aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

It’s not easy though is it. The cost of nursery would outweigh the wages

Depends on how much you earn.

The problem is that we only have your version of events which, if true, sounds like they are being OTT.

However, it is possible there is more going on here and that your DIL doesn’t really like you that much. Why? Be honest with yourself and really think about that. Little habits over time have a way of seriously pissing people off.

I would take a massive step back and see how things pan out. Slowly & softly may be the best approach here. Otherwise it could be a major case of FAFO and you’re left out in the cold.

I genuinely cannot think of a single friend or even school mum right now I talk to that has regular even one day a week childcare let alone full weeks to be able to work currently.

In the past I know one person and that wasn’t because of money it was because grannies asked too. The mum worked in a nursery so got discounted rates.

Everyone seems to either just pay for nursery or work around their parents work to minimise nursery. Also sahms and work from home mums for those that are school aged to do school runs. Compressed hours.

It was often said to me that I’d my mind about family members overstepping when I ‘needed’ childcare.
It’s so weird to me to think that I’d suddenly leave a toddler or small child with someone I didn’t feel took care of them properly? Yes I needed childcare but I’d rather pay for it than leave my kids with people who didn’t follow our family rules

True, but my point is that on an average or low wage the cost of nursery would take all the wages. Correct me if I’m wrong but I thought nursery was about £1000 + a month?

Universal credit will help with childcare costs if you don’t earn too much and obviously the free hours everyone gets as well.

Well don’t complain when you feel Grandparents are not interested in baby. It’s a 2 way thing, on both sides

No, it’s just parents being the parent!

Honestly, my brother and his wife have had their baby on a different continent from both families and it does seem to have worked wonders. They’ve had to find their own way, seek their own information and do it the way they think best.

Not be bombarded by different points of view from all sides!

OP, are you normally quite a bossy person? I ask because my DM is, but she is sufficiently self-aware to recognise it, and therefore tries to curb it as much as she can. She admits that she always thinks she knows the best way to do things and we'd all be far better off if we just took her advice and did as she says. It's almost a family joke, especially as the rest of us are somewhat demand-avoidant and prefer doing our own thing without being told. She is, to be fair, a lot more competent than the rest of us.

It's very entertaining listening to my DM playing with my toddler. I usually try to escape playing with my kids as much as possible, but when I'm cornered, I play with them in a very hands-off way, following their lead and letting them do whatever they want and lead the game. Whereas my DM prefers a structure and has an idea of the 'right' way that the game should be played, and so she ends up in a battle of wills with the toddler until she realises what is happening, laughs at herself and gives in. It's very funny listening to her argue with a 3yo over why the fairy shouldn't live in the fire truck.

i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing - This is exactly the sort of thing my mother would think but fortunately would not say.

Is this your first grandchild? If so, I'm assuming you're not yet familiar with the delights of Peppa Pig? I recommend to you the episode where Peppa is trying to teach George how to draw a flower and tells him "You're doing it all wrong!" but it turns out George doesn't want to draw a flower after all, he wants to draw a dinosaur.

Your son and DIL don't want "advice" or suggestions. They want to parent their child in their own way, and they're currently figuring out what that looks like. They'll work out the routines that work for them in time, and that will be a lot less stressful than someone wading in and imposing their own views about parenting on them. I am forever grateful to my mother for biting her tongue when I was struggling with a newborn baby, even though I knew it was hard for her, and doing it my way.

Really? That's more than anyone I know! Maybe area dependent? My lovely MIL has our DS once a week for the timebeing, when I went back to work 3 days a week term time only, his nursery only has 3 specific days available and work would only timetable me for 3 specific days (one of which was when nursery didn't have a place yet). We signed him up for one day a week to cover that day but I convinced DH to ask MIL if she'd like to have him as we thought she'd at least like to be asked, even if it wasn't practical.

She loves it and her and DS have such a sweet bond now! But I do think even that one day is a lot for ILs, though they insist it's no trouble. When he gets a place for that third day, we have said we'll put him into it but I'll still make sure DS and MIL have a bit of alone time every week as they love it, maybe just a morning or whatever is easier for her, but without the grind of a full day. Even though I'd miss him 🥲

I do find there are attitudes on both sides that are unnecessarily sulky or aggressive. I would never swear at or near my MIL. That's why that paternal grandmother dynamic is trickier to manage postpartum, you don't have that experience of conflict and repair that you have with your own mum so it's a lot of extra energy trying to be polite and respectful and understanding of Grandma's wishes while also trying to protect your baby (my best friend's dad has had coldsores since being kissed on the face as a newborn) and stand up for the things important to you.

For me the big ones were keeping my child offline and breastfeeding. I had a lot of family pressure to stop and consider the bottle even though neither me nor DS had any issues with it! He was a little chubster. Obv people (MIL and sometimes DH) thinking it was the right thing but I really struggled with it.

