aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

@justme39 you need to stop generalising from your own son and Dil to the rest of us. I wouldn't dream of scolding my mil or take offence at being offered help (if ever I had been offered help!)

The picture on Facebook wasn't good. The rest is ok, in my view, but ignoring what they said about social media makes me wonder if you take what they say seriously in general.

On the other hand I think your Dil should show you more respect, if only because you're her mil. And any issues in your relationship with her/ behaviour towards the baby should be dealt with between you and your son. Dil shouldn't snap at you or tell you off or anything at all like that.

actually i said “i realise i have made mistakes and should not have posted him online or gave him a kiss and i am sorry if i have upset you, that was not my intention” !
i think that is sincere enough!

It’s still a “I’m sorry you’re sorry apology” putting the issue back on them for being upset, not you for doing the things they asked you not to do.

You need to just own it.

I can see why your kids are giving you a wide berth. You don’t stop whining about YOUR feelings and the respect YOU feel you are owed, with plans to cut them off if they don’t let you behave how you like.

Seriously, what kind of man comes on a vast majority female website to bully women for their opinions and values? It’s pathetic and embarrassing

Has the OP ever come back? Probably a wind up if not. Slightly off topic but does anyone know how you see only the OP posts on a particular thread?

These are entirely reasonable 'rules' and the fact you haven't followed them and are 'biting your tongue' over them suggest that this is going to be an ongoing issue and they'll probably pull away from you.

When my niece/nephews were born we were asked not to kiss their faces due to risks of germs/cold sores which is entirely reasonable. We cuddled them, chatted to them, played with them and had a wonderful time without kissing them. As they've grown, they run to us and kiss us of their own choice, which is lovely.

It's not your baby, so calling the baby 'my baby' when you're already breaking other boundaries like posting the baby's photo on social media (absolute no go if the parents don't want their child posted and ENTIRELY reasonable) is almost goading and taunting.

Those weren't difficult issues to deal with at all and this is exactly the kind of attitude that ends up with reduced contact because you won't respect their choices. The fact you're making out like they are unreasonable and there are 'too many rules' just emphasises that.

And I just can't get over anyone thinking they'd be upset by her removing her unwanted interference from their lives.

Her bargaining power is zero. "I will just leave you in peace to parent as you please if you don't kowtow to my hurty feels and let me do as I like" is really not a viable threat 😅

You think that would be a terrible threat that will bring OP's son and DIL into line? I'm pretty sure that it would have the opposite effect and would just justify and reinforce their decision to keep OP at arm's length. I find it amusing that you think that the loss of OP from their lives would be a punishment for them. I expect that would actually be a cause of celebration.

Lol! OP sounds like a twat and I'm sure her son is embarrassed by her rude and entitled behaviour. She is reaping what she has sown.

I can see both sides to a degree. I've got 4 dks,7 dgks, oldest is actually 34 today. Youngest 6 months and I say "How's my baby". My DD her mum is absolutely fine with that. Hands her over and I am in kissing mode,rude!!! Classic MN. I was with her in labour. Poster is trying to be helpful, but it is construed as interference. I would say back off, don't offer meals, babysitting, anything,at some point they will be begging for some help. What is dil like with her own mother?

I'm a new grandparent and it's a rapid learning curve ! The current advice is no kissing babies as neo-natal herpes, sometimes caused by a cold sore that may not be visible, or RSV which is prevalent this time of year, can be fatal or cause serious illness. No visits from anyone ill or with illness in their household. Sounds like Mum is following advice from health professionals and keeping her child safe from the online predators that take innocent photos from social media and incorporate them into the vile images they distribute. This is the world we live in now. My heart goes out to all new mums, under immense pressure to do the right thing. We can respect their boundaries, ask what is needed practically, earn their trust and be there for them when asked - a blessing and a privilege. The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world !

The absolute dross on this thread is something else!

I find that threat amusing when it’s used. Why would they all of sudden want the help of someone who can’t follow simple rules about their newborn? If others were breaking the rules and she was being the only one told off, she would have mentioned it so likely her son and DIL have others that they will trust to have the baby instead if and when they eventually do ask.

OP says she kept her mouth shut mostly so after being told the pretty normal rules which we see a many grandparents complain about here, I’m wondering if she is downplaying how much she has kept her mouth shut. The baby is a few months old so they may have had her overstepping for awhile.

The kiss on the head was after she had completely disregarded their social media rule, add in that apology that most pointed out didn’t particularly come off as sincere even if OP intended for it to be and with past actions this was probably the last straw for them.

You’re only sorry because it’s all backfired. The child is not your baby. You don’t get to do all the things you’ve put in your original post. You’ve had your time. This is your sons and DILs time. You want to be too involved. They want their own family time and space, which is sounds like you’ve not given. I have no idea why grandparents have such a sense of entitlement??? This time is not about you or your wants, but the new mum, their emotions/hormones and their wants/needs. You should go over only when invited or when your request to visit is accepted, hold baby when offered and then leave after an hour or so. This is coming from a new mum 12 weeks PP who felt so overwhelmed with visits from in laws, I had to implement rules myself.

