aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

And as I said what about all the babies that are models? And far more publicly available than someone's Facebook page?

Only got to look at the NEXT baby wear page Plenty of babies on there

Most I’d imagine.

Some of this (what might come across as 'interfering') comes down to personalities as well.

I do not really like being 'helped'. That's on me, fine. I try to turn down help as gracefully as I can if it's offered and I don't want it. I'd rather struggle through and do things myself and I perceive a lot of 'help' as passive aggressive ways of pointing out where I'm falling short. (This mainly stems from my own mum. Lots of 'do you want a hand choosing what to wear?' when I had obviously already changed into something perfectly appropriate - as an adult. Etc. etc. etc.)

My MIL loves to help. If she has a friend who's ill or had an operation or mentions going through a tough time, she is right round with a lasagne and would definitely offer to help with cleaning or gardening or washing or whatever. For any of her friends or relations who she thought might need a hand.

So when she was like this when I had DC, I knew that she didn't mean it in a passive aggressive 'hinting' way. She wasn't treating me differently because she was The Grandmother or 'But faaaaaaaaaaaaaaamily'. She was just being herself and trying to (genuinely) help. Sometimes I was so tired and strung out I just let her because I couldn't find a way to decline gracefully. Sometimes DH said that it was so kind of her but actually we were ok and could she just bring us some food and hold DS while we napped, or whatever. No need for her to do a top-to-toe spring clean of the whole house.

Would you offer to clean for any of your friends, OP? Would you offer 'advice' or suggestions on how they raise their children or grandchildren? Would you ever have offered to clean your DS's house if he was ill or is it just the magic presence of a grandchild that's brought all this out? I found it really grated when people changed when 'access' to my baby was on offer as an incentive. Some relatives who hadn't been in touch with me for years were desperate to spend time with 'the baby'. They've lost interest now DC are big enough to be boring/argumentative/harder work, just like they largely lost interest in my sister and me until we delivered the next generation!

I’m sure they do. And the parents of those children made the choice that they were ok with perverts wanking over pictures of their kids in swimwear in the Next catalogue. And that’s their choice.

and it’s totally fine if the DS/DIL in this situation don’t want sick fucks wanking over pictures of their baby because the thought makes them feel sick to the back teeth. Even if the baby doesn’t come to physical harm. Because it’s a disgusting thought and it’s THEIR BABY to make that decision for. Don’t think there’s any clearer way of saying that.

And I never said they didn't have that choice Read back I said I don't give a damn whoever posts pics on social media or not.

I haven't seen any pics of babies in swimwear on me t tbh but then again I wasn't buying it for grandchildren

She’s bonkers. Anyone who objects to a (presumably healthy) GM kissing the top of her own grandchild’s head, has got a screw loose. Or has some sort of severe anxiety. Or is excessively controlling.
Or all three.

You sound just like my MIL. Criticising. “Aren’t you going to dry his hair before he goes to bed” “Is that what you’re wearing to the christening?” Then acting all offended when being called out.
When you ask about the baby being cold that implies that the parents aren’t doing their job well enough and you need to step in because you know better.
I doubt they will want your help when they have a toddler as you don’t respect their boundaries and they can’t trust you.
You have upset them. Don’t play the victim.

Nope this is bullshit. The risks of kissing a newborn have been well aired on this thread and are following current medical advice. But hey you couldn’t risk giving a younger woman a kicking could you?! Nice denigration of her mental health too 👌

“ has got a screw loose. Or has some sort of severe anxiety. Or is excessively controlling.
Or all three.”

or has read the NHS advice (so all four)

Sorry but I think you are BU. You shouldn’t have posted the photo or kissed him (not that i ever said that to grandparents) he is THEIR baby, not yours, you had your chance, this is theirs, let them raise him as they choose and respect that, whether you agree with it or not.
Yes he is your family but he is NOT your baby and you shouldn’t refer to him like that. That is one thing that I would have pulled the grandparents up on had they done it, which thankfully they never did.

Fair enough. Well the actual risk is to the parent’s mental health having to think that such a thing might be happening, and to the children’s mental health if it ever becomes clear in the future that their images have been manipulated and misused. There are teenagers that have self harmed and similar having learned that their images have been “nudified”. And to other children because it is well evidenced that viewing images of child sexual abuse makes a person more likely to commit sexual offences against a real life child.

and less likely but their are creeps who stalk and kidnap certain children having taken a fancy to them at a playground or whatever, and this is made easier if the child is tagged on Facebook all over town at cafes and stuff so that their movements are predictable, perhaps in school uniform or other club uniform so it’s easy to work out where they will be and when. I realise this is very unlikely but for many of us the benefit of posting pictures of our children on Facebook (zero benefit in my opinion) means it’s isn’t worth even this small
risk.

