aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

If you are fitting with a baby on your chest a kiss on the head is not going to expose it to more germs that are coming from just breathing. Babies do have some immunity from their mothers too, especially if they are breast-feeding.

Of course a new mum doesn’t actually “know” better, they have no experience at all after all. But it is still their baby and not the GPs baby and if they want to do things their way then that’s up to them. That includes not taking advice that’s offered, whether it’s sensible advice or not. Plenty of my friends have done daft things with their kids in my opinion (putting those stretchy headbands on baby girls to look cute (hello strangulation risk), amber teething bead necklaces (hello choking risk), but they didn’t ask my for my opinion so I didn’t give it.

Just because a GP has done it before doesn’t mean that the get to tell them new parents what to do. If advice is asked for then by all means advise away.

I put you're not being unreasonable because it does sound all too much. The whole embarrassing you for naturally kissing your grandchild on the head is just sad. I love it when my family show this kind of love to my baby. And restricting you for picking them up when crying.. so now you're both upset! It's all a bit ridiculous. I feel they should appreciate they have a family who adore their baby and wants to help out. Many don't have this.
However after having read your update - they specifically said not to post and you did anyway. I would be fuming as this is not your place to do so. If you wanted to show a relative, a better way would be to say "can I send this to x please", not post it online so it is available for all to see.

Sadly, you are incorrect. One of the bigger risks is neonatal herpes, which is passed on by someone kissing a baby when they have a cold sore (or a recent history of cold sores).

how can people not see this is rage bait lmao, hitting absolutely every crazy MIL/grandma stereotype here, try harder!

I agree with you. But I would bite my tongue for the sake of a future relationship. It is disrespectful when you've raised children. I would put it down to over cautious new parents and this will likely calm down soon.

Which is why I said they shouldn't be overbearing, right at the beginning of the comment.

But there seem to be a lot of people who think that grandparents have nothing to offer as they are past it and don't know the modern advice.

One thing older people do often realize is how often the advice changes, how often it's different depending on your region our country. Which allows a little more perspective in terms of how important current advice really is. Because there are a lot of things, even if the recommendations are basically good, which are actually of minor consequence.

It's not good for new parents to feel like grandparents, aunts and other family are people they need to protect their children from. It's not good for them or their babies.

I'm sorry, it's not a big risk, it's quite a small risk.

It's not a risk at all if grandma doesn't have it.

And the head is not a good place to pass it on even if someone did have it.

OP I wish DH mother was more like you. She was bossy and critical, but never offered help, not warm. It sounds like your son and DIL are overwhelmed. This is their first baby? They are finding their way and following current trends and wanting to do everything right. But it can be scary. As you say, you’ve had a lot of experience as a parent. It’s reasonable to think they’d want your input and help. Eventually, they probably will. But they need time to establish their routines as a family. That could take a while. As they gain confidence, hopefully they’ll relax a little and stop being so uptight. I agree that you should have asked before posting the photo, but you did take it down. They need to learn to extend you some grace also. To recognize that your words and actions come from love, not a need to dominate. For now, accept their restrictions as gracefully as possible.
what are/were their relationships like with their own grandparents? And maybe ask DIL’s mum how she interacts with them and the baby. It’s possible she feels similarly to you, or has no difficulty with the rules and just goes with it.
All this to say, try to be agreeable and patient and it will probably get easier.

I've not read all the responses, but I think your ds and dil are very lucky that their new baby has such loving grandparents. I think that it sounds like they're being a bit ridiculous and they should chill out a bit. Sorry you're going through this, they'll hopefully relax a bit as they get used to being parents.

She didn’t say that. In each case they told her AFTER it happened.

Wow. Why doesn’t she just die now, since she’s served her purpose? What a hateful thing to say.

OP I misunderstood. I thought you didn’t know until after you posted the photo that they didn’t want that. But you were told not to and did it anyway? No, no, no. There is NO excuse for that no matter how excited you were. That is an incredible breach of trust. I understand your sadness about their rules, but if you expect to be allowed to have a relationship with your grandson you need to honor them. It’s up to you to try to rebuild trust now.

He isn’t your baby.

Call him your “baby grandson”.

It’s not your place to “show off” this baby. He is a human being, not a doll, not a spectacle for people to gawp at.

The parents could also be kinder to grandma without changing a thing. “Thanks, Brenda, you’ve given us a lot to think about “ or “I understand, but James’s doctor has advised us that…” “I’ve heard that from some people, but we find that…works for us.” Not snarky, no condemnation, just an acknowledgment of good intentions while still doing things with the baby the way they want to.

The worst thing I ever did to my parents was to "refuse" to "give" them grandchildren by deciding to be childfree. They never forgave me.

My daughter told me that she and her husband have decided not have children. They’d have been amazing parents. Still, I told her the truth: it makes me a bit sad, but no one should have a child just to please other people. The two of them are healthy and happy and we have a great relationship. Many reasons to be thankful.

Mostly your not being unreasonable. The social media things is unfair, I would be extremely upset if someone put a photo up and I’d asked them not too!
The rest sounds like they’re quite anxious and they will likely calm down as the go on. I love seeing my babies be cuddled and loved by grandparents.

I do understand the my baby thing, that annoys me. However the same grandparent that does this has actually refused to give me my crying (screaming/distressed) baby before so not sure if I’m a bit sensitive about this. This is 100% not a helpful thing from the grandparent who has done this a few times.

She sounds like a neurotic pain in the arse. YANBU. It’s posts like this that make me happy to have daughters, rather than a spineless son.
Sorry OP 💐

You aren’t the mother. You shouldn’t kiss the baby - especially after being told not to. You shouldn’t refer to your grandchild as your baby as it is not your baby.

Quite frankly you are lucky to hold the baby at all.

For God's sake, it's affectionate, it's not an ownership claim.

Why would you kiss a baby they have asked you not to.

But why would you ask your child's loving grandparents not to kiss them on the head? How can it possibly harm them? It's a natural human instinct. Maybe you should reflect on the fact that an expression of love from a grandmotherwill never be anything other than good for your child?

Why do you keep giving advice hot cold when they have asked you not to.
Judging when you believe their child is tired or not. Again nose out.

There's no suggestion that OP "keeps" advising on these things. But, again, as a parent, how does it harm you or the baby if another very experienced parent comments that something like this might be the reason they\re grizzling?

These are parents who think it's OK to leave a baby to cry. Maybe, just maybe, they don't know it all?

Since when was it a rule that only mothers could kiss babies, and their grandparents couldn't?

I do think there has been a shift - largely caused by technology in the role of grandparents.

In short - new parents now have far better access to information. And far more information with a huge variety of theories, methods, approaches, techniques etc. And these ideas are changing and spreading quicker than ever.

So yes, if you go back 50 years, where would a new mother turn to when needing advice? The grandparents/previous generation, midwifes, nurses, books..

Now? The internet, social media have become more common sources of information than any of those.

So that has devalued the role of grandparents, and left them often at odds with the parents because of how different some of the modern ideas of parenting are to what they knew themselves. Instead of being a source of wisdom, they are now (rightly or wrongly) sometimes seen as an outdated source of incorrect information...

Add to that the fact that parents have become more involved and controlling and concerned over each aspect their children's lives, and you end up with a situation where yes, grandparents do have to take a more passive and receptive role, listening and obeying more, if they want to be a big part of their grandchildren's lives.

Herpes cannot be passed on by kissing on the head.