aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

YANBU in my opinion. Babies are born into a family, not owned by their parents. When I had my little girl a couple of years ago, both sets of parents visited on day 1 and held her. I have beautiful photos of them meeting that I'll cherish always. Of course they kissed her, how can you not kiss a baby (if they're family)? I'd only have expected them not to if they had a cold or a cold sore at the time. I wouldn't have wanted photos of my daughter on social media but I'd have understood it was the action of an over-excited grandmother, especially as just one photo. I didn't (still dont) love the "helpful" comments from my mum or mil about my toddler/what they think she needs but this doesn't happen often and grandparents are humans like the rest of us, we all say the wrong thing sometime with the best of intentions.

I can only imagine your DIL is (a) pathologically anxious (b) for whatever reason doesn't like/trust you or (c) is not a very nice person!

"i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining."

Times have changed though!
My biggest bug bare when I had my babies (now 4 and 2) was my MIL telling me they needed water!! The littlest one was 6 weeks old!!
Also telling me my EBF baby was hungry, and that breastmilk isn't filling enough 😡😡😡😡. Fuck off Betty youve had your turn.

Though, I have no issues with kissing, picking up when crying or photos 🥺

Absolutely is in their best interest. They’ll see my DC 5 times before they’re 2, maybe 6 times at a push. DH no longer even reads their messages

My son came through adoption and was much longed for a prayed for. He was six weeks and as soon as I could I had my mum dad and auntie uncle round to kiss and hug him. They love him more than anything and your daughter in law sounds like a fucking nightmare. My family refer to all the babies in the family as "our baby" I was honoured he got the title.

That’s your choice though and not the OP’s son and DIL’s. Was this recently though? As the risks are clearly publicized by the NHS; https://www.gloshospitals.nhs.uk/our-services/services-we-offer/maternity/after-your-baby-is-born/keeping-your-baby-safe-think-hands-and-no-kisses-thanks/ It’s not people being “controlling” or “keeping family at a distance for no reason “

They have had their turn -exactly. Water hasn’t been the advice for some time 🙄

This is excessive in my opinion - just googled and the incidence of neonatal HSV is 6-6.9/100,000 babies and that includes the ones who don't get ill from it as well as the very rare cases of those that do (HSV encephalitis)

Surely we have more pressing concerns?

How is she supposed to apologise then? If it wasn't meant badly that's just the truth? You were just waiting for OP to update so you could say whatever she did was wrong. As if it's better to say "you're right I was being a massive bitch just to make you feel terrible-I'll own it though, sorry!" because that would make the DIL feel better? There's absolutely nothing OP could say at this point that would be "sincere" in some peoples eyes.

So sorry this happened to you, almost identical story here down to the preeclampsia and SCBU

Its not going against medical advice, read my earlier post!

It doesn’t actually matter what anyone else thinks about the validity of the medical advice if the parents have decided they wish to follow it. Ditto social media posting. Or any other decision about the child’s upbringing. If that’s what they have decided, it should be respected, It’s as simple as that. It’s surely not massively surprising they feel hurt that their wishes were ignored

So, from your post I’m getting, “Treat your new grandchild like a total stranger’s baby. Possibly one in witness protection.” OP should respect boundaries, but I hope as time goes on and the family settles in they won’t be quite as uptight. And OP should give them space and be less defensive. Hopefully, things will work out.

So first of all, older women have been told on this thread that we must 'do as we are told' by younger women. Now @SerafinasGoose says us oldies must 'defer' to younger women.

It seriously is worrying. My generation fought against men who wanted to put us in our place. Now there's a new enemy , apparently, younger women who want to put us in our place and keep us there.

We stood up for ourselves then and we will do so again.

I just feel for you so much, I’ve got two children and I’d be lost without my Mum. Right from day one she has been there and they both adore her. I did have sleep schedules and certain routines which she happily followed and helped me with but I never bothered about minor details. I think people with such a tight grasp on every aspect of family involvement are missing out on the shared joy of a new addition.

I am sorry if I have upset you is unfortunate phrasing. Gently, your daughter in law is clearly upset. I have multiple people in my family who phrase it similarly, and it sounds dismissive, not apologetic at all. Phrasing it as "I am sorry, I did xyz and it was wrong" is far better. What you said stopped being an apology when you said you were sorry if she is upset.

There will be history, there's another side to the story but the new parents probably want to be left alone unless they need someone. If new mums tend to want anybody else it's usually their own mum, a sister or friend because that's the norm. If DH needs someone he'll ask them but a couple primarily just need each other. Not every couple with a newborn is the same though and if there's history with any family members the arrival of a new baby will bring it out. It's text book.

The most important people are the parents and the baby. The parents are responsible for their baby and they make decisions about 'their family'. If they need any help they'll ask, otherwise leave them alone. There's nothing worse than intruding and trying to force your way in - wait to be asked.

Think about your relationship with the parents before the baby arrived, you've just gone a step down in the pecking order and you have to get used to it.

Jesus that's funny 😂

I think Panorama should make a documentary about new age women who value their independence vs MIL who knows better.

Grandparents were always expected to know their place. My mother had me in the 70s and her horrible MIL (who sounds a lot like you) was overbearing, interfering and tried to claim victimhood too when my older brother was young. It ruined their relationship, by the time I came along a few years later (8 years actually she had a couple of miscarriages between him and me and my younger brother, poor thing) my mum had learned to keep my grandmother well and truly at arms length.

