Page 29 | aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

justme39 · 2026-05-07T18:07:29+00:00

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not. my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄 i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful. i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining. another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right. i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly. now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

Andthatmyfriendisthat · 09/05/2026 11:30

Methodstothemadness · 09/05/2026 11:26

You only have to revert to using power and “obedience” when you keep asking for family to do things nicely and they ignore you.

No one is demanding in the first instance. The problem is many new mums ask for quite reasonable things- like don’t post pictures on social media, family ignore their rules and when these new mums then dare assert themselves everyone gets offended. They shouldn’t have had to assert themselves in the first place.

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Yep. OP outright ignored two fair guidelines both of the actual parents agreed on, nags them about their baby's medical care and other aspects of parenting, and then apologised with the horrible "I'm sorry IF I upset you" bait and switch.

Now OP will do as she is told, or risk being sidelined.

It's not her baby, it's not her choice, and she brought it on herself.

Vivi0 · 09/05/2026 11:42

SixtySomething · 09/05/2026 11:09

‘Do you think that maintaining those relationships would have no effect on a woman’s emotional wellbeing?’
It’s not what I think! I KNOW it made me feel unhappy and worthless.
Nevertheless, it was better to learn to look past her petty vindictive behaviour.
30 years on, I hardly think about it but I know she pla yed a huge part in my DC’s developing identity and happiness. I don’t regret it. I couldn’t have changed her. Only time did that..,

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The people who play the biggest part in their children’s identity and happiness is by far their parents.

I can’t believe you thought it was better for your children to be raised by a mother who was unhappy and felt worthless, so that a “vindictive” woman could play a huge part in shaping them.

Can you not see how messed up that is?

You sacrificed yourself, and your children being raised by a happy mother, to allow another person 30 years to finally behaviour like a decent person towards you.

That is not normal and it’s absolutely batshit that you think others should do the same.

SerafinasGoose · 09/05/2026 11:45

WiltedLettuce · 09/05/2026 11:29

There are too many people on this thread who seem to like to tell other people what to do rather than simply spend time together.

I'm not sure whether their personalities were domineering or overbearing to begin with, or whether it's something that a new baby brings out in previously reasonable people.

But I'd never go into someone's house and tell them how they should redesign their kitchen or look after their pets. Though I might like to give the family dog or cat a pat and a cuddle if it was welcome.

Why would I tell someone how they should be looking after their kids (code for "in exactly the same way that I looked after MY kids because I did it perfectly") and expect it to be well-received?

Exactly. I also find the repeated reference to 'power' quite interesting. Where exactly does the exertion of power take place in the family structure, the one environment in which it should rightfully be seen as a large red flag.

These are certainly hallmarks of some people's perception of their place within the family structure. As is the repeated instistence on younger women vs. older women. Men, as usual, are deemed superfluous to the raising of children or implementing of parenting decisions as to their upbringing, which I find peculiar. Parenting is a two-person job. That said, the idea of being Ruling Matriarch was never one I set particular store by.

The thread is an interesting eye-opener into why so many relationships between adults and their parents/parents-in-law appear so problematic, and why there's a wholesale movement around the theme of grandparents' rights. And that's revealing in itself. Even the name of that movement seems curiously impervious to the pertinent point: it's not about their rights or feelings of entitlement to rule the roost by virtue of family hierarchy. It's about the rights of the child.

In most cases a child's relationship with their grandparents is a highly beneficial one. My own grandparents brought so much joy into my life that there's no way I'd want to deprive my own child of that. In some cases, however, it isn't; particularly where it's actively harmful to the child's relationships within their families of origin. Where that line is drawn is the parents' call and nobody else's.

UK law does not recognise 'grandparents' rights', no matter how much wind, hot air and wasted pixels are thrown onto the internet.

SerafinasGoose · 09/05/2026 11:46

Vivi0 · 09/05/2026 11:42

The people who play the biggest part in their children’s identity and happiness is by far their parents.

