to see what they have observed, maybe a friend or family member you know who will be honest with you and you respect their opinions even if it’s hard to hear.

Chunkychips23 · 10/05/2026 16:37

I’m sorry it’s worked out this way, OP. Your DS will get back in touch with you if you give them the space they’ve requested. Please respect that. It’s all now out in the open and he’s told you that it’s a behaviour pattern, not just due to a new baby. He’s trying to protect his family during what is a very stressful time.

It may not seem like it, but he’s probably just as upset as you. You’re his mum at the end of it all and that bond is hard to break. He just needs time to heal and work through everything. If he was cutting you out permanently, he wouldn’t have come over to speak to you. You’d have been blocked and completely cut off without warning.

They gave you the opportunity to reflect and genuinely apologise, but you didn’t. He’s probably given you more chances than you’ve ever acknowledged, but now he’s at his wits end.

Time is a healer, as cliche as that is, it’s true. Honestly, as others have said, therapy would be a brilliant idea. It will help you address behaviours and process what has happened. You don’t have to go through this alone.

As parents, we do try and do our best, but we also make mistakes and can be selfish and shortsighted, because we’re only human. But we can learn from those mistakes and do better.

I can’t imagine how painful this is for you right now, but please don’t blame your DIL, this will make you resentful. This has come from your DS, not her. Only he could make the decision to have a relationship time out, that can’t be forced by another.

There are many resources out there about parent-child estrangement that can help you and connect you with others in a similar situation. Sites such as ‘Gransnet’ and https://www.standalone.org.uk/guides/parents/

ImFinePMSL · 10/05/2026 16:39

Sorry it has come to this.

However, for now, please respect your son’s and DIL’s wishes. Just leave them be. Don’t text, call or try and arrange to “sort this out”. It will push them further away.

Definitely look into your own behaviour. I very much doubt this has come out of nowhere. I agree with a PP and perhaps finding a therapist to talk to could be helpful.

In a few weeks or months you could send a text, to your son, not DIL, telling them you miss them and will always love them. Keep it short and sweet. Nothing manipulative and leave the ball in their court.

diddl · 10/05/2026 16:42

In a few weeks or months you could send a text, to your son, not DIL, telling them you miss them and will always love them. Keep it short and sweet. Nothing manipulative and leave the ball in their court.

She has been asked not to contact them!

JayJayj · 10/05/2026 16:51

I would seek therapy for yourself to self reflect.

You should watch skits by Shawna the mom. You are definitely a “barb”

Eightfor15 · 10/05/2026 17:26

SixtySomething · 10/05/2026 13:27

I'm assuming most DGM s are reasonable and mean for the best. That's my experience. I happen to find OP's pov entirely resonalbe.

It's being ignored here how many women suffer some form of pnd and therefore it's quite possible that the DIL is actually being unreasonable, due to her psychological state. Certainly her response to OP's message suggests that, despite OP's transgressive use of 'if'.
The point is that we actually don't know, although the nature of the posts on here suggest the fault if any, may also to lie with DIL, as the reasoning, justifications, and use of the language of power and control here seem so inappropriate to family life. ie if some of the posts here are anything to go by.

In short, I'm sure a few MILs are totally unreasonable, but the evidence on here alone suggests that DIls also play a strong part in family difficulties.

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Indeed. It is possible that the presence of some DILs can cause severe mental health problems to the MIL.

I'm sure you can understand.

Eightfor15 · 10/05/2026 17:30

justme39 · 10/05/2026 15:33

i dont know what to say. “d”s came round yesterday on his own and told me they want no contact for the foreseeable future.

he said this hasnt just come from the baby arguments recently but from years of feeling like he had to manage my emotions and avoid upsetting me. he said now he’s a parent himself he doesnt want the same dynamic around his own child.

he also said every time anyone tries to address an issue with me i either deny it happened or become so upset the conversation turns into comforting me instead.

i honestly felt blindsided hearing all this because i never saw myself that way at all. i apologised again and said i didnt realise this is the way i have been and asked if i could see them both to talk about what has happened but son said dil is too uncomfortable with me.

he said not to contact them and that theyll reach out if they ever feel ready.

absolutely devastated

Well, if this thread is anything to go by, he's right and your lack of self awareness is at Guinness Book levels.

DaisyChain505 · 10/05/2026 17:30

@justme39

I understand you must be upset but what’s most important in this situation now is that you hear your son, take on board what he’s saying, take some accountability, self reflect and most importantly don’t blame this on his wife.

These are his feelings and you must listen to him and not try to tell him he’s wrong. This is how he feels.

Bridesmaidorexfriend · 10/05/2026 17:47

onyxtulip · 08/05/2026 21:55

This is excessive in my opinion - just googled and the incidence of neonatal HSV is 6-6.9/100,000 babies and that includes the ones who don't get ill from it as well as the very rare cases of those that do (HSV encephalitis)

Surely we have more pressing concerns?

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Come off it. You’d risk your babies health for the sake of unnecessary kisses? Against NHS advice?

