aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

So baby Jennifer Schofield died from due to a kiss OR BREASTFEEDING but no one’s talking about banning breastfeeding are they?
The point I’m trying to make is about keeping things in perspective.
I may be wrong but I thought this virus could only be passed on by exchange of bodily fluids hence no kissing on the mouth. A pp made the point that not all authorities advise against kissing babies.
Of course GPs need to respect a mother’s wishes but that doesn’t rule out that a little kindness/ respect needs to be shown in return.What I think horrifies some oldies is the language and violent emotions in many posts here.
I think we’d all understand if someone wasn’t keen on Granny popping round if she purposely and persistently ignored the mother’s wishes.
Unfortunately, what some of us have experienced is being ‘punished’ because we’d once forgotten/ misunderstood a petty regulation.
Younger people may not understand but yes , we truly can forget in the rush of love for our DC and DGC.
The thing I’ve found most horrible here is that number posters have ‘proved’ that Op was insincere by quoting OP ‘I’m sorry IF my behaviour upset you’!
The only thing critics have proved is how wrong they are.
Could be that OP didn’t even use ‘if’ in her message . Little things like that don’t prove anything except that OP is damned in advance on here.

By that stage they’re much more robust and at nursery or preschool and basically mainlining childhood viruses with every session. Granny’s colds barely get a look in compared to Rupert, Harriet and Sophie smearing germs in each others faces.

Newborn babies aren’t usually in childcare settings and far more vulnerable to germs.

“Could be that OP didn’t even use ‘if’ in her message . Little things like that don’t prove anything except that OP is damned in advance on here”

Op quoted the message she sent, it definitely used the word IF.

Language matters, little words can make a big difference.

You're apologising for upsetting her though, not apologising for the fact you did something with her baby that you were told not to do..... why are you not getting this?
You are the grandparent, you have 0 say, your opinions are irrelevant and you are definitely judging this poor mum.

You are wrong again, on all fronts. RTFT and stop making things up.

‘You are the grandparent, you have 0 say, your opinions are irrelevant‘
I love this!
Out of interest if DMIL said
Goodness me, the baby’s the spitting image of Gt Uncle Harry when he was born!’
Would she get a punishment for that or just a warning on her card?
😆

Depends, is she kissing the baby and posting photographs of him at the same time? Or generally moaning, whining and telling the mother and father how to parent in the same sentence.

If not, I doubt it would be a problem.

Once or twice, fine. But if like my MIL she said it constantly, picking apart my newborns features to ‘prove’ she had some weird ownership over him, bombarding me with photos relentlessly, whilst generally being vile, then yes. The first few times you just nod and smile, then it moves to eye rolls. By day four postpartum and you’re received ten pictures of her extended family via WhatsApp and shoved in your face in person, it gets wearing.

My 1st born looked like a little swollen goblin after he was born. My 2nd looked like a little mole. They didn’t look like anyone 😂

"well I’ve told you the baby will sleep better if they’re warm" was not the sole offer of help made by OP - she says, clearly in the first post "I've also offered loads of help, meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc " that's exactly, surely, the sort of general, basic help you are saying she should offer. She did.

And OP is perfectly within in her rights to have her own feelings about whatever the DIL says, does or posts.

I'm genuinely curious how this punishment system works ...
Suppose `DG had overstepped and had her card marked no less than three times for commenting that the baby had been asleep for. a long time, should you wake it? , exacerbated by no less than two instances of commenting that it looked perhaps hot/cold / hungry...
I'm sure many on.here would support that naturally she would have to be taught a lesson, and you went NC.
Then a few months later it turned out that the baby needed a blood transfusion (highly improbable of course) but perhaps no less improbable than dying by DG kissing it on the head).
It turns out that theb aby has a rare blood group, and the only person on hand and able to help is said DG...
What would be the etiquette in that situation?
Would you issue a formal reinstatement of relations? Would you decide to forgive the inforgivable, or would fate have to do its worst?
Of course it's a (deliberately for clarity) ridiculous example, but the underlying idea is far from ridiculous.
OP tried an apology as recommended here, but it only made things worse.
So is DMIL ever allowed back into the fold or is the banishment permanent?
Do you feel your child might go NC with you in the future , due to the fact you had deprived them of their natural relationship with a close family member, this leaving the ngoal wide open for DG?

How old do they get robust out of interest? When my eldest was a baby the nursery she was in took them from 6 weeks

Í

Strawman

Really, no.
I'm pointing out that this behaviour of treating a senior member of one's family as a naughty child to be taught a lesson is shallow as well as nasty and inappropriate.

Repeatedly overstepping boundaries and being hostile is nasty. Are the son and DIL supposed to let OP crack on however she wants, just because she’s senior?

I'm assuming most DGM s are reasonable and mean for the best. That's my experience. I happen to find OP's pov entirely resonalbe.

