aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

I had a book by Dr Hugh Jolly. Well thumbed.

It’s interesting the amount of people who are sticking up for the OP on this thread who inevitably then turn out to be grandparents. And the amount who when they say “I don’t see a problem with kissing” get sent the NHS advice and just dismiss it as ridiculous. It’s no wonder many new mums are nervous wrecks when it comes to family.

It’s always ridiculous if it stops them from doing and getting what they want or isn’t the way they would/have done it as if choosing different to some is a slight against them when it’s just people choosing differently with more access to research.

Here are my thoughts:

Things are different now, try to be supportive as you are. I’d have loved my mum to be involved as you want to be. Now specifically:

-Kissing on mouth, we don’t do that
-Kissing on head etc, ok
-I call our baby my baby, but wouldn’t expect a grandparent too, can you say something else? :)
-Leaving to cry, don’t agree, but as they wish??
-Photos, always ask before posting. I’ve only put about 10 up max since our baby was born.
-Give time for help, they will want it and be grateful. Honestly, they’ll probably get tired and calm down. I’m sorry you are experiencing this. I do think people are forgetting feelings. Try to remember though that in a few months to 1-1.5 years they will be tired and probably soften and get some humanness back.

If it’s any consolation, after our baby was born and in intensive care, I asked my mum to come to stay overnight (just to be around, help, not to do a lot) and she didn’t want to stay overnight. I had to call several times.. and say we’d rather you don’t travel 3.5 hrs + each way, just for the day and not want to stay? 🤷‍♀️ so people do struggle on both sides of being a daughter or son / parent, it’s not entirely generational. I sympathise, as Id want to be involved like you. I wish you the best and that it becomes easier soon! xx

I say this as a younger person - a lot of first-time parents act like the world experts on parenting because they've read a book about it or seen some YouTube videos.

The best thing for any parent to recognise is that the "scientific" advice is so changeable, the evidence often so flimsy, and it's best not to stress over it all that much.

Maybe kissing a baby or posting a picture on Facebook is, on balance, not the best idea - but neither of these things is particularly likely to have bad consequences either and it's not worth flying off the handle because it happened just once.

The good news is a lot of parents seem to lighten up on rules after a year or two.

First thing’s first, you should NEVER kiss someone else’s newborn. Ever. This is how RSV is spread and it can be fatal to babies. Annabel Karmel (children’s cookbook author, quite famous in her field) has run a campaign about this after her daughter died directly thanks to a family member kissing her as a newborn. Your DIL was quite right to pull you up on this if she’d asked you previously and you’d ignored her.

RE posting on Facebook, if they don’t want images of their children online you absolutely must respect that. If family are asking for updates, you can send pictures privately. We don’t allow photos of our kids on the internet because there are some really disturbing groups of people out there who will use these for nefarious purposes.

Yes you may have raised 3 children but a lot has changed since the 80s/90s. If your kids are now at the age that they’re having their own babies, I’d guess you had a baby over 20 years ago. When I had my first baby, my health visitor impressed upon me how important it was that we let our parents know much had changed regarding safe sleep, weaning, safety concerns.

Sounds like you ought to respect their wishes a
bit more and worry less about your own feelings. As first time parents they’re obviously feeling anxious and your job is to support them however you can.

But her the OP DIL isn’t flying off the handle because it happens once. It sounds like she only snapped on the kissing after the OP breaking lots of other boundaries. I agree give people a free pass- but that doesn’t mean one per rule- that means here are our boundaries please stick to them. Break one fine- go through the list and break five or six and you’re obviously just pushing your luck.

when the op posted the picture on social media, she was simply asked to take it down- she was the one who burst into tears and created a drama.

And your message would have been seen as sincere, but for that word 'if' sneaking in. Had you said 'I am sorry THAT I have upset', it would have been received very differently. THAT means you accept that she is upset and you are the cause. IF questions whether she's even upset at all, and completely abdicates from responsibility for the upset she may or may not be feeling.

Oh I guarantee OP is downplaying things massively. These are the broken ruiles she's happy to admit to while still feeling incredibly sorry for herself.

And yes, imagine thinking that an overbearing woman who continually oversteps would be a loss to her daughter in law. Women who love their babies as much as the daughter in law clearly loves hers don't want, or need, the labour of women who just will not do the right thing and listen to the parents.

Honestly this is all pretty bog standard in terms of modern parenting. I agree with other posters there is usually a distinct pattern that those who complain about the enforcement of these sorts of rules are just older adults / grandparents who want to be able to do whatever they want.

