aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

Well you wouldn't miss them if the parents went NC as they'd be er been part of your life

I have a brother I haven't seen since he was 5. Do I miss him. Well no he's not been part of my life

Well then your point that I originally replied to is irrelevant!

This is why I’m not surprised why more and more grandparents don’t want to offer any childcare.

I don’t know. Go on gransnet and ask in the estranged forum if they miss their children and grandchildren.

Id hazard that most do to some extent.

The person cutting off tends not to and obviously babies who will have no knowledge of that person ever even existing won’t. Most likely would assume granny/grandad was dead if parents had been nc from near birth.

Op needs to listen to her son if she doesn’t want to become a cut of granny who only has the memories of her 4 month old grandson.

Wishing that they had a relationship unless she genuinely doesn’t care and is happy for that to happen. Who knows.

Yabu to extrapolate your situation to ‘all grandparents’ 🙄🙄. This is a situation between you and your son and his wife.

your apology reads like a non-apology and your veiled threat to not help out if they need you in the future is pretty poor form.

I'm in my 60s and not a grand parent yet, But you sound very overbearing, Each generation does things differently and you should respect that. For the photo thing you were totally in the wrong and over the top.

Why would I need to go there? I don't miss my GC when I don't see them I have 5 of them . 2 I see fairly regularly the other 3 rarely

Well that’s fair enough then if you don’t miss having a relationship with them.

I do know because she literally said she did!

Did you not read her posts?

yes i was told not to post baby online and i did which i know was wrong now however i was just excited to show him off as he is my first grandchild.

Using not my intent when you knowingly did something you were told not to makes little sense and does not come off as sincere. She didn’t make a mistake on accident, that is the difference.

She knew she wasn’t supposed to and did it anyway out of “excitement”.

Once again, it was not a rant and you calling it one because you disagree doesn’t make it one. I’m not going off only my personal experience, I’m going off the many forums on social media who discuss this issue, perhaps you should go have a look at the boards about new grandparents and the ones from new mums and new parents struggling with them.

If I do become a grandmother (I don’t care either way, it’s about if my children actually want to be parents or not ), I can see outside myself and respect the parents’ wishes like I have done for the many families I worked for because I know I’m not the parent.

It really isn’t that hard to respect boundaries.

You've massively overstepped and gone against the parent's wishes. I would be furious if anyone put my child online after being told not to. "My baby" is weird too.

I think this is classic case of you reap what you sow.

Well no I don't You can't really build a relationship with kids you see maybe once or twice a year

I know some grandparents would argue against that but your feelings are your feelings perfectly valid.

Much like the dil and sons feelings of wanting their wishes respected by op.

Sensible lad.

How unkind and mean to say that you won’t help your MIL, now she is old, lonely and frail.

Shame on her son !!

There can be a lot of jealousy and possessiveness when new babies are born.
Especially, the first grandchild.

The rule is not to interfere, unless your opinion is asked for.

Maternal grandmothers often get a better deal than paternal grandmothers.

Well if you live abroad. You have facetime etc. my neighbours grandchildren are in Australia. But they do keep in touch weekly. Granny visits one year for a month, does the school runs a lot of the care, gives the parents a break. The following year they come to her. Leave the grandkids with her and visit relatives, have a vacation in the UK.

Yes, I completely agree. I have the same rule for DD and my parents have always followed it. OP should’ve followed their wishes.

But you know what, shit happens. She made a bad call, it was called out, and presumably was put right. End of story really isn’t it?

Lol I cant hear to do FaceTime.

And one of them is only a year old

I can't visit for a month, some of us have work to do you know.

Yep.
Hopefully Grandmother will remember she can't be trusted when she's called upon for childcare...

What you really must understand @justme39 it is not personal, even although it sure as hell feels like it, for most.

This is not about you, at all, it's about how your son and DiL want to manage the upbringing of their child.

Many will say it's ridiculous, the rules are excessive, how dare they etc. but if you love and respect your son and by extrapolation your DiL, you really should suppress your own ego and comply with their wishes.

Do you want to be happy with your family or do you need to be right?

Ah my neighbour retired at 60. 30 years pension with NHS . Her DH was very poorly at the time. Luckily he rallied not cleared for overseas travel so she's flown alone since.

You'll have to wait for retirement.

I mean dils just told her she doesn’t trust her and her sons asked her to give them space.

Currently not a chance in hell of op being asked to baby sit 🤣

Every cloud and all that…..

I agree with everything here. OP’s wishes or expectations do not trump the mothers’s - she’s just given birth for goodness sake and as well as physically recovering and navigating life with a newborn , she also now has the worry of photos being posted and fair requests being ignored. What an absolute nightmare for them at what is meant to be a special time. There is a right way of offering support, help and comfort while still respecting the new parents.

The apology doesn’t really come across like you’ve really understood - once you reflect you may be able to see how your actions could have caused someone some upset. For example they clearly asked for no kisses or online photos. Whether or not you agree with this, the fact that simple instructions couldn’t be followed does of course then lead to a feeling of lack of trust.

Maybe I'm not tech-savvy, but if the post isn't set to Public, how would these people even access the picture? Wouldn't it be just for Friends to see?