Child abductions are very rare, would you leave your baby outside the shop while you went in?

beeble347 · 10/05/2026 18:14

justme39 · 10/05/2026 15:33

i dont know what to say. “d”s came round yesterday on his own and told me they want no contact for the foreseeable future.

he said this hasnt just come from the baby arguments recently but from years of feeling like he had to manage my emotions and avoid upsetting me. he said now he’s a parent himself he doesnt want the same dynamic around his own child.

he also said every time anyone tries to address an issue with me i either deny it happened or become so upset the conversation turns into comforting me instead.

i honestly felt blindsided hearing all this because i never saw myself that way at all. i apologised again and said i didnt realise this is the way i have been and asked if i could see them both to talk about what has happened but son said dil is too uncomfortable with me.

he said not to contact them and that theyll reach out if they ever feel ready.

absolutely devastated

That's really awful, OP, I'm so sorry to hear it. I would have been upset by the sharing a photo online absolutely and I was upset when two randoms kissed my son on the forehead having asked to hold him as a newborn. I never said anything to them though. Some comments from my MIL did wind me up but omg she's great. So I do sympathise with your son and DIL in that I remember how anxious and vulnerable I felt postpartum and as a brand new mum, especially as my own mum died before my son came along and I moved to the city DH is from so didn't have my close people nearby. And always wanted to be respectful to MIL but felt like I was the one having to swallow my feelings a lot before I learned to just use my words when I needed to.

As someone who has had to go "NC" with my own mum a few times while she was alive, it was under the most extreme circumstances and I always went back and I never stopped loving her and wanting her to get healthier so we could restore the relationship. I'll just say it was really severe mental health issues where she'd refuse help but demand often money, hours-long phone calls while I was at work or uni, that's the tip of the iceberg. Baffles me when people suddenly eject family members from their life over nothing, I'd still give anything to have my mum back and for her to have had the treatment she needed to get healthy.

I'm sure they will come around and it will be a pause rather than forever. Best thing you can do is leave them to it, see your friends and other family. Maybe even see a counsellor if I can suggest that gently? It might be helpful to process what's happened. @morethangrand is a great IG account like another poster suggested but might not be the time while it's all raw. If you can notice it's a pattern of behaviour you've had - I also know taking criticism personally is a flaw of mine - could be worth working on it too.

TheGlitterFairy · 10/05/2026 18:22

Eightfor15 · 10/05/2026 17:26

Indeed. It is possible that the presence of some DILs can cause severe mental health problems to the MIL.

I'm sure you can understand.

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Indeed. I suspect it’s this kind of thought that’s landed the OP in the situation she finds herself in now.

Maray1967 · 10/05/2026 18:30

Bababear987 · 10/05/2026 16:02

OP for what its worth i do feel sorry for you and hope you can all get through this.
I do think you need to have a real rethink about your behaviour though. You have intentionally repeatedly broken boundaries and given a half hearted non apology which reads more like you still think you had the right to do those things. Your DIL is likely suffering some anxiety and will be very sensitive but believe me people remember how you treat them post partum and it stays with them. You've given unsolicited advice which to her sounds like you're criticising her parenting, even if thats not your intention. She will see the fb photo as you putting her baby in harms way, once a photo is on the Internet its there forever, she asked you not to but you decided what you wanted was more important.

I agree with this.

I can see that you are upset but you have brought this on yourself and you don’t appear to accept that at all. I’m probably not far off your age and might be lucky enough to be a DGM in 5/6/7 or so years. There is no way I would post a baby photo online. You said that you cried when they were upset that you had done this, so what your DS says about your behaviour is evidenced by that. And your apology is not sincere. ‘IF I have upset you …’ is s phrase used by people who really think that they haven’t actually done anything wrong and they think you’re over sensitive.

GPs should not be commenting on baby care unless the baby’s parents ask for advice, or unless the baby is at risk of harm. Your DS and DIL are staring at years of overstepping on your part if they don’t sort this out now, and so your son has set out the issue. You need to listen and reflect.

Truetoself · 10/05/2026 18:49

How shocking! I am so sorry this had happened! Where is your husband in all this? This going NC with parents is completely alien to me. I would be interested to know what your DH thinks. My DH points out if he feels I haven’t done right by the kids and I am open to accepting my mistakes. Do you think you accept when you make a mistake?

right now I would just leave them to it. Let them go it alone. Is he your only child?

Eightfor15 · 10/05/2026 19:13

Truetoself · 10/05/2026 18:49

How shocking! I am so sorry this had happened! Where is your husband in all this? This going NC with parents is completely alien to me. I would be interested to know what your DH thinks. My DH points out if he feels I haven’t done right by the kids and I am open to accepting my mistakes. Do you think you accept when you make a mistake?

right now I would just leave them to it. Let them go it alone. Is he your only child?

You say you are open to accepting your mistakes. That in a nutshell is OPs problem.

Bababear987 · 10/05/2026 19:21

Truetoself · 10/05/2026 18:49

How shocking! I am so sorry this had happened! Where is your husband in all this? This going NC with parents is completely alien to me. I would be interested to know what your DH thinks. My DH points out if he feels I haven’t done right by the kids and I am open to accepting my mistakes. Do you think you accept when you make a mistake?

right now I would just leave them to it. Let them go it alone. Is he your only child?

You cant honestly think this is shocking?! Nothing the parents are doing/asking is particularly unusual but OP thinks its her right to criticise them, ignore them and do what she wants. They have only went NC as a last resort, even the "apology" wasnt genuine.

Young people nowadays wont put up with family treating them badly just because theyre 'family'.
Having a title doesnt entitle you to a relationship.