I can’t believe you thought it was better for your children to be raised by a mother who was unhappy and felt worthless, so that a “vindictive” woman could play a huge part in shaping them.

Can you not see how messed up that is?

You sacrificed yourself, and your children being raised by a happy mother, to allow another person 30 years to finally behaviour like a decent person towards you.

That is not normal and it’s absolutely batshit that you think others should do the same.

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It's often what drives people who think in this way. 'My MiL was awful to me, and I chose to suck it up, so now future generations should be forced to suffer precisely the same thing'.

Reciprocity simply doesn't work like this. They had their choices within their own time, and they made them.

Now other women are at liberty do the same with theirs.

diddl · 09/05/2026 12:00

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc

I do think that this is a very odd stance.

I've raised two kids-now adults.

But a hell of a lot has been their own input & determination.

I would say that I did what I thought was right at the time with resources & information available.

I don't think that makes me by any means a fount of knowledge though & could only give advice based on what I did which could now be wrong or not applicable to someone else.

As a side note, my ILs would say that they raised their son well.

He would say that he turned out well despite them!

BlackRowan · 09/05/2026 12:05

SixtySomething · 09/05/2026 11:09

‘Do you think that maintaining those relationships would have no effect on a woman’s emotional wellbeing?’
It’s not what I think! I KNOW it made me feel unhappy and worthless.
Nevertheless, it was better to learn to look past her petty vindictive behaviour.
30 years on, I hardly think about it but I know she pla yed a huge part in my DC’s developing identity and happiness. I don’t regret it. I couldn’t have changed her. Only time did that..,

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It’s pure projection on your side.
You were forced to endure bad treatment of your MIL which made you feel worthless and unhappy and you couldn’t express your anger. So now instead you are angry at those women who do not tolerate such treatment from their MILs or from you. How dare they when you have suffered so much and did not push back.

you need some therapy to deal with it, honestly, instead of banging about how it is “misogynistic” young women are because they are telling older women to respect their own boundaries

phoenixrosehere · 09/05/2026 12:51

diddl · 09/05/2026 12:00

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc

I do think that this is a very odd stance.

I've raised two kids-now adults.

But a hell of a lot has been their own input & determination.

I would say that I did what I thought was right at the time with resources & information available.

I don't think that makes me by any means a fount of knowledge though & could only give advice based on what I did which could now be wrong or not applicable to someone else.

As a side note, my ILs would say that they raised their son well.

He would say that he turned out well despite them!

It’s a stance I see often used and always wonder what the adult kids would honestly say. Plenty I know would agree with your DH.

I think many parents of adult children say this to show and reaffirm to others and themselves on how they did as parents and I wonder if some grandparents see their adult children making different choices than them as a slight to their own when really it is just making a different choice that has nothing to do with them.

Tableforjoan · 09/05/2026 13:06

phoenixrosehere · 09/05/2026 12:51

It’s a stance I see often used and always wonder what the adult kids would honestly say. Plenty I know would agree with your DH.

I think many parents of adult children say this to show and reaffirm to others and themselves on how they did as parents and I wonder if some grandparents see their adult children making different choices than them as a slight to their own when really it is just making a different choice that has nothing to do with them.

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My sibling would say the same.

That they are who they are because they didn’t want to be like our parents. They did it to be better to make sure they were not them and never would be.

That it was their hard work through lack of parenting and actually seeing their friend’s parents parenting that gave them the determination to be who and where they are today.

They are also adamant that they will not be having children.

Ironic that they are my parents favourite but the adult child who deep down despises them.