Secondly I wouldn't leave my child with anyone I knew would deliberately disregard things that were important to me and/or concerned DS's safety. Yes he keeps being napped at weird times on MIL days but it's not the end of the world and he's well looked after even if he ends up upset and overtired by bedtime - we're working on how to communicate better about this! But this GP attitude of let me do anything I want or I won't see or love grandchild... Okay then? Also aren't GP allowed right to refuse to do childcare under any circumstances? Totally unreasonable for parents to expect or demand it and same goes for GPs expecting or demanding alone time or not to follow parents' rules. GPs and parents should be a team! If my MIL makes a rule for my son at her house that's different than what I allow him to do, I back her immediately no questions.

Put simply, this is because the baby has two parents. And you are not one of them. It's therefore necessary - if you value harmonious family relationships - to defer to those who are. Your sex has nothing to do with it.

I remember I had just gone through a 36 hour labour with preeclampsia and then a forceps delivery with stitches with my first baby. I was completely exhausted and traumatised in a wheelchair on a drip with a catheter in and I remember my MIL charging into the hospital room saying ‘Where’s my baby- show me my baby’
I don’t understand the desire to try and lay claim to a newborn when the new mum is totally exhausted, hormonal and overwhelmed. She carried on saying it for months everytime I saw her. It’s not whether it’s wrong or right it’s just unnecessary. It made her seem totally disinterested in me and it just made my family who had been desperately worried about me and the baby during delivery think that she was a complete cow.
She then after leaving the hospital posted pictures on social media of my baby in the special care unit on a drip having been asked not to. This was before I had even got home from the hospital and sent out my own picture to family and friends. I wanted to send a photo out without my baby covered in wires and tubes because it was scary and upsetting but the photo was already out there.
I think you should have a right as a new parent to chose images of your new baby to send out .
I cannot believe she was unaware of how insensitive this was so I basically assumed she just didn’t really care how she made me feel.
Honestly if you read the underlying agenda of most grandmothers complaining about their DILs post partum there is very little if any focus on how they might be making her feel and all about what they as grandmothers want or expect or have the right to say.

And see their adult child struggle! Why would we do that, they are our family and we would do anything to make sure they keep a roof over their heads, buy food or pay bills.

Wow! How self indulgent

Sorry you chose to interpret it that way.

Conversely, how very obviously straightforward.

I read your updates OP. I don’t know what the solution is but just wanted to say I hope this works out.

Grandparents helping out is a complete fantasy to me. DH and I never had had any help from just coming over to holding the baby for 30 minutes while I put the laundry or dash to the shops. DC is now almost 4 and it’s a long time to be tag teaming between DH and I, while grandparents live it up in retirement. We have never said anything, smile and bring DC for a visit, while supervising as they don’t try to interact with DC too much.

It is the briefest of attention to DC then hand them straight back and sit back and sip coffee and gossip about other things. Their job as ‘loving grandparents’ is done. And this is not just mine, this is also DH’s. So strange we got landed with this cold, distant kind of grand-parenting, plain bad luck really.

Jesus. Name change, OP? That's about as tone deaf as the "apology" text

Your son and DIL are having strict boundaries with you because you can’t even stick to basic ones like not posting on social media. Trust and respect are earned and you are not endearing yourself.

I had some sympathy with you until you shared you had posted on Facebook. That was unacceptable.

What your generation don’t understand is the constant bombardment new parents are getting of horror and scare stories from social media. I started looking up weaning content and got a video about Annabel Karmel’s daughter dying from being kissed by someone with a cold sore. I just wanted to know how to serve mange tout! Because shocking videos are promoted by the algorithm, basically searching any baby content floods your feed with horror stories. Combine this with the hormonal shift both parents are going through, they will come up with some kooky rules but as your son’s mother you should support them by respecting them until they are able to loosen up. If you keep crossing their boundaries, you will feed the anxiety and the boundaries will get kookier and firmer.

Op if you want a really good relationship with your grandchild and their parents, you are going to have to become a bit less self absorbed, and start respecting the boundaries and wishes of the parents. For one thing the posting a photo online when you had specifically been asked not to was really inappropriate. There are very good reasons why many people don't want to post photos of their children online.

Patronising much? It wasn’t really open to interpretation and you quoted me so clearly aimed at me. If you’re going to be rude at least own it after 😆

@BashfulClam what gets me is my in laws seems to be germ phobic obsessed with cleaning and stuff and yet both separately got in my babies and toddlers faces when ill. Sore throats ,virus ...severe cold etc straight in kissing hugging without a care in the world but woe betide you if a crumb is out of place in their house

It’s a double standard isn’t it?