What's wrong with kissing a baby's head? I don't get it. And that is not gentle parenting it is neglectful. They do not learn to self soothe by being ignored. That causes them problems. They need to be picked up & soothed by their care givers, it's vitally important (& that'show they learn to self soothe later). There's so much research on this & look up what Gabor Maté has to say about it. There's video clips you could send which would help the parents understand that ignoring baby's cries is damaging. I can understand them not wanting the pic on fb but that's all I understand about this.

I am a grandma.
It never fails to amaze me how present day gms cannot read up on social media and see what is totally out for us and then just do it. Why would we want to cause trouble. We were all young mums once and the last thing we wanted was bossing or interference. Our mothers mightn't have known much better but there is no excuse now.
The biggest gift my own dear mum gave me was saying ..l read in a woman's magazine that it's all breastfeeding on demand now and you shouldn't leave them cry..so she was delighted l was doing that. Most of my friends mom's were saying ..give them a bottle etc as they hadn't read their woman's magazines! But now we have everything at hand to educate us ..to be up to date ..to understand new mothers. We have no excuses. Stop blaming the mothers !

Oh yeah. Start sending the parents YouTube videos telling them how to parent. That’s going to help this situation 😂 OP will be lucky to be invited to the kids graduation ceremony at that rate.

Yes I was going to say, our health visitor said at the 6-8 week check to make sure that no one but us (parents) kissed the baby. We were also told by midwives right after birth to ignore family telling us not to keep holding our baby or we'd spoil it (which did happen a lot).

We're blessed with a lot of loving family and I know advice will have moved on a lot if and when I'm a grandma! And anyway everyone wants to do things differently.

I do think things about the baby being cold/hot - if it's not an emergency I actually wouldn't say it. You can't be around to supervise everything and as long as baby is fine and not in danger, I wouldn't say. It might be easier to give advice to your DS if you happen to be on your own as that's who you've got the close relationship with.

Bear in mind if DIL has postpartum anxiety which is possible she would need support rather than pressure. It will all come right in the end, it's such early days

Also I don't think it's just a modern day thing? My own DM stopped speaking to my DGM for about 6 months shortly after I was born as my DGM kept ringing her panicking that my DM hadn't fed me or that I might not be breathing. Lots of pressure to bottle feed and sleep train, neither of which my DM did.

Interestingly my DGM by the time I had my DS was telling me I should feed however I wanted for as long as I wanted! Though she got very nervous when she saw me taking his coat off to put him in the car seat, she thought I didn't know how to keep him warm. I showed her all the car blankets we had!

We were told the same by midwives about holding.

We were also told that, to establish breastfeeding well, it can be easier to not have visitors for those first couple of weeks. It's easier to see a baby's feeding cues when they're with you, as opposed to a well-meaning grandparent...

Must be very lonely if you are trying to establish breastfeeding and sat alone all bloody day though. My own mum was a great help with breastfeeding.

I'm not quite sure how it's easier to just be abandoned and left to it

But you can be company without being intrusive or overbearing. The problem here is with visitors coming in offering unsolicited advice.

All alone? No. For company and support, I had my husband, he was able to grab drinks/snacks for me etc whilst I fed the baby.

Never abandoned - infant feeding team, midwives and health visitors all were around for support if needed. They weren't intrusive in their advice or visits, unlike the OP has been.

Whilst my data is anecdotal, I've successfully breastfed each of my children. I'm pleased I didn't miss their cues just because Granny wanted a cuddle and to tell me I wasn't doing it how she would... 🫠

I’m sorry you have got so much stick on here OP , you’ve apologized so I’d just step away now. Get on with my life and leave them to it. Don’t be daft and say anything about not babysitting, think it if you like but don’t say it 😜 Hopefully it will all calm down.

Blimey. Midwives tell you not to see people for two weeks? My mum came to stay with us when I came out of hospital with my babies. Thankfully as she was a great help.

Absolutely to your last point. I will never forget it being disclosed during the murder trial, that the horrible individual who abducted April Jones had downloaded photos from Facebook of her and other local girls onto his computer. Some parents just don't want to run that risk, no matter how miniscule. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-22522856

Be careful OP, and be ready to visit/ care for DG, that's all I can suggest.
Parenting styles change with each generation, I believe.

The one thing, and I can't say it's a bad thing, is that many young parents today want to do things the way they've learned to from friends and SM.

One of my friends just quietly accepted the things her DIL went with with their first DC, she said nothing to them, didn't interfere or assert herself, she was just ready ( and ever so eager) to be there for them when her DS and DIL needed a break.

Of course she quietly bemoaned some of the new ways of parenting to her close friends, but never to DS, DIL.

She genuinely loved the family, all of them, too much to make waves.

Another friend I have could not do that.

Always a pushy individual, who feels she is right, began right away to assert herself, say when she thought baby needed this, that or the other.
She hammered away for visits with her DG constantly.

Guess which Nan sees her DG the most today?

The one who said nothing about the different ways tried with GC number one, that's who.

The pushy Nan, the one who could not keep her thoughts to herself, the one who always refers to her DG as "her girls" has effectively had exposure to the DG cut down to the point of her often feeling down about it.