SixtySomething · 09/05/2026 13:40

BlackRowan · 09/05/2026 12:05

It’s pure projection on your side.
You were forced to endure bad treatment of your MIL which made you feel worthless and unhappy and you couldn’t express your anger. So now instead you are angry at those women who do not tolerate such treatment from their MILs or from you. How dare they when you have suffered so much and did not push back.

you need some therapy to deal with it, honestly, instead of banging about how it is “misogynistic” young women are because they are telling older women to respect their own boundaries

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Thanks for your thoughts @BlackRowan . I like your post ‘cos it’s thoughtful and pleasant. As it happens, I don’t agree with your explanation.
In the case of my MIL , no policing of my boundaries would have helped as she was becoming increasingly mentally unwell.
I guess my focus is MH issues.
In OP’s post, I think DDIL may be suffering mentally, explaining her horrible message to OP and why OP’s DS is defensive of her nastiness.
So I emphasise with OP’s pain , being on the receiving end of MH related nastiness.
Also cannot but laugh at people ‘offended’ by the innocent suggestion that perhaps baby is cold.
You should hear what my MIL got up to!
Just look past what irritates you!

bigboykitty · 09/05/2026 13:50

SixtySomething · 09/05/2026 13:40

Thanks for your thoughts @BlackRowan . I like your post ‘cos it’s thoughtful and pleasant. As it happens, I don’t agree with your explanation.
In the case of my MIL , no policing of my boundaries would have helped as she was becoming increasingly mentally unwell.
I guess my focus is MH issues.
In OP’s post, I think DDIL may be suffering mentally, explaining her horrible message to OP and why OP’s DS is defensive of her nastiness.
So I emphasise with OP’s pain , being on the receiving end of MH related nastiness.
Also cannot but laugh at people ‘offended’ by the innocent suggestion that perhaps baby is cold.
You should hear what my MIL got up to!
Just look past what irritates you!

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That's quite the projection. There nothing here to suggest any mental health issue on DIL's part. Her boundaries are perfectly reasonable. There's no nastiness, except on the part of OP, who made a conscious decision to ignore her son and DIL's boundaries.

Mandy990 · 09/05/2026 14:01

Grandparents have no legal right to child contact, so if you want a good relationship with you grandchildren, you will need to try and build a good relationship with their parents too.
When I was a child, my gran bullied my mum dreadfully, criticising her for everything she did, saying really terrible things to her, and throwing enormous tantrums when she didn't get her own way. Her visits used to make my mum physically sick with stress. Eventually, my parents stopped allowing her to come round, and my dad just took me to her house for visits. As soon as I got old enough, I point blank refused to go, and that was that. I never saw her again, and I never wanted to. She blamed my mum for turning me against her, but mum never said a word against her to me. My opinion of her was entirely based on her own behaviour.

diddl · 09/05/2026 14:19

I wonder if some grandparents see their adult children making different choices than them as a slight to their own

Yes I think that can be the case.

Although you wonder-did they do things differently to their parents?

phoenixrosehere · 09/05/2026 14:54

diddl · 09/05/2026 14:19

I wonder if some grandparents see their adult children making different choices than them as a slight to their own

Yes I think that can be the case.

Although you wonder-did they do things differently to their parents?

Can go either way and may depend on the dynamic between parent and adult child before grandchildren entered the picture.

beeble347 · 09/05/2026 15:18

phoenixrosehere · 09/05/2026 07:35

I have never sweared at my parents or my in-laws either. Definitely thought them though.

I constantly found myself saying politely and calmly to both mother and MIL ‘thank you, I’ll keep that in mind if the way I’m doing xyz with baby doesn’t work out’ when they were around. I wasn’t struggling and baby was easy to settle.

MIL accepted it for the most part. My mother when she stayed 6 weeks after DS1 was born would nag and question me especially when it came to nursing. She told me that the WHO didn’t know anything because I planned to nurse for 2 years. She lives in America so me nursing had minimal effect on her. Her behaviour didn’t change when my sister had her baby 2 years ago and my sister lost it on her. She never nursed, only seen me do it after I already established it and was telling my sister how to nurse her newborn and that she was doing it wrong. She video called me with my sister sobbing, showing me my sister’s breasts and saying baby is not getting enough, what’s she doing wrong. My relationship with my younger sister is neutral. I was choosing my words carefully not to upset her further. Mother was also causing issue with my sister’s partner who she wasn’t keen on and the stress of that coupled with her behaviour was a major contribution towards my sister’s ppd. It definitely impacted their relationship.

