aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

leave them to it, OP! Time to invest your time, energy and money on yourself. Spoil yourself! 🥂
@justme39

OP, I have only read your replies, so I don't know if anyone else has picked up on this.

Your line "I’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc" proves nothing.

Having a good job and a house doesn't necessarily mean you've been raised perfectly well and isn't the be all and end all of everything. You are also supposed to raise children to be healthy (mentally and physically) happy, with good morals, judgements, able to have functional relationships and good decision making skills etc etc.. There are people with crap jobs who rent their homes that have been raised 100x better than people with these things, and vice versa.

IMO, it says a lot that you jump to those things as the ultimate end goal in raising children. Sorry, but it does. It's what stood out to me.

So it's possible DS doesn't see your parenting as perfect (having been recipient of it) and he's concerned, and you pushing boundaries (which you have, you admitted you were TOLD not to put up pictures on social media and you did it anyway)has concerned him and DIL and they are worried that a parenting style not compatible with their own is going to be pushed onto them.

And even if you were the absolute perfect parent, you were a parent to YOUR kids. This is THEIR kid. And they are perfectly entitled to impose rules. You should absolutely know your place.

Sorry.

This is what jumped out at me too. I'd bet that the son has had problems with the OP for a while whether she realises it or not and it's come to a head now he's had a baby. Having a child makes you look at your own childhood differently and want to protect them from going through the same things you did.

Only another 14 years lol.

1. There is such thing as hacking
2. no one knows if a grandparent has her settings as friends or public and noone wants to police that
3. you might be shocked but there are pedophiles among us so they could even be among friends

aside from that, mere uploading of photos into Facebook gives Facebook rights to use the photos in its own way (per their T&Cs) - they have a right to use all content uploaded onto the platform. And a lot of people are not ok with that, even without SA angle

Indeed.
Hopefully they won't be asking her for childcare to facilitate going back to work or anything....

I was totally unprepared for the rush of emotion, and yes, love, when I met my first grandchild. It was akin to the way I felt when I gave birth to her mother.

It's instinctive and primal. This is the new addition, the new generation of our family tribe, and we're conditioned to feel that way, in a similar way that the parents are.

I didn't expect to feel that way. I'm quite buttoned up in a lot of ways, and not very sentimental. But nature kicked in.

Oh, yes, DO BETTER, op! Showing love and concern for your DIL and being enthusiastic about the baby is so evil of you!

Honestly, how patronising.

I don't think a baby pic on FB from a loving grandmother is the worst thing in the world, I really don't. It's highly unlikely a dodgy person will find it, and impossible if the photo isn't set to Public.

OP, having this baby has clearly sent the two of them temporarily nuts. I think you'd better just back off for the next few months and let them come to you.

Reading this, you only have yourself to blame. You may think you were being helpful, but it does sound like criticisms to a new parent.

And posting on Facebook after being told not to, then you should not be remotely surprised they are annoyed at you.

Most parents I know haven’t used grandparents to facilitate going to work.

Not sure it’s the big gotcha people think it is. A lot of parents don’t want it as it causes issues with boundaries.

What you think is ok is irrelevant though. It’s what the parents think. And no one knows the OPs privacy settings- whether they are public, friends, or friends of friends.

If the OP has friends of friends as her setting and most people have on average 300 friends that opens the audience up to 90,000 people. Taking into account overlap that could still be 20k. So even though it isn’t public that is still a massive amount of people that you don’t know or trust.

Really? Is that your sole contribution? Such eloquence!

I’ve just become a grandmother and some of the rules you mention my son and his girlfriend have. My opinion is that it’s their child and their rules. If my opinion is asked for I will give it, there’s nothing worse than ‘in my day we did ….’ As for posting a photo, totally out of order. I’ve shared one picture that they posted. I have photos I’ve taken but I wouldn’t dream of sharing them.

I wouldn't dream of making photos anything but Friends only. But as you say, we don't know OP's settings.

Interesting . Not something I experienced. Nor with my own babies immediately

Seems to be big thing on here.
And certainly in the wider world, what with childcare expenses being what they are.
Just making a point... of course they have the right to set their 'rules'.
And of course GM would be perfectly within her rights to to decline childcare should she wish....

FFs. My Granddaughter is often called "my baby girl" the baby bit isn't about her being my baby but the fact she is a baby ! And if we want to be biological, i carried the egg that became my lovely Granddaughter as i carried her mother so in theory i "birthed" ( another loony term) my Granddaughter first. So yes she is my baby, my bubba, my Princess and anything else i want to call her. By the way her mother is normal, sane and from this planet and not up her own arse.

You only let them see their grandchildren 3-4 times a year because they shared photos? God, how mean. And not in your children's best interests, either.

Interesting you use capitals for mine but not for dh. I wonder if your DH ever felt he wasn't an equal parent to YOUR baby?

Yes well I’m “normal and sane” too. Life would be boring if we were all the same though hey. At least I’m not rude 🤷🏻‍♀️

🥱 again on the way I wrote that one section.

Why would I need to put dh’s name in caps pedantry at its best to try and pick a point.

Though if they ever don’t listen to him, he certainly tells me to go sort my children so yeah maybe they are more mine than his 🤣🤣 Though can bet your ass when they have done something amazing they are HIS 🙃🤣

Guess we are equal parents.

Still his and mine.
Mine and his.
Not mils or my mother’s though.

Very nasty!

Why is it that us older women have to ‘do as we’re told’?

The mind boggles. I think we need a word for younger women who expect absolute obedience from older women. It’s kind of perverted really.

A new version of of misogyny?

You’ll be amazed to hear that many people these days go back to work without the help of grandparents.

What the fuck gives you the right to tell someone else how to parent their child?

Their child, their rules.

Shouldn't need saying, but if you were too gutless to tell your parents/PILs to let you parent your child, you don't get a do-over with your grandchildren. You had your opportunity, let them have theirs.

It’s not misogyny to say if you want to spend time with my kids, you follow my rules.