aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

I don't know anyone who's family doesn't assist in childcare...

Ignore her OP. I know that is horribly hard but your son has picked a fine one!

Families are meant to grow and develop together, go through ups and downs and accept that it isn't always like following a list of instructions. Like happened in your generation. People didn't create lists of rules, 'boundaries' was something you seek about to work out where your garden ended and where you neighbour's began and young women were not pandered to for their controlling hysteria.

Do HER no favours. Have a relationship with your son when he finds his testicles. Put money in trust for your grandchild.
I would never treat my mother or MIL the way you have been treated. They don't always get it right, but then nor do I.

Weird, I know loads. Me and all my friends for starters!

At which point was i rude ?

I agree. The amount of over 60s i see pushing prams is incredible. Every single Grandparent i know does childcare at least twice a week. I even knew one 80 year old doing childcare for her Grandchild and looking after her Great grandchild.

“Misogyny”?! Because younger women dont allow their MILs to do whatever they want with their children?? Are you high?!

I think we need a new word for a specific type of older woman who thinks she knows it all and should be able to dictate how other women parent. If you want to talk perversion - it seems a lot of older women get off on trying to dominate and control younger women at their most vulnerable in the post partum period and try to rope their sons into doing so too. A lot of the time it’s actually abusive.

And if you stop the pity party, it’s usually the grandfathers on both sides who are also required to do as they’re told. But that doesn’t fit your victimhood narrative.

“Have a relationship with your son when he finds his testicles.”

I see you have internalised sexism issues. What about the strong possibility that the son actually agrees with his wife and is personally annoyed that his mum posted a picture because HE didn’t want her to?

They are free to say no.

I’m so sorry OP. In your place I would be so so upset. You sound like a normal grandma tbh just wanting a kiss and cuddle with baby, and chipping with some advice that they maybe don’t appreciate, but can easily ignore. Your DIL sounds really uptight. I don’t see what you can do but back off and hope they will lighten up over time. I hope you have other DC.

This post drips with misogyny.

Op’s son also doesn’t want his mum kissing his newborn or posting photos of him on social media but let’s just blame the woman in this scenario!

Interesting use of the word “hysteria” there too. Of course op’s son needs to “find his testicles” by doing exactly what his mother wants! 😂

Yes Op do HER no favours - because looking after your grandchild is definitely only a favour to your dil and not also to your son. And then wonder why you end up nc with them a year from now. If you want to weaponise support and childcare go for it, just don’t be surprised if it bites you in the arse and they are relieved not to have you involved and stay away when you need elder care. FFS the advice on the site is the absolute pits sometimes……

Take your version of a fight against misogyny somewhere else. If you are fed up from being told what to do, then Maybe to your husband, your boss, your dad or general society. If you are offended that someone else dares to assert a boundary when you never dared to, it’s a YOU problem

Tramping over the boundaries of ANOTHER WOMAN is not a fight against misogyny or patriarchy.

just because you are an older woman you don’t get a pass to do that

I suspect you're a nightmare grandmother who gives unsolicited advice with a back handed dig, wants to take over the role of mother tending to 'her baby' and kissing 'her baby''. You are right you did raise 3 children they were your children, this is not your child, you have no rights to this child. You updates are clear you have likely been a nightmare and spoilt this time with this young mum and her baby.

I remember my ex's mother being like this was awful, my mil was far more respectful and caring, supporting us as parents without being over bearing. How dare you go agaisn't the parents wishes and post a photo of their child on social media. You think you have some ownership because you are related this is your sons and dils baby not yours.

When you clearly implied I’m not sane and I’m up my own arse for having a view different to yours.

Do you live in Royston Vasey?

It does sound that you would genuinely like to help, and I can imagine it’s upsetting that your efforts to this end aren’t being welcomed, and that you aren’t as involved with your grandchild as you like.

however I also think you have to accept responsibility for the situation you have found yourself in. Not, “sorry if” not “I know these are the rules but” … but genuinely reflect on the fact you’ve overstepped, and then apologise properly. You have seriously broken the trust with your son and dil, and you will need to put the work in to rectify things. Stop turning yourself into the victim and the wounded party and own your behaviour.

Their reasons for refusing your offers to help, suggest that some of your comments and observations might be inadvertently coming across as criticism. You might not think it is, but now that you’ve been told this is the case, it is also something you need to reflect on without being defensive.

whether you feel like any of this is warranted or not, you have to accept that you are not the one who has just had a baby, you are most likely getting a lot more sleep than anyone in that house, and none of this is really about you. It is the easiest thing in the world to blame other people for a misunderstanding or disagreement, but if you would like to rebuild the relationship with your son and his family, I think you are going to have to focus on them rather than yourself

But the new normal is completely different from 15-25 years ago, isn't it @Hellohelga?

As with any generation, advice is updated.

It does not mean that this generation (in the main) of Mums & Dads are being deliberately obstructive.

Fortunately, they are are more assertive with their preferences.

In the past (even recently), young parents were expected to "accede" to their elders!!

Are the grandparents wishes more esteemed/important to those of a child's parents? Surely not!

This is like weddings. The couple get to plan and pay for their own these days.

No controlling older adult making demands because their parent and their parent and their parent before them planned it and paid for it all.

Now couples plan and pay their weddings. Now couples set the rules and boundaries on their babies.

The times of well my mother/mother in law. So now it’s my turn like it’s owed. Nope.

Misogyny? Really?!

Adhering to someone’s basic boundaries around their choices for their child isn’t misogyny. It’s called basic human decency. ‘Don’t post my child on social media’ is not a new mother trying to control an old woman.

So a new mother has to bow down to what an old woman wants? Is that what you’re implying? Otherwise she’s trying to control her.

Really weird and unhealthy approach to relationships.

Personally I prefer the middle way of mutual respect.

Respect is earned not a right.

Exactly, but now she have people calling her son and dil nutcases...so result...

That’s something I would disagree with. I think it’s right to respect everyone’s feelings and rights, particularly family members and anyone disadvantaged.
That’s why I’ve done so many posts on this thread. I do dislike to see people disrespected and bullied and will always take a stand against such things.

Early postpartum isn’t about everyone else’s feelings. How a mother and father are choosing to raise their children and put boundaries in place because they know certain people will overstep. There are no rights to someone else’s child, grandparent or not.

There’s some real nasty vindictive replies on here! Wow! You were just doing natural proud Nanny behaviour. Ridiculous that they’ve blown this up out of your apology to be all about them. I feel sorry for you x

No not really. Most young families nowadays have mortgages and rely on us oldies to child mind. I definitely wouldn’t say no to my children if they asked for help, and they do!