As a recent first time mum I get both sides. You are grandma and obviously love the baby very much but post partum we are worried about things like:

• kissing - spreading germs (seen lots of cases where baby ends up in hospital very poorly in ICU)
• posting on social media - nowadays with AI etc pictures can fall into the wrong hands… there was a case a mother found a picture of her baby daughter photoshopped to look very appealing to paedophiles. disgusting.
• Self soothing - not really self soothing is it? It’s more, don’t rush immediately to get baby, give them a second before rushing in. (They’ll probably relax as they have more kids)
• I know you mean well with the overtired and cold comments but to a new parents it’s annoying. It feels like a criticism.
• complaining about being tired - haha, yep, I did this sooooo much. But it’s worth it. Trust me when I say, back off and they’ll come around. It’s just hormones are all over the place, you’re not her mum so she’s figuring out how she would like everyone to fit around her new world. Once you relax and let them be, they will be more inclined to have you help.
• my own MIL was similar to you - I can tell she loves my children. Of course you do!! But it irritated me when things were done and she undermined me. I have to be polite to MIL whereas I can argue with my own mum. My MIL tried wrestling my son out of my arms so that’s made me become more distant with her and was calling us to ask to sleep over as soon as we announced baby was born. She also would make comments telling us what to do - again, I know you guys mean well!! But it pisses us off because we live with baby 24/7 and when she did come over for an hour she was telling us to give our 5 week old baby 300ml to drink of formula even though their tummies are tiny and stop my Breastmilk and they’re not full from it. I wanted to kill her.
• seriously now my baby is 8 months old I’ve chilled because she has backed off. Just listen to them, be there calm, acknowledge parents are tired and that their baby is growing healthy and happy. That they’re doing a good job. They’ll come back around when you stop hovering.

I think you need to respect certain boundaries, I could have written this myself but from the DIL point of view

You don't understand how frustrating it is when you have a newborn and don't want people kissing the baby and they still try to

I agree with the no photos online too, if MIL put one on it would be taken straight down. Too many creeps online and also using AI

YABU - it’s perfectly reasonable for DS and DIL to set all of the boundaries that you have mentioned.

This is not your baby and you’re not entitled to share photos of them online, kiss them or interfere with the way that they are choosing to parent.

What trend are you referring to?

Also, you have an AMAZING son and DIL who obviously care about their baby very much. Your DIL has carried a baby for 9months and still recovering. They say women don’t feel like themselves until 2 year post partum. Please allow your son to support his wife. Because he should.!! I would be raging if my hubby chose his mum over me in this situation!

If an apology is sincere you would understand that they are not obliged to forgive and move on straight away. An apology shouldn't just be made so that everything immediately goes back to normal. That's quite manipulative which can be seen in the fact that you clearly consider yourself to be the real victim.

What's AMAZING about them, compared to any other parents?

The ‘trend’ of having boundaries, protecting your peace and not allowing others to stomp their way through your postpartum, apparently. New mothers shouldn’t be allowed to protect their baby or their peace if it interferes with a granny being able to say or do what they want 🙄

OP have you come across MoreThanGrand? Her TikToks are short and snappy but she does longer blog posts etc too.

I wonder if looking at some of her posts would help? I’m not saying you are in the wrong but she reframes grandparenting in the context of modern society and it could help restore the relationship before it’s too late.

Hi OP, perhaps you’ve forgotten how stressful it is having a new baby. Your DIL may be really struggling, physically, mentally and emotionally (including possible post-natal depression), making every irritation raw and heightened.

So, if they’ve asked for space, then give it. Don’t judge them for it.

I’ve always asked people not to post photos of me or my DC on social media. Mine were born 20 years or so ago when I was late 30s/early 40s. So, a desire for privacy is certainly not the preserve of younger parents at all. There’s no need to post photos. You can show family and friends photos without posting them.

I believe the no kissing is now advice. But it’s such a natural thing to kiss a baby/child on the head, it should be forgiven if done by mistake.

IMHO, I think your DIL is being a bit uptight about the advice and help you’ve offered on baby care. IME people offer all sorts of advice, including strangers in the street/on buses. Unsolicited advice can seem pushy and annoying. But I always took it as well meant, considered it and then did what I thought was best. But if your DS and DIL are wanting to do it their way, then simply back off with the advice.

And sounds like you need to show them you will now respect their way of doing things if they’re to trust you to look after the baby. You may not agree (personally, I find it v upsetting when babies or children - or adults for that matter - are left to cry alone - IMHO it’s certainly not ‘gentle parenting’). But if that’s the way they’ve chosen (unless they’re doing something risky), you must respect it and not interfere.

On the messaging, you should be able to message and speak to your DS one-to-one. To support him as a new father. DIL sounds a bit controlling on that front.

Nice to read this from a grandparent who understands

I’d imagine the trend where if new mums want advice now they can google on their phone and immediately find a sensible answer from the NHS, NCT, international hospitals, government sponsored programmes and other reputable sources.

Whereas the grandparents remember back when they were going through it as “I always got advice from my mother or MIL”, but that would have been due to accessibility of information, and other people who had kids would have been the best source of help to tide you over until the health visitor came round.

It’s interesting the amount of people who are sticking up for the OP on this thread who inevitably then turn out to be grandparents. And the amount who when they say “I don’t see a problem with kissing” get sent the NHS advice and just dismiss it as ridiculous. It’s no wonder many new mums are nervous wrecks when it comes to family.