No kissing newborns - totally normal. I would never kiss a friend’s newborn, holding and cuddling is enough. I also told my mum about this advice, we’re yet to have a baby, and like other older posters she was immediately trying to find reasons why that rule won’t apply to her “I’ve never had cold sores” etc. When we have a baby, that rule certainly will apply to her because my baby’s health is more important than her exercising her will to kiss them. It’s not even about fatality risk - why would I want my child to be exposed to cold sores and then have to deal with them recurring for a lifetime, all because an adult couldn’t exercise some restraint. The virus can lie dormant, so I won’t be relying on self-declarations that someone doesn’t have cold sores. Just back off.

Calling a baby “my baby” when you’re not the parent is also weird to me. The parents (predominantly the mother) have gone through the work of pregnancy, labour and now raising the baby. Don’t steal the possessive “my”, the baby is not yours. They are your grandchild / niece / nephew etc.

Pics on social media is an absolute no. The naivety some people exhibit around this astounds me. There are nefarious people all over the internet who do gross things with baby pics - we have AI image and video creation, a child’s face could be transposed into any sort of disgusting content and passed around on the dark web. Even without that risk in mind, the child deserves privacy and choice about what information of theirs, including their image, is shared online. Children don’t have the ability to give that consent, and no one else has the right to share their image online.

Again, these are big generational differences. I expect most millennials and below will agree with these views, and anyone older will think I’m a pearl clutcher.

Yes. She hasn’t seem to consider how her actions are making it harder on her son and DIL as if they matter less than her wants. I highly doubt they wanted to have a parent overstepping repeatedly while they’re getting their bearings in early parenthood.

The last thing one should want to do is add more stress during the early months to new parents even more so with what we know now when it comes to postpartum/ 4th trimester than we did decades ago, heck they’re still more information being added each year as women’s health is being taken more seriously (although still a long way to go).

I bet if she had left them to get on with it and followed the rules from the get-go regardless of her personal views, she would have been asked to help.

I agree entirely. It's their first baby! They do sound possessive but under the circumstances it is understandable, cut them some slack and let them find their own way of doing things. It would be conceived as potentially interfering, I am sure you are a very kind grandmother and feel you are standing by, fingers itching and willing to help, and I'm pretty sure dil feels or knows that so she is particularly 'on' to that and is perceptive enough to try fend you off. Give them some space and try and observe from a distance. I think when dil relaxes she will ask you for more help in time to come.

I don’t usually post, but honestly your post made me feel quite angry on your children’s behalf.

You keep framing this as though being a grandparent gives you certain rights or authority, but it doesn’t. Being involved in a grandchild’s life is something built through trust, respect, and support; not entitlement.

You are not the parent here; they are. Raising children before does not give you authority over someone else’s child or the right to ignore their boundaries. Experience can be valuable, but it does not override the parents’ decisions.

The issue is not that they “don’t respect you”; it’s that you are struggling to respect the fact that this is their baby, their home, and their rules.

Offering help is one thing, but when help starts feeling like criticism, control, or taking over, people naturally pull back and reinforce boundaries.

And honestly, the Facebook issue is a good example of why those boundaries exist. Posting a newborn online without the parents’ consent is not a small thing. If your account is public or not properly secured, strangers can access those photos and many unsavoury characters do so as a hobby. Many parents are also uncomfortable with how social media companies use uploaded images and data, especially involving children, especially as they've been known to train Ai, this is especially true for Facebook.
There’s also the possibility you shared photos before the parents even had the chance to announce their own baby themselves. Whether intentional or not, I can completely understand why they were upset.

Your daughter-in-law talking about being tired is also not an attack on you. She is adjusting to motherhood, exhaustion, hormones, and an entirely new life. Parents vent. That does not mean you are being publicly shamed or unappreciated.

You sound hurt because your role in the family has changed, and honestly that’s understandable. But grandparents are not co-parents, and leaning on “I raised 3 kids successfully” will usually make new parents feel dismissed rather than supported.

The best way to build trust and closeness here is not by pushing back on boundaries, but by showing you can respect them consistently.

I think you’ve lost your grip on reality here.

I think it's the OP using a sock account 😅

There were similar sentiments on a different MIL and DIL thread and a few "IT'S SEXIST AGAINST MEN, WHAT IF THE ROLES WERE REVERSED??!!" Depressing.

Entirely. My DC is 12. I'm also well within the age range to be a grandparent. I do get occasional cold sores and if I have an open one am really careful with towels, no kisses, etc. This advice wasn't out there when my child was a baby. If it had been, I'd have followed it because it's my job as a mother to protect my baby. Cold sores are painful, unpleasant, and in the case of small babies, potentially outright dangerous.Would I respect any DiL if she implemented this rule which I only knew about retrospectively? Yes, of course. Why wouldn't I, if I loved my grandchild and also wanted the best for them?

