aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

Your DIL sounds like a neurotic nightmare

They are being ridiculous. If it was me I would tell them how you feel and say you will be limiting the time and help you give in the future.

Maybe so but I don't think it's unusual that things that irritate from
someone you care less about wouldn't bother you from someone else.

That'll show 'em!

Honestly its like women want other women to suffer because they did.

Im glad I have no family I actually love. Due to their treatment of me.

As a young new parent I have a lot of mixed feelings for your situation. At the end of the day, it's their baby and you should respect their wishes. I think it's lovely that you offer to help, but again, if they don't want the help then you have to be okay with that. Give them room to learn on their own. Unless the baby is being harmed by these rules, let them be the parents.

As for the social media post...I would have been upset, too. It's very common for parents to not want their child's picture online. You don't know what kind of perverts or scammers are out there. Even if your profile is private, that picture now belongs to Facebook and has probably been scraped by some AI image generating company. Your DS, DIL, and grandchild deserve to have their privacy respected. You can share pictures with family and friends without it being posted online, that's what my parents do.

Maybe you need to have a conversation with DS & DIL. This recount is awfully one-sided and I'm so curious as to what they think. It could be that they read some books and watched some videos online so they think they're parenting experts now, or it could be deeper. If it's bothering you that much you should just address it. Otherwise, I'm sure they'll ease up over time.

Actually, I think that comes across as a very poor, insincere apology. You didn't apologise for your disrespectful behaviour, you apologised 'IF' she was offended. Your posts come across as very self-absorbed and focused on you and what you think you deserve. And your reaction that you're looking forward to them needing help when the child is a toddler so that you can get back at them for upsetting you now suggests that you have the emotional maturity of a petulant teenager. No wonder they don't trust you! You ARE disrespectful, lack boundaries, and are not self-reflective. I would not trust you either and would be keeping you at arm's length.

This is where you are going wrong. I am saying this to genuinely try to help you (as the mum of a young son with a sometimes challenging mother-in-law). You are not listening - they asked you not to publish their son’s photograph on Facebook and you did anyway, knowing you shouldn’t and were going against their wishes. Now you have been called up on it you are continuing to defend your actions, rather than accepting responsibility and taking accountability for the impact this has had on their relationship with you. The problem with that attitude is that the apology does not seem genuine; they don’t feel they can trust you not to simply repeat it.

Calling any baby other than your own “my baby” is inappropriate. Again, you are defending yourself instead of hearing opinions to the contrary. A baby being in your family does not make it yours. Even if you feel that’s normal, they don’t like it (I wouldn’t either, for what it’s worth) - and it’s their child. Why do something that makes your daughter in law feel uncomfortable if you want to keep seeing your grandchild?

I suspect your son and daughter in law would like nothing more than for their child to have a great relationship with you - but they are new parents, they sound quite anxious and rather than respecting their right to do this their way and the boundaries they have put in place (no photos on social media is completely reasonable and very normal), you are ignoring their wishes and your attitude is that they are being unreasonable.

Their reaction to the kiss sounds like a massive overreaction but I suspect this is because they are at something of their wit’s end with you. All those “comments” about whether the baby is tired, or cold are annoying (just because they are new parents doesn’t mean they are idiots; they still know their baby better than anyone else and certainly you) and to an anxious, sleep deprived new mum those comments just sound like criticism.

You want to improve things? Give them space, then apologise again by saying you realise you have overstepped boundaries and you get it now and don’t want to do that again and want to be a part of their lives and be helpful and close and for it to be enjoyable. And if they let you back in, save your “comments” for only positive things - like what a great job they are doing, how much you admire their patience, how lovely their child is. If you can’t find anything positive and encouraging to say, then you’d do well to just keep quiet. Unless you reflect on and change your behaviour, nothing here will change but it will be you who loses out the most - they have plenty of time with their child.

I can see both sides.

kissing top of head would be fine for me as long as not on face.

photos - you did wrong there. I’d be fuming if my family shared photos of my kids online without my consent. The my baby thing is a bit much too and I can see how that would upset a new mum. I wouldn’t like it if someone else claimed my baby!

I don’t think babies of a couple of months can self soothe. But I wonder if they said it because they want to be the ones to respond to the crying. Again I have an over involved family member who used to jump and grab my baby at the slightest thing - then don’t want to give them back, when I knew I wanted to soothe and feed them.

maybe mum is anxious but I also think it’s ok for them to find their way and set some boundaries.