It's being ignored here how many women suffer some form of pnd and therefore it's quite possible that the DIL is actually being unreasonable, due to her psychological state. Certainly her response to OP's message suggests that, despite OP's transgressive use of 'if'.
The point is that we actually don't know, although the nature of the posts on here suggest the fault if any, may also to lie with DIL, as the reasoning, justifications, and use of the language of power and control here seem so inappropriate to family life. ie if some of the posts here are anything to go by.

In short, I'm sure a few MILs are totally unreasonable, but the evidence on here alone suggests that DIls also play a strong part in family difficulties.

What a madness. Some of it is reasonable like no pics on social media. The kissing I’m in two minds (I rarely get cold sores but still, I do have virus, so won’t kiss anyones child but mine just in case)
My parents help out so much so I have to accept that they have their rules/their behaviours and as long as my child is loved and cared for it’s fine!)

I'm sorry you went through that experience when your son was born. Some of these responses are startling in their lack of comprehension of nuance or the risks vs. benefits assessments parents have to undertake on pretty much a daily basis.

The 'right' of a grandparent to kiss a baby, or the right of a baby to receive the nutrition keeping it alive, from the healthiest possible source? There are reams of research detailing the benefits of breastfeeding to babies. A false equivalence is about the politest name it's possible to give this absurd comparison. Put simply, if babies are not fed, they die. They won't die from (or even miss) the lack of a kiss. A baby wouldn't even understand the social significance.

And some of these people have raised children, of whom they still apparently have such a vested interest in maintaining their grip on their authority once they reach adulthood?

No wonder some are reporting such difficult family schisms on this thread.

Yep. OP is not some poor victim here. I just re-read her self pitying take on matters. "She said the facebook photo proved i dont respect boundaries and that i have a pattern of doing what i want and then acting innocent after. then she said she doesnt trust me alone with baby because she thinks id ignore their rules if i disagreed with them."

Oof. Imagine admitting someone said that to you. Imagine not being ashamed of that and actually admitting it.

And then the "I will remember that when they need a favour later" stuff in retaliation. And there we have it, the calculating anger at being thwarted. Trying to find a bargaining chip to win, or at least to punish, in a power struggle she has caused by refusing to understand her place .

So her love for the baby is so great she just had to risk health guidelines by kissing him and ignore safeguarding by deliberately choosing to post a photo she knew she shouldn't be posting and offering advice unasked for on baby's health and well being, and she just cannot help calling another person's baby "her" baby (and lord knows what else she has been getting up to) - But at the same time she'll be happy to dump them and not help out to try to punish them if she's not allowed to ignore their choices and do as she likes.

So, not such a desperate love for the baby then? More of a love of the idea of being seeing as an all wise and loving gran who can do as she pleases and be deferred to.

I am glad that her son sees through her and has put her in her place.

That's life, we all have to know our place.

Thank you. I actually hadn't thought about it in a long time, and really didn't want to bring it up, but that truly ignorant response apparently triggered me, I felt such rage at that dismissive bullshit.

It is such an easy safeguarding boundary to put in place.

It was pretty upsetting not to be able to kiss my baby boy - but more because I was terrified I would forget, I was grateful for the mask, it was a constant reminder not to inadvertently harm him, annoying though it was.

And as for me, yes I yearned to kiss him but his health was far more important than my wants.

I've no idea what you're talking about with uncle Harry or warning cards??

But OP asked a question about grandparents knowing their place and im saying yes they should. They dont get to just do whatever they want because they have a title, they aren't entitled to the baby. Its rude to keep saying "my baby" its downright horrible to put an image of someone else baby on social media after being specifically told not to.... its a prime example of not knowing their place.... essentially grandparents get whatever place the parents decide.

Yes. OP wrote she texted:

i realise i have made mistakes and should not have posted him online or gave him a kiss and i am sorry if i have upset you, that was not my intention” !

Why wouldn’t they be upset by a close family member knowingly breaking an important rule to them?

Adding ‘not my intention’ when intentionally doing something (referring to the posting on the social media) doesn’t help because it begs the question, what intent then behind ignoring the parents? Why was breaking said rule more important than their rules around their baby?

i dont know what to say. “d”s came round yesterday on his own and told me they want no contact for the foreseeable future.

he said this hasnt just come from the baby arguments recently but from years of feeling like he had to manage my emotions and avoid upsetting me. he said now he’s a parent himself he doesnt want the same dynamic around his own child.

he also said every time anyone tries to address an issue with me i either deny it happened or become so upset the conversation turns into comforting me instead.

i honestly felt blindsided hearing all this because i never saw myself that way at all. i apologised again and said i didnt realise this is the way i have been and asked if i could see them both to talk about what has happened but son said dil is too uncomfortable with me.

he said not to contact them and that theyll reach out if they ever feel ready.

absolutely devastated

So very sorry to hear. Hopefully, they’ll change their minds before too long.
I hope you don’t get too many hate posts here. X