Parenting advice changes all the time as medical advances are made. Just look at the decline in SIDS rates since putting babies to sleep on their backs became received practice. Likewise, the dangers of cot bumpers. Doubtless before this became widely known, many parents probably engaged in other, less safe practices, and most of these babies will have been fine, but that's small consolation for those who were not. If these parents could go back in time, would they act in accordance with this advice? I suspect most would.

I simply don't understand this attitude of 'I raised a child and they were fine so I'm the "expert", you should think as I think, or I'll dispense constant unsolicited advice and flounce when it isn't appreciated'. The arrogance of that mindset is quite something. The 'experts' on any specific baby are the parents, the people who know them best.

Good grief, is this really where we are now?

"Any contact is a privilege" 🙄

Genuine question @Gnomedeplume do you consider any contact they have with you as a privilege for them too?

Cold sores do, actually, kill babies btw.

Yep, the herpes virus transmitted by cold sores actually DOES KILL babies.

If you've ever had a cold sore do not kiss babies.

End.

An 11-day-old baby in the UK died after contracting HSV-1 (cold sore virus), believed to have been passed through a kiss or breastfeeding.
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2009-02-27/baby-killed-by-mothers-kiss-inquest/1602880?

Mariana Sifrit, an 18-day-old baby in Iowa, died from HSV-1 meningitis after she caught the virus from a kiss infected with herpes

https://www.businessinsider.com/baby-died-from-herpes-kiss-meningitis-what-parents-need-to-know-2017-7

Baby Violet in the UK died from herpes virus infection and her parents later warned people not to kiss newborns.
https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/about-us/our-impact/bereavement-stories/hayley-and-dimitris-story/

Baby Luca was born severely ill and blind in one eye after HSV-1 infection linked to the cold sore virus.
https://www.thesun.ie/health/14262393/baby-herpes-born-blind-womb-red-raw/?utm_source=chatgpt.com

Your daughter-in-law talking about being tired is also not an attack on you. She is adjusting to motherhood, exhaustion, hormones, and an entirely new life. Parents vent. That does not mean you are being publicly shamed or unappreciated.

@Philomel I honestly didn't read it like that - I read it as the OP saying "I've offered all the help I can think of and DIL says No,no,no then says on FB "oh I'm so tired having all this to do" Like, you didn't have to do it all and be exhausted, you did have plenty of help offered but chose to say No. DILs FB post could come across as no one has offered any help at all which wouldn't be correct.

But how about just saying “how can I help?” And making it known you’re happy to put the hoover round or bung a load of washing out on the line. Rather than “help” being well I’ve told you the baby will sleep better if they’re warm

Daughter in law is perfectly within her rights to voice her own opinions about her own life and have a bit of a vent o FB without having to worry about her over sensitive, pushy mother in law making everything about herself. She's posting on FB for herself, not as an emotional support person for the OP. OP is even centering herself in another woman's posts about her own life.

Christ some people really enjoy twisting the knife.

OP has acknowledged she broke THE RULES, apologised and reflected. What more can she do? Honestly I couldn’t be offended if my MIL cared enough and lived close enough to offer to cook for us or have the baby so I could rest. Who is that offending?!

Just a question that popped into my head in the early hours, all these parents that don't want anyone kissing/ holding their baby, what do you do when the little one is older and puts its arms up to another adult to be picked up or kisses another adult ?

If like myself, we just asked people not to kiss our children when they were very small, fresh out of the uterus. Once they were more robust, it wasn’t a problem. My 1st was an early term section baby with jaundice, weak, small and vulnerable. It wasn’t to punish or control relatives, just to protect him whilst he was at a vulnerable point. My MIL still kept kissing his face after being asked not to and passed her cold onto him at 2wks old. Worsened his jaundice as he was struggling to feed as it is, then with a blocked nose made it ten times worse. I had to end up syringe feeding him as he couldn’t latch onto the breast or bottle. Narrowly kept him from being hospitalised.

Now both kids are older, it’s not a big deal. My toddler will kiss relatives if he wants to. With my 2nd who’s nearly one, we were a little more relaxed as he was a lot more robust. Just asked to keep kisses off the face and hands.

Parents put these rules in place as you’d think people would be more cautious about not spreading germs, but they’re not. Some people are so entitled they only give a shit about their wants, not a babies needs.

Maybe not cry about them needing a tiny bit of space after she deliberately broke pretty clear and normal rules (thinking particularly about the social media post) almost immediately after the baby was born and then continued to repeatedly behave in a similar manner.

Fine, she said sorry but it's pretty clear she didn't mean it because she immediately turned herself into the victim again.

All she needs to do is back off for a bit, then try again properly in a couple of weeks.