It’s sad that this is happening and it seems to happen a lot. There’s so many threads where new parents are trying to settle and get used to their new lives and their friends and family really do struggle with this

I do think things have changed a people are better at setting boundaries. I wish I had. I have said this on many threads on similar topics. I hated that people came to see baby so so soon when I was really rotten and emotional. But I felt I had to as it is the “norm”. But I think that norm has changed a bit for some people.

they are new parents. Anxious yes probably. Exhausted. Emotional.

OP instead of threatening not to help in the future why don’t you just back off for a bit until they are more in a routine? Give them the space they are asking for.

I do get the exhausted thing. I was exhausted as most mums are. I still am a lot of the time. Help is great. But actually for me help meant having to talk to people, socialise, have people in my home, question me. It’s actually easier to just muddle through on your own!

some families love all that though so it’s just different people and what they want. I’m not saying either is right or wrong.

how old is baby?

Indeed. The dil would probably hire a marching band and a cheer squad if the OP left her and their baby in peace.

Women who care a lot about their children (as dil obviously does) don't want interfering older women with an inability to listen to fair and reasonable guidelines around their kids, generally. It's definitely not a threat that has any legs if the OP "threatens" to withdraw labour 😅

I feel really sorry for you. You don’t understand that the way you’ve been isn’t ok. Maybe if it was your daughter you might have got away with it. she’d be able to speak up more easily. But this is s daughter in law. And you have to TREAD VERY carefully. You have to be incredibly emotionally intelligent. You really have to sit back and wait. To be asked, to follow their rules to the letter. So they can learn to trust you. To trust that you’ll do things their way.
You seem to think that ‘these days’ grandparents aren’t allowed a voice. But it’s not about these days. My kids are well grown now and I did not like being told what to do with my children or get unsolicited advice and that was decades ago.
Sadly you were not picking up on the cues that your Dil was giving you. And you continued digging a hole for yourself.
The fact that you said in one of your posts ‘that you’ll remember this when he’s a toddler’ shows something about your personality.
You’ve apologised. But my guess is they don’t believe you really ‘get it’. You think they’re just over sensitive or overprotective. You think they’re being silly.
They know you think that.
All you can do is step back and give it time.
And your son has asked you to reflect.
Do that. If you can’t do that on your own get a few sessions with a counsellor.
good luck.

Your son is under the thumb and terrified of his wife. He's deeply unhappy but is being mentally abused to the point he chooses her over his mother. Modern day domestic abuse that is overlooked as it's female on male and no violent.

She has her son broken down to the point he has turned his back on his own mother. Domestic abuse that is accepted.

That's quite the fantasy you're spun there.

Nowhere in her post does she state that she was told anything about photos.

I used to call my Grandkids Nana's baby boy/girl and they loved it so did my daughter and SIL. They are now 21 and 19 and I still say How is Nana 's best girl/boy? They still love it. One of the best things in life is an extended supportive family!

So, you don't follow wishes around kissing the baby (by the way, the cold sore virus can kill babies), you don't follow their wishes around posting photos on socials media, you offer unsolicited advice (how insulting to have someone believe you cannot even tell if your own child is cold!). It is not that they don't want help, they don't want the boundary crossing (I couldn't help it, my friends were asking ) and the 'I know best' judgement you seem to be putting across.

You sound like a hormonal teenager that likes to rebel against common sense. Suggest you log off and go to bed before you make an evening more outrageous comment.

@Rkin33OP confirmed it in a later post.

Or he is just supporting his newly postpartum wife, knowing he has an overbearing mother.

He’s putting his wife first, as a husband should do. Especially as a father.

Always an excuse these days for being a horrible human being. Garuntee the son is heartbroken about his mother being treat like a nuisance but the threat of being cut off from his newborn and systematic psychological abuse allows him to go against his instincts. She's a monster.

Maybe they feel you were putting their baby in danger. They don’t want their photos of their baby posted for randoms on Facebook. Sensible safeguarding for many.

They don’t want people kissing a small baby and risk herpes and RSV. Sensible and advisable. Now she saw you kiss the baby’s head but she will likely worry you’d kiss his face too. Putting the baby in danger.

You are not expected to have zero attachment but you do need to know your place as a grandparent. Just as I do as a sister, friend, god mother etc
You can have as many opinions as you want but as long as the baby isn’t at risk then keep them to yourself. It’s really not difficult unless you can’t respect boundaries.

Stop making this about you. She’s a new mum, maybe scared of being judged and getting it wrong so whilst your comments might not be mean critically, she’s taking it like that so back off and give a little understand for her perspective.

Your son wasn’t nasty to you but he was firm and he was defending his partner who was feeling under attack. Maybe they are being sensitive but so what. The only way to get through this and repair the fracture is to suck it up, give them space and act respectfully. Carry on being the victim and you’ll lose them.

Don’t be fucking ridiculous!