aibu to think grandparents are just expected to know their place now?

[justme39]

honestly feeling quite upset and not sure if i’m being unreasonable or not.

my ds and dil had their first baby a few months ago and ever since it’s just been rule after rule after rule. no kissing baby, no picking him up straight away if he cries because theyre trying to teach self soothing, dont call him my baby because apparently thats boundary crossing now 🙄

i’ve kept my mouth shut mostly because i dont want drama but yesterday i honestly felt humiliated. baby was asleep on me and i kissed the top of his head without even thinking and dil immediately goes we’re not doing that in this really sharp voice in front of everyone. atmosphere after was awful.

i do feel there’s a lack of respect if i’m honest. i’ve raised 3 children perfectly well, all grown adults with good jobs and houses etc so its not like i dont know what im doing. yet if i mention he looks cold or maybe he’s overtired suddenly im undermining.

another thing that upset me was photos. i put ONE picture on facebook after he was born because family were asking and you’d think i’d leaked government documents. ds rang me asking me to remove it because dil was really anxious. i did remove it but i wont lie i cried after because it just feels like nothing i do is right.

i’ve also offered loads of help. meals, cleaning, having baby so they can nap etc but apparently they want to figure things out themselves. then dil posts online about how exhausted she is all the time. i honestly dont know what we’re meant to do anymore as grandparents except buy things and sit there quietly.

now ds hardly messages unless she’s included as well which never used to happen

aibu to think younger parents are so obsessed with boundaries and gentle parenting they forget other people have feelings too?

fair enough, I imagine it depends a lot on the relationship, my mum is pretty negative and critical of me in general and also made some questionable parenting choices, so I find it nothing but irritating when she tells me that I’m parenting wrong. She also has never really interacted much with my kids, mostly
preferring to look at pictures rather than actually spend time with them. She couldn’t tell you much about their behaviour or what they like so it seems odd that she would think she knows better than me how to bring them up.

she commented on how much time my newborn was spending on the breast for example when we were establishing breastfeeding, she never breastfed or attempted to. So why did she try to give advice on this just because she’s a mother, it doesn’t make sense.

Yep. I welled up too. 💔

Put money in trust for your grandson and make sure the parents don’t get a penny if you die before they can grow up.
Trust me, not all DIL are this twatty and not all sons are weak enough to pander to their wives petulant behaviour.
I wouldn’t dream of treating my MIL like this. Neither would my DH let me.

OP, as harsh as this sounds, I would walk away. Especially if you have other grandchildren & parents of the others are not so controlling. your daughter in law sounds like a nightmare. Other posters have mentioned this, but I bet they ask for help eventually.

Yes you do; I just told you.
It is perfectly possible not to think about it. Different people see the world differently.
It's entirely normal amongst my friends to share photos of a new grandchild on social media. If you didn't put them up, people would wonder why.
We're a different age; things look different to us.
That's a simple fact.
The MILs I know spend most of their time biting their tongues, not plotting maliciously to upset everyone.

You've missed the point. You saying the advice was out of date 20 years ago just adds to pp’s point that granny’s advice about cold hands is no longer relevant (and hasn’t been for a long time, ie at least 20 years).

I can really understand parents not allowing visitors for the first few weeks as this helps prevent the newborn picking up any germs viruses that visitors might be carrying. That is different if this is a second child with a sibling at school or nursery. I don’t think GPs necessarily have good advice to give. Things have changed and quite frankly when my first grandchild was born, I couldn’t remember how I used to look after my own children. I do remember we used to put our babies on their stomachs to sleep!!

Threads like this make me so happy for my lovely appreciative, down to earth DDs/ DSD and DILs who live in the real world - want the ‘village’ ( with all it entails, so not just on their terms ) and don’t think they were the first women in the world to birth sacred, precious, newborns!
(And by the second/third baby were so grateful for any type of help/input or just showing up they would have literally let the chaps collecting the bins /avon lady at the door / any old randomer- (let alone loving grandparents) -give advice /take them for a walk / kiss them/ shove on thermal blanket on even in 26 degrees

An eye roll at most I think

If it’s entirely normal to post pics then being asked not to do so would stick out and make an impression. She would have remembered when deciding to post the photo. She did not forget.

I am my nephew's favourite aunt so have always called him "my boy" his mum calls him that too. She's fine with it. Why would it be a wind up?

Why? It all sounds quite real to me.

You’ve had your children and your opportunity to raise them your way, now it is their time. My baby was in hospital with RSV, if you kissed him after me saying not to you wouldn’t hold him again. They are a family unit now, DIL and the baby are your sons priority which is how it should be, they make decisions on their family, you don’t get a say.
I spend all day with my baby, I know his needs more than anyone. Whenever someone tries to tell me I find it frustrating because I know my baby, I tend to find the people that make “suggestions” expect me to follow what they say immediately rather than accepting I know my child, my MIL is the worst for it so I don’t spend time around her anymore. If she says my baby is tired she expects me to try get him to sleep immediately even though I know it will be a loosing battle because he isn’t tired yet.

