aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

Do you need it spelling out?
do you not understand that there are pedophiles out there who are interested in in photos of babies?

It’s not just about kids images being used in awful ways. Some people just don’t want their children plastered on FB because those kids can’t consent to it. I know a few people who won’t post their children on any social media. They say it’s up the kids when they are older if they want to be on FB. They share photos through WhatsApp groups and shared iPhone libraries with family instead.
Not everyone lives their lives through SM and posts everything that happens.

You have no business patronising me. It’s all part of the mindset.

I wasn’t telling you what your post meant.

IMO you’ve taken your feelings/ observations about the fourth trimester, added your assumption that people forget about it ( I certainly haven’t!), then made some wild and hurtful assumptions about the OP, ending up in character assassination of someone who’s already made it clear she’s feeling devastated.

That’s why I call it a rant. The fact other people are doing it too, dressed up as ‘advice’ doesn’t excuse it but make it worse.

I agree with the poster who says the people doing it should be ashamed of themselves.

I’m not sure op was ‘instructed’ on social media etiquette of not posting photos of children.
If this is what being a grandparent is like I’m glad I’m not likely to be one. The parents seem determined to be increasingly offended. In a year or so they will be bleating on mumsnet that PsIL never help out.

The OP says “yes i was told not to post baby online and i did which i know was wrong now however i was just excited to show him off as he is my first grandchild.”

Dad also beneficially influences baby through frequent skin to skin touch, by transferring beneficial microbes. Both parents have a significant impact on baby’s immune system in the first year primarily through their intimate contact with baby, and through breastfeeding if chosen.

Unfortunately Granny (and other visitors) is more likely to pass on the dangerous kind of microbes via the saliva on her lips, because the majority of illness is transferred through bodily fluids, which usually don’t reside on the body skin.

HTH. You seem very invested in this.

All this has been a thing for 20 years at least - I remember the self soothing method but back then it was called controlled crying - they learn to self soothe, it works by the way.

It might help any grandparent to read up about how parenting works today etc instead of assuming that how things were done back in their day is still the norm - it isn't. New parents need to learn how to parent rather than relying on grandparents and the best way to do that is together.

Years ago the husband was excluded from the birth and grandma's stepped in to cluck around with everything else - realistically the father became an observer and didn't have a role so he never felt part of it or learned anything. A new father needs to be involved from the get go so they can both swop roles and learn together how to be parents to their child.

My ex didn't want to learn, didn't want to do the caring so he thought he'd let his mother step in - he even asked if his mother could be my birthing partner - I was horrified and said no way. I should have seen the signs, I did but I didn't realise what they meant or why we weren't getting along - he was trying to subcontract, sat back & left me to it because I wouldn't let his mum be my 'husband'.

Please point out how I was patronising to you.

I know what I wrote and what I meant. I said many, not all. It is not my fault that you chose to decide what I meant and assumed I meant you.

You decided to tell a stranger what they meant by their own typed words which by definition makes you patronising.

OP’s apology regardless of her intent didn’t come off as sincere considering she knowingly overstepped and put her wants above that of the parents and said ‘not my intent’ which does make it sound insincere.

You’ve overstepped and played the victim.

Your dil is right and your son agrees with her.

Your apology wasn’t an apology it was a sorry you feel that way. You are right you would have been better of saying nothing that doing that.

Just respect what your son has told you now and give them space.

My baby has just got out of NICU and they had very serious infection prevention measures. Only mom and dad were allowed to touch the baby and siblings. No one else was allowed to so much as stroke their foot. A grandparent was kicking off and asking why they can't touch the baby and the nurses explained that it's because anyone in the same household will be exposed to the same germs etc so there is no need or point to limiting it but anyone outside the house may have different germs or viruses that the parent hasn't been exposed to so it is just introducing a new risk unnecessarily. They also explained they have to balance the benefits to both baby and parent of parents bonding with their baby and all the benefits of skin to skin etc. to help regulate newborns nervous systems. Basically, contact with the parents has benefits that outweigh the risks and contact with siblings is minimal additional risk on top of what a baby is exposed to from their parents already. But for anyone else, the risks to the baby outweigh the benefits. I assume there is a similar mindset at play here for the parents (who I think are entirely in the right for what it's worth - although I personally couldn't get worked up about the 'my baby' comments)

So when my eldest dgc was born May DD was living in my house with me but the baby's father wasn't. . Yet fathers can touch the babies but grandmother's can't?

Actually, she was asked not to: “i was told not to post baby online and i did which i know was wrong”.

They’re not “determined to be offended” - they asked that people didn’t post pictures and their wishes were disregarded.

I’m sure if you asked someone not to do something and they did it anyway, you’d be upset but you wouldn’t agree that you were “determined to be offended”.

How far back is " back in the day? " 5 years for example?

That’s not the norm though…

But what are the " rules" in that situation? Along with everyone else in multi generation households. It's not unusual for many women from the Indian sub continent to move in with in-laws when they get married

We saw the twins once in nine weeks in NICU. We shower wore clean clothes, masks and were allowed to peek at them in the incubators.

When they got home their lungs were the main concern again we didn't hold them just peeking into the cribs. It's common sense really.

Their parents were holding them skin to skin whilst in NICU when they could.

They're bonnie nine year olds now but one still has chest issues especially in the winter.

As grandparents understand that it's not your baby, you've got years to build a relationship.

The three do's apply here

Do you love your grandchild?
Do you want a relationship with them?
Do what you're fucking told then.

It's hardly rocket science. The child has parents. Let them parent.

According to that poster it “doesn’t hurt the baby” 😩🙄

How can you love someone you've only seen briefly once?

Well apparently it only hurts the baby if the grandparents post the pictures. Not if the parents post them or the baby is modelling

I don't know what the NICU rules would have been in that scenario as they were obviously talking about the standard set up of baby lives with parents/siblings. But it doesn't sound like this is relevant to OP - she does not appear to live with her son/DIL and so the logic still stands for this particular scenario. Parent contact brings benefits that outweigh the risks, external visitors/family the risks outweigh the benefits. Obviously NICU babies are highly vulnerable but there is logic to having different rules for parents versus others (and even if there wasn't logic, it is ultimately up to the parents anyway!)

That blows the whole argument out of the water to start with surely.

If the love ain’t there granny should have zero problem, not kissing, not posting photos and not passing comments.

So clearly she does love the child or even worse she doesn’t and is still ignoring the very parents of the child.

You patronised me by saying ‘thank you for telling me what I meant.’
I didn’t tell you what you meant. I don’t know you and am not a mind reader.
I didn’t ’choose …’, nor ‘ assume…’.
I’m interested in the EFFECT of what you wrote,

You do not KNOW whether she sounded sincere.
You do not KNOW she knowingly overstepped.
You do not KNOW she put her wants first.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with saying ‘not my intent.’

You’ve made these massive assumptions, with no right to do so, against someone who’s already been kicked to the floor.
That’s why I call it a rant.
Please remember us DGMs have stood where you stand, but you haven’t been in our place.

As has already been pointed out to you, parents that allow their babies to be models/post pictures themselves obviously don’t have the same concerns.
Parents who’ve asked that pictures are not posted should have their wishes respected.

At this point you’re being deliberately obtuse and must be rage baiting.

And I've agreed with people who don't want pictures posting have that choice. Or are you failing to read that bit.