aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

I think it might be the lady who’s posted before about the MiL/DS/DiL dynamic.

Oh get a grip

Why not just enjoy their company when you visit, and accept that they know their own baby best and are best-placed to make decisions for him?

You hopefully have many, many years to build a relationship with this child. Soon he'll be on the move and coming to you for cuddles on his own.

Yes. It’s always interesting how a lot of MIL’s want to instantly blame the spouses whether male or female instead of considering that maybe both parents decided together what boundaries they wanted to have, that their adult children likely even proposed or agreed, without being forced into it.

Some act as if couples don’t talk about such things, didn’t go together to a NCT class or did their own research using the mobile that most adults carry around and discussed things while on the couch or in bed with each other.

You can literally google about anything and everything online, plenty of parenting forums, and advice yet it’s easier to assume new parents know next to nothing compared to family members who likely haven’t cared for a baby in years. Advice changes all the time, although the kissing newborns one has been a thing for a long time and has been stressed by doctors for years as is washing your hands and not going near a newborn when you have even a cough due to their immature immune systems. The social media one is also not relatively new either and parents were being wary before covid.

Folks, this is a classic example of an enabler to dometic abuse and I implore you to disregard a word that this person says.

You have absolutely no idea about me. If I thought you were serious and genuine then I might argue about you calling me an enabler but you can’t be real.

Looks like you never developed the ability to spell or use grammar as an adolescent so are perpetually stuck with the body of a woman but the intellect of a teenager.

I'm a man. Assuming my gender shows your ignorance and lack of awareness. Finish your glass of sav b and go to bed hun. You are making yourself look quite the fool.

😂😂😂

It’s a tricky path.
Basic; you have to respect parents’ wishes as to how to raise their children (unless it’s clearly, legally abusive).
But, hopefully, you’ve got strong enough bond/trust with your child to have honest conversation about how you’re allowed to behave as a grandparent.
My grandchildren are well beyond baby (and tbh, there were no issues in interactions when they were).
I respect how my son and partner want to raise their children, and I ask my son if there’s anything I think I might say/do that could be against their wishes. But I have the confidence in my relationship with my son to ‘challenge’. Then we talk and come to an agreement.

Sounds like your son is a happy, healthy relationship. Sadly ops son sounds as though they are in an emotionally abusive relationship were upon he crucifies his own mother to keep his wife happy regardless of her selfish and irrational behaviour.

Does anyone know how to report abusive trolls to admin? Thanks

Hahahahahaha! Found the bullying mother in law 😅😂

Just email them and say you are an abusive troll and ask them to delete your account and block your IP. It's good you've realised you shouldn't be posting :)

I'm sure DIL would be equally not nice about MIL if she was posting on here, but DIL is mum so apart from looking after her baby she's got enough going on emotionally/hormonally without being slagged off by MIL. No doubt MIL has told everyone about her banishment blah blah blah - that's not a good move either.

My MIL was always trying to edge her way further in than I was comfortable with & all it did was cause problems between me & DH, he stuck up for her & I was the unreasonable one. I just wanted the 3 of us to have bonding time but she was always asking him if she could do xyz & then he'd ask me, she even asked for a key to the house so she could let herself in to clean the house 😱😱😱.

My offer to anyone in my circle is simple 'you know where I am if you need me'. I never badger anyone, I don't push myself into other people's business.

I know now that MIL meant well but for me it was intrusive. I didn't want or need her help, pre-arranged visits for an hour were fine but then she'd say things and ask things that were probably more suited to an 18 year old. She might as well have said 'do you know what you're doing'.

DD had a dummy, not sure what current advice is, but when MIL saw me giving it to DD she said "Oh she's not having a dummy is she, she'll have buck teeth". She was wrong about that, her teeth are perfect, but I actually wanted to thump her.

Don't worry, plenty of people will have already reported you. I expect you'll be deleted in the morning.

For fuck"s sake, no wonder the country is in the state it's in when people like this can vote and procreate.

You had your babies and did it your way, let them do it theirs.

@justme39

i apologised sincerely and instead got back a list of everything apparently wrong with my personality and parenting. im sorry but that was cruel. i will remember this when being asked for favours in a few years as we all know how hard toddlers are!

Do you not remember how hard having a young baby is? They may have reacted a tad more strongly than they would have prebaby OR they may be so used to you overstepping that you opened a flood gate. Whichever, please give them a break, back off and listen to them.

I don't think this is as modern a phenomena as you think OP. Parents have always wanted to raise their babies 'their way' and, I'm sure, many many grandparents have silently felt that, as they have raised children to adults, they do know what they are doing. I wouldn't be surprised if 20 odd years ago my Mum was mentally rolling her eyes at some of my baby 'rules'.

Life for your son and DIL is all about their baby at the moment and you seem to be wanting to make it all about you.

The lack of respect appears to be from you- not only in the way you disregard rules set by the new parents but the sarcastic tone of this post.

Just because you raised children decades ago does not mean you're a parenting expert, nor are you up to date on all of the latest guidance.

Typical post from a husband's mother, I knew from the title it would be 🙄

No kissing the baby’s face and no photos on Facebook are understandable. You crossed a major boundary and were in the wrong. Not calling a baby a baby and leaving the baby to cry is awful. That’s not gentle parenting.

However YABU to generalise young parents. I presume they are early 20s or teens? I was in my mid 20s (not that young to be a mum) when I had my child and now in my late 20s.

I think the 'self soothing' phrase is confusing. Babies cry if hungry, tired. Uncomfortable, in pain, too hot or cold, needing winding needing changing. The responses need to match the need.
When tired and well fed and winded after a while they will cry often briefly and then sleep. You see some people rocking the baby at this point.
You learn roughly what tired looks like and with my children picking them up when they were literally about to fall asleep would have been counter productive, ( as it stimulates rather than sooths) but otherwise they may well need to be picked up. Caveat- all kids are different.
Are you picking up the baby when they are about to and due a sleep?
Would it help to understand exactly what your Dil is trying to achieve? Even small babies can quickly develop their routine.
There's no centuries old tradition of photos on the internet. The internet is only about 50. So the rule is don't put photos of other people's kids on the internet. You might need to reassure Dil that you don't intend to do it again. Bridges will mend. Try gentle grandparenting.