My brother had been allowed to stay over and even go on holidays with my gran and grandpa, but because her MIL behaved in such a bullying, inappropriate and entitled way that was all stopped.

Like you, my gran used to pretend my older brother was hers and refer to him as "my baby". Like you, she tried to usurp parental rights over medical issues and other day to day things. Like you, she refused to listen to clear and fair boundaries and tried to centre herself as equally important, or more important, than the baby's mother.

I didn't find out any of this till I was in my late teens.

You have no power at all in this situation, so mind your manners and do what the mother wants you to, or you will - like my gran - have all privileges revoked and will get to visit her child a couple of times a month.

Fortunately, your son sees through you and is doing the right thing by his wife.

So, this is your choice - either stop moaning, stop gossiping, stop trying to override the mother and father's wishes or be relegated to the back burner forever.

And they won't give a flying fart in a windstorm if you don't want to babysit as an attempt at revenge, despite that being a fantasy so many overbearing mils on this site seem to have 😅Women who care about their babies to the extent that your dil does don't hand them over to people who refuse to follow their guidelines.

I think having blanket rules such as handwashing, no kissing, no photos on social media is a good idea.

Much better than having to single out individual relatives who are less than hygiene conscious or privacy minded on SM.

For goodness sake. Younger women aren’t trying to control you. They are trying to put their baby first.

Nobody is saying defer to younger women, they are saying defer to the baby’s parents, who just happen to be younger.

Every “boundary” I have to discuss with my parents (namely no social media, no screens, no sugar) is because giving the baby these things would bring THEM joy, and do harm to the baby. Some people, including OP, need to consider whether their actions are for themselves or the baby they claim to love so much.

I was speaking to my own grandmother recently, so baby’s great-grandmother. She is nearly 100 and has 7 great grandchildren so mine isn’t even that interesting to her! 🤣 But she is my parents’ first grandchild.

My grandmother said, “it’s a funny thing becoming a grandparent. It does something to people. They loose their minds a little because they haven’t had a baby to dote on for so long.” And she’s right, my parents, in the best way possible, have lost their minds. They are obsessed with their granddaughter and it’s lovely but quite out of character! OP may be experiencing the same kind of euphoria.

I have never sweared at my parents or my in-laws either. Definitely thought them though.

I constantly found myself saying politely and calmly to both mother and MIL ‘thank you, I’ll keep that in mind if the way I’m doing xyz with baby doesn’t work out’ when they were around. I wasn’t struggling and baby was easy to settle.

MIL accepted it for the most part. My mother when she stayed 6 weeks after DS1 was born would nag and question me especially when it came to nursing. She told me that the WHO didn’t know anything because I planned to nurse for 2 years. She lives in America so me nursing had minimal effect on her. Her behaviour didn’t change when my sister had her baby 2 years ago and my sister lost it on her. She never nursed, only seen me do it after I already established it and was telling my sister how to nurse her newborn and that she was doing it wrong. She video called me with my sister sobbing, showing me my sister’s breasts and saying baby is not getting enough, what’s she doing wrong. My relationship with my younger sister is neutral. I was choosing my words carefully not to upset her further. Mother was also causing issue with my sister’s partner who she wasn’t keen on and the stress of that coupled with her behaviour was a major contribution towards my sister’s ppd. It definitely impacted their relationship.

I had the photo on social media issue with my dad and he used the same reasoning as OP about excitement so I didn’t send another picture to him. Still video chatted weekly with him per our routine and just continued to send pictures to my mother and MIL, both who don’t post pictures online. He asked her why he wasn’t getting any pictures and she told him that your daughter said not to post pictures of her child on social media. He stopped after that and I started sending pictures again.

Didn’t stop him from bonding with our children and he has video chatted to them every week since they’ve been born. DS1 is 11 and he prints them out so he can put them up or keep them in his wallet.

I think a lot of grandparents have a vision in their head of what they’ll do and what they’ll be like when grandchildren enter the picture. They can get so focused and wrapped up in that vision that they forget to consider their adult children and spouses, and what they need/ want especially in those early days. Then they get upset when things don’t happen the way they expected or hoped.

It’s not that different from parents having their own vision of what pregnancy, childbirth, or the early days of parenting would be like and feeling upset when reality doesn’t match what they imagined.

What? 😂

It’s respecting the parents wishes and boundaries for their baby. You no doubt expected your children to adhere to your rules when they were growing up, but you can’t follow respect basic boundaries when it comes to their children. When it’s your house your rules, it’s fine right? But when parents of a new baby are asking you to not kiss their baby or post them on social media, you’re being controlled?

Drop the victim complex.

My MIL ignored all of my boundaries, and played the victim when DH talked to her about it. She got angry once, and told us that she had brought her up children without car seats, and they were all still alive!
When her mother, DH’s nana, died we found lots of hand written letters amongst her papers. My MIL had written lengthy instructions and rules for any time her mum looked after her children - pages and pages!

Nooo, absolutely do not 'pull him to one side'!!! You just have to go with their wishes, however much you disagree and hurt you might feel, and never mention that he looks cold or whatever else you may think, it comes across as criticism and you'll end up the loser.