I had the photo on social media issue with my dad and he used the same reasoning as OP about excitement so I didn’t send another picture to him. Still video chatted weekly with him per our routine and just continued to send pictures to my mother and MIL, both who don’t post pictures online. He asked her why he wasn’t getting any pictures and she told him that your daughter said not to post pictures of her child on social media. He stopped after that and I started sending pictures again.

Didn’t stop him from bonding with our children and he has video chatted to them every week since they’ve been born. DS1 is 11 and he prints them out so he can put them up or keep them in his wallet.

I think a lot of grandparents have a vision in their head of what they’ll do and what they’ll be like when grandchildren enter the picture. They can get so focused and wrapped up in that vision that they forget to consider their adult children and spouses, and what they need/ want especially in those early days. Then they get upset when things don’t happen the way they expected or hoped.

It’s not that different from parents having their own vision of what pregnancy, childbirth, or the early days of parenting would be like and feeling upset when reality doesn’t match what they imagined.

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Gosh I'm so sorry for you and your sister, how awful 😞 definitely I think there's a real getting carried away with excitement and expectations and not thinking about the adults in the situation.

It's funny, my MIL was joking about how her own mum went and gave my MIL's first born (my BIL) a completely unnecessary bath then took him round the neighbours to show him off, and my MIL was watching her through the window thinking what on earth is that woman doing? And now that MIL is a grandma she says she completely understands it. I'm sure I will too. But I really hope I remember what it's like to be a new mum and what help I actually wanted, when to bite my tongue as I know I'll need to. MIL is a great model for this and there were still things that rubbed me the wrong way pp but I do love her, it just took some time to settle into the new dynamic.

Also I wouldn't really want anyone watching my child who was going round calling me batshit etc as some posters have said of parents these days. Love that I can trust mine to work with me caring for my DS and that since my own mum isn't around anymore, she's the next most excited/interested in anything he does, bless her

phoenixrosehere · 09/05/2026 16:07

beeble347 · 09/05/2026 15:18

Gosh I'm so sorry for you and your sister, how awful 😞 definitely I think there's a real getting carried away with excitement and expectations and not thinking about the adults in the situation.

It's funny, my MIL was joking about how her own mum went and gave my MIL's first born (my BIL) a completely unnecessary bath then took him round the neighbours to show him off, and my MIL was watching her through the window thinking what on earth is that woman doing? And now that MIL is a grandma she says she completely understands it. I'm sure I will too. But I really hope I remember what it's like to be a new mum and what help I actually wanted, when to bite my tongue as I know I'll need to. MIL is a great model for this and there were still things that rubbed me the wrong way pp but I do love her, it just took some time to settle into the new dynamic.

Also I wouldn't really want anyone watching my child who was going round calling me batshit etc as some posters have said of parents these days. Love that I can trust mine to work with me caring for my DS and that since my own mum isn't around anymore, she's the next most excited/interested in anything he does, bless her

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Also I wouldn't really want anyone watching my child who was going round calling me batshit etc as some posters have said of parents these days.

Same. Regardless what I think, I know I’m not the parents at the end of the day and like I said upthread, I was a childcare provider for years before I had children and the families I worked for didn’t all have the same rules for their children, had different religious beliefs, and I didn’t always understand some of the rules but I still followed them (obviously barring safety hazards) because why wouldn’t I, it’s their children and they are trusting me to take care of them.

Drivingmissrangey · 09/05/2026 16:42

Ffs some people are far too sensitive and serious. My baby is a term of endearment. Oh my baby…my sweet little baby…’come to grandma my baby. It doesn’t literally mean the baby is mine.

diddl · 09/05/2026 17:38

Drivingmissrangey · 09/05/2026 16:42

Ffs some people are far too sensitive and serious. My baby is a term of endearment. Oh my baby…my sweet little baby…’come to grandma my baby. It doesn’t literally mean the baby is mine.

I think it can also depend on the relationship with the person saying it.

My mum-fine, Mil-irritating!