Beggars belief how we managed to get our children into adulthood in one piece doesn’t it …

Yes, well, it just goes to show that every situation is different.
I would certainly have got pretty narked if offered breastfeeding advice from someone who had never breastfed!
BUT it does upset me very much when some posters talk about all MILs as a kind of dangerous lunatic who need to be controlled and managed with 'boundaries'. It's so disrespectful to the loving care and self sacrifice of so many older women.
I know quite a few women who travel for hours every single week to make life easier for a DD or DIL.
I wish people would give them some consideration as well.

The OP accidentally kissed the baby's head. My babies are now mid primary age and I have no regrets 'allowing' their grandmothers to kiss their heads.

Their quote says says:
“Refrain from kissing a baby unless you are their parent or main carer.”
This is not a clinical rule. It is not national NHS guidance. It is not a medical directive. It is a local Trust communication promoting The Lullaby Trust’s “THANKS” campaign, a simple, memorable message aimed at visitors and at reducing infection risk in newborns. Some Trusts share it. Many do not.

The actual NHS neonatal herpes guidance (the only national guidance on kissing babies) says:

• Discourage anyone who is not a close family member or carer from kissing your baby.
• The safest place to kiss your baby is on the top of their head (which is what we did - me and the poster with our respective grandkids)
• Avoid kissing near the mouth, nose or eyes.

This is the official position and it explicitly allows head‑kissing by close family.
Gloucestershire’s advice is not “normal”, it’s stricter than the national NHS guidance. It’s a local interpretation designed to:

• give anxious new parents a simple rule,
• reduce awkward conversations with visitors,
• and minimise infection risk in the first few weeks.

But it is not the standard across the UK. Most NHS Trusts do not tell grandparents they cannot kiss a baby’s head.

Our instincts are normal, loving, and safe to want to kiss baby on the head but sadly I will abide by my daughters wishes, but she is making a rod for her own back in alienating her own family and she will ensure her child will only seek comfort from her. See how that works out when her maternity leave ends, which it is about to do. I'm not saying this to be vindictive, but as parents, we all know she has a right to bring her child up how she wants and we will abide by it, but denying a child love and comfort from others is a very alien concept to me and as an earlier poster has said, its heart breaking for us, it make me feel substandard, rejected and held to hostage.

No visitors for a few weeks??? Talk about sucking all the joy out of life - for everyone

I'm not sure how it being an accident is relevant? The guidance doesn't change. If anything, it just supports the DILs position that the OP needed a reminder that they're following current guidance and that they're not allowing kisses.

That's wonderful for you. Surely you can acknowledge that every family is different though?

I have mid-primary age children too, and we passed on the same guidance to grandparents about not kissing our children. I don't regret my choices either...

Good post!

"EVIL" ?? !!
I think not!!

Define 'close family member'. Member of the household? For example, a baby's parents or siblings?

It’s really not a control thing!

It’s them knowing what they want when it comes to their baby (ie no pics online, no kisses as per nhs advice) and letting others know about it so that their wishes can be upheld.

Ps not everyone “begs” or even asks for childcare, especially when the parents wishes aren’t respected so they don’t trust them.

In real‑world terms, this includes:

Parents, Grandparents, Siblings (including older children), Step‑parents / step‑siblings who live with or regularly care for the baby, Aunts and uncles who are actively involved, anyone who is a primary caregiver (e.g., someone who regularly looks after the baby). These are the people the NHS considers low‑risk because they are already part of the baby’s daily environment or would be if they let you in!

This is my daughter and grandchild for crying out loud, you can't get much closer if you tried. I used to do her washing and ironing for her when she and her husband were at work cos she hated doing it, I'm not even allowed to do that now until baby is a bit older. Oh and when baby is bigger I can babysit for them.

I think the idea that new mumsbmust know better is for the most part pretty crazy
That's not to say grandparents should be overbearing, but a woman who has raised a couple kids almost certainly is more practiced at it than a brand new mum. It's no different to dogs or horses, experience makes a difference and grandparents are a significant resource in human cultures. It's probably why we live so long past our childbearing years.

I’m sure you followed the current advice at the time, just as the new parents of today are doing.

Most people prefer to go with what the experts say, rather than someone who just happens to have reared their own children to adulthood.

I had no qualms in telling my mum that the advice when I had my babies was to put them to sleep on their back, when she suggested that I put my first baby on his front. We have a great relationship, she’s a great mum and I was grateful for her help but I wasn’t going to do what she recommended when it went against the experts, just because we had survived to be adults.