aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

I can’t help think my Dad has the right idea. He is fond of his grandkids and wants them to be happy and healthy, but he doesn’t understand this obsession that some grandparents have with their GC. He often says “but they aren’t my kids” when people quiz why he isn’t totally obsessed with their every movement 😂

I think some GP behave in a frankly weird, obsessive way when it comes to GC. Like it gives them some sort of right over them.

All of my grandchildrenwere on Facebook within an hour of their births so I do t see how you can say " parents don't" If I hadnr been at the births of 3 of them id have first seen them there

And why is it ok for the mother to kiss the baby? Can't she have the same bloody germs to pass on? And skin to skin contact? Well I certainly didn't have that so should I not have kissed my own babies? Who said she's breastfeeding ( and dad most certainly isn't or is he not allowed kissing either?)

It's not a " gotcha". It's a genuine question of real ( nor perceived) risks isn't it

Well said!!!!!

The amount of nastiness on here is second to none sometimes

Wonder how long it will be before the OP's DIL is moaning about how little her MIL does to help her out

Such a massive double standard and hypocrisy here. I see it so often on MN. Effectively what you are saying “let me do what I want, when I want with your child or I won’t help you in a crisis”. No thanks. I don’t need your control, manipulation or coercion and I doubt the parents will in this situation either. My MIL tried these threats with us - it didn’t work. We managed just fine without her help. However it’s now a different story as she gets older, more frail and lonely and wants help from us that won’t be forthcoming.

I mean, it’s great advice if you want OP to lose contact with her son’s family entirely.

It takes just a few minutes to google, but a pp has given an explanation and a link on the previous page.

And apart from that it’s just privacy. I don’t actually post kids on social media but if I did then that would be my decision to share their image with people I personally know and trust. I might have no idea who many of my parents/in-laws friends/followers are and don’t want their picture shared with people who I don’t know.

They told you their boundaries and rules and you just disregarded them. Apologise sincerely and explain how excitement overtook your senses a bit ace agree that going forward you will follow their lead.

Ask what help they need rather than offering.

they’ll be more open and welcoming then.

Exactly. Funny how I said similar and questioned why family’s excitement trumps that of the postpartum mum and baby and why are postpartum mums are expected to have more grace and was told I was ranting.

Didn’t actually answer my questions other than people here have had babies too.

@Thechaseison71 here you go

And that has to do what with a newborn picture?

Some parents choose to post photos of their children online and some choose not to, both are their decision as parents. In this case, these parents clearly don’t want images shared, likely because they’re aware of the very real risks around privacy and online sharing, so that should be respected. My approach to sharing pictures of my baby isn’t invalid because Debbie next door decided to do something different.
And yes, there absolutely is a difference between a mother kissing or holding her newborn and extended family doing it. Mum has carried the baby for nine months, passed antibodies during pregnancy, and if breastfeeding, continues to support the baby’s immune system. Skin-to-skin contact and parental bonding are medically encouraged for those reasons. And if mum does have specific “germs” she will also have the antibodies to deal with them, whereas she won’t have the antibodies to deal with whatever Tom, Dick or Harry may also be carrying.

That doesn’t mean grandparents or relatives are “dirty” or dangerous, it just means newborns are vulnerable and parents are entitled to set boundaries around contact, photos, and visits without being mocked for it.

Because some scumbags use the same tech to manipulate pictures of babies…

I think that I’ll be a GP in the next 5 years, and if I am, there are a few things I definitely won’t be doing;

1. Posting photos on social media or sharing them around. This was done to me/ my DC and in this day and age it is hugely inappropriate.

2. Telling my DC and their partners how to feed/ parent or sleep train their babies. It’s a fast moving, constantly evolving space and what we did 2 or 3 decades ago is outdated, just like my parents thoughts on my parenting are. Let them lead, do it their way.

I’m not sure if this is relevant to your post, but one of the main issues I’ve got in my life right now is the selfish attitudes of my and DH’s parents, the GP’’s of my DC. Here we are working FT, managing a household and raising DC and they think that they should be front and centre of everything we do. It’s exhausting. They do not pay one second of any thought to our struggling young generation.

As a GP, it will be my job to give way to the younger generation and let them have their turn and not make it all about me, when I’ve had my fair share of the pie and I’m set up for life because I was lucky enough to be a Gen X.

But you haven't mentioned dad? What about his germs

I have no issue either way whether someone puts a baby picture on Facebook or not but a reply saying " parents don't" is blatantly untrue. The parents in the OP may not but plenty of others do

@justme39

i feel sorry for you, but I think you need to reflect a bit on whether you comment on things when you could just shut up.

“he looks cold”, “you need to rest” etc - did you need to make these comments? Could you instead only offer (is there anything I can get you etc) and then step away if that is politely refused? Helping but not criticising builds trust.

when I was pp with my first, I used to hate the “you need to rest” concerns from people who came over to visit. What they meant is - “you go away to another room and I’ll hold the baby and pretend I am its mum whilst you do it”, they never meant “I’ll tidy up and you go back to bed with your baby”. Mothers are wired to want to be close to their babies - it’s not pathological. Many cultures actually support the mum to stay in bed with the baby for days or weeks after birth.

Be honest with yourself, are you coming at it all from a point of wanting to support your son and daughter in learning to become parents to their child (the learning process means making mistakes and trial and error to work out what your baby wants), or are you actually looking to prove your relevance and insert yourself into their lives for your own benefit?

I don't think my DCs would forgive me if I posted a picture of my GCs on social media. That really was a mistake.

Actually there’s really interesting studies that one of the reasons we feel compelled to “snog” or kiss passionately as humans is dad transferring his germs to mum to build up her immunity and germ exposure. Basically if my DH has it; I have it.

Ffs there is no helping you.

Oh crack on then. 🤦‍♀️ AI created sexually explicit images of babies and toddlers are ok because they don’t actually come to harm. FFS. Can someone else explain why this is fucked up please, I’m done.

Stop the faux naïveté. Who cares what you would have done and what other people do re: social media? The DS and DIL in this case did not want the OP to post photographs on social media and told her explicitly not to. She ignored that. There are very clear risks around doing so concerning the safety and privacy of the child that have been outlined on this thread and which you could find out with 5 minutes of Google searching.

Of course the mother and father can kiss and hold their own child. Are you really asking that question?! Presumably they won’t do so if either has active cold sores or other illnesses and a close friend of mine had to avoid seeing his own newborn for three weeks because of an infection that he had that he didn’t want to risk passing onto his own child. It’s about minimising the risk to the greatest degree possible and any normal, loving selfless person understands that. Only someone who prioritises their own wants over the needs of someone else would ignore this.

Would you go and visit someone who was immunocompromised and kiss them because you got excited to see them? Despite being told not to? If not, then how is this scenario any different? OP could have waited a few weeks until her grandchild has had his vaccinations and develops his immune system but no, it was far more important that she get to kiss him than to safeguard his health.

Why would the weirdos just not use easily public pics of babies. Like on any baby wear catalogue online to get their kicks then? Of course it's fucked up but doesn't physically affect the baby

The poster I replied to said about mothers antibodies and breastfeeding. But the father doesn't have any of those?

Jesus Christ I wouldn’t have you near any child of mine with that attitude and would be checking your hard drives.

Ok then post a photograph of your face here and we can use AI to manipulate it into pornographic content because it “doesn’t actually hurt you”. Repulsive attitude.

So, some of you are OK with the police knocking on your door to tell you they’ve cracked an international paedo ring and there are hundreds of child AI abuse images online with your kids face on it?

Well done.

I wonder how many heavily pregnant and postpartum women are snogging the faces of their husbands regularly lol