Dandelionsandseapinks · 09/05/2026 18:03

Your not unreasonable to feel the way you feel.
You are unreasonable to kiss their baby if theyve asked you not to, and calling their baby your baby is weird and it would get my back up too.

I wonder if they feel like you wont respect the way they want baby looking after because of this?

NotMeNorI · 09/05/2026 18:14

I'm sorry, but literally everything they're doing is very highly recommended now:

No kissing because of herpes, which can lie dormant but pass on and can literally cause brain damage in infants.

No photos because the widespread use of AI and the fact people use it to create indecent images of children. Plus a lot of parents don't like to post online until a child is old enough to consent - you can't fully remove those images once they're on there and it's not fair if a child doesn't have a choice in them being online (forever).

Babies absolutely can learn to self-soothe (to an extent). By not picking up immediately and giving comfort from a distance or after a minute, they are likely creating a better sleeping situation later on. This is recommended to parent, a lot now.

You may have raised your children to be wonderful people, but this is their child, they get to decide what happens here and how they're raised, and if you're repeatedly not respecting their boundaries then it's likely they are losing patience, despite the very nice offers of help. They are also raising a child in a completely different world with guidance flooding in from all areas - NHS, friends, families, social media etc. they have to think about obstacles and challenges that didn't even exist when you had children.

It's exhausting - they are exhausted.

BBW53 · 09/05/2026 18:52

justme39 · 08/05/2026 09:33

actually i said “i realise i have made mistakes and should not have posted him online or gave him a kiss and i am sorry if i have upset you, that was not my intention” !

i think that is sincere enough!

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“I’m sorry IF I have upset you” - it’s the if that makes this a non-apology. You know you’ve upset them but your phrasing implies that she shouldn’t be upset.
I appreciate you’re also upset by how things are being handled but you need to take a look at your behaviour (posting on Facebook after being asked not to).
However I think they are also being unreasonable to give you a litany of mistakes after your apology. You’re allowed to have your own boundaries and telling them you’re not prepared to be spoken to like that or to have to have every conversation with your son ‘overseen’ by her. You can stand up for what you believe, but things may be soured (although it sounds like they already are!)

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/05/2026 19:04

Miaminmoo · 09/05/2026 02:03

I just feel for you so much, I’ve got two children and I’d be lost without my Mum. Right from day one she has been there and they both adore her. I did have sleep schedules and certain routines which she happily followed and helped me with but I never bothered about minor details. I think people with such a tight grasp on every aspect of family involvement are missing out on the shared joy of a new addition.

and if OP hadn't gone against their wishes of no kissing and not putting baby on social media then they may not have bothered about minor details either but it has got their backs up exactly because OP has ignored their wishes in the first place.

Just like I'm sure you'd feel differently if your mum didn't happily follow sleep schedules/routines.

Drivingmissrangey · 09/05/2026 19:09

diddl · 09/05/2026 17:38

I think it can also depend on the relationship with the person saying it.

My mum-fine, Mil-irritating!

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That’s a you problem, not a MIL problem I’m afraid.

raffika · 09/05/2026 19:17

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Tableforjoan · 09/05/2026 19:21

I feel describing someone as nuttier who was diagnosed with ppd is harsh tbh. No wonder women try to hide it.

CRCGran · 09/05/2026 19:28

I fully agree that putting baby pics online was a mistake... but jesus christ, what is the problem with saying you think the baby's cold?? And a little kiss on the top of the head?? Oh my, what a shocking crime!! Or is it just a spontaneous demonstration of love?? My granddaughter is 6 years old, and I have ALWAYS referred to her as my beautiful baby girl.... and neither of her parents have the slightest objection to that. They know I'm not implying she's actually mine!! And she has always been kissed a dozen times every time I see her. And her other grandmother says and does pretty much the same. OP, do your rules apply to your parents as well as your inlaws?? Or is it just another incidence of mother in law bashing?? You know, you can have pleasant conversations with her about your parenting style without turning it into a fight.... try explaining rather than demanding, and how about bearing in mind that she actually does love the child as much as you do, even if you find that difficult to believe.