Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

They likely comment because of the amount of time you’re caring for the children.

being in their father’s home shouldn’t mean you taking annual leave or taking on a parental role.

MIL lives with us and doesn’t take on a parental role. She’s Granny. She makes her plans and lives her life regardless if the kids are here, at school or away. When she has them it’s Granny time.

Not her co-parenting, which is what you seem to be forcing on your son.

The only thing I can agree with you about, is that YOU, as grandmother, are not obliged to use all your annual leave doing this.

But does your son insist you take time off to help him? Or is that your choice?

When you agreed to have him live with you you agreed to have his kids whenever he has them - if you aren't happy with that the only acceptable thing to do is to ask him to move out (harsh as that may sound). It's not acceptable to try to limit the amount of time the children spend with their father - in fact it's pretty horrific.

And of course ex is not in the wrong. The split should be as close to 50/50 as possible, wherever possible.

If the arrangements don't suit you (fine - it IS a lot having a house full of kids once you are beyond you own parenting stage) - then you address and negotiate that with your Ds and he needs to come up with a solution of meeting his agreement, obligations, and wish to spend to with his kids in a way that doesn't put pressure on you.

This. Otherwise we have two issues being conflated. The OP is within her rights not to want a house full of kids quite so often, but for their father its a totally different situation.

YOU don't need to do any CHILDCARE if you don't want to.
Your SON needs to PARENT HIS children.
He is not doing close to the minimum, so no his ex is not asking for too much.

You have got to be joking?? It's not childcare it is parenting his kids. I cannot believe you are complaining it takes up his annual leave and kids take over what do you think its like for the ex who has them most of the time! Stop interfering unless it is to help him get his own house

Then he should move closer to his children.

Or rent a one bed - single bed and bunk beds in the bedroom and sofa bed in the lounge.

What does he earn then?

You are far too involved. I would use every minute of my annual leave to see my children if it was the only time I got with them… but that is entirely none of your business. He is their Dad and it is not for you to manage him, his time or his relationship.

If you feel that it is too much of a burden on you, then that is a conversation with your son about how he manages his children in your home and, if necessary, him living on his own two feet!

Who are you suggesting should look after his children?

Welcome to the the real world. That's what parents have to do if they both work. Jeez, you're out of touch. (I remember being over the moon to take one day of leave that WASN'T in school holidays...it was to sort out my towels and sheets cupboard...happy days)

What is the issue here? All mine and my husband's leave so far this year has been to look after the kids

They have 10 weeks of holiday over the school year—your DS should be parenting them for 5 of those weeks. And yes, that may include putting them in/paying for holiday clubs during his 5 weeks.

Around 35k but after student loans and cms this is obviously reduced.

his only option is to live with me. He can’t afford not to.

Exactly @pinkEasterbunny, her DD needs to figure out how to co-parent without putting extra stress on the OP, which is what's currently happening.

How much rent are you charging him? I suspect none or very little…meaning he must be saving a fortune…that he could spend on his kids or a deposit and few months rent in his own house or driving lessons.
What does he spend his money on?

You were "lucky" if your ex saw your DC every other weekend? So he was useless and you were ok with that, and now you're trying to encourage your son to be the same??

He has plenty of money to learn to drive and relocate then.

You want him to be a deadbeat though.

Can you please explain why you think his share of parenting should be called childcare?

They are his children, not hamsters.

If you are concerned about the toll it takes on you, then tell your son to move out and behave like an adult and to parent his own kids.

You are moaning about a small percentage of his time spending on his own 'high needs' kids. Yet his mother apparently has to have them all the time, while your poor little boy gets a free pass.

They are his children and he has an equal responsibility to parent them. It's not childcare its him being their father.
Of course he uses his annual leave to care for them, that's what parents do.
Breaking up with their mother doesn't mean he has also divorced his children . They are still half his responsibility.
Having said that I can understand if it's too much for you and he should find somewhere else to live.
I'm curious though at what did you expect when you invited him to move in with you? Did you think he wouldn't have them in the holidays?
It doesn't actually sound as though he has them very often

I think this evening you need to sit your precious boy down and tell him he needs to grow up.
big time.

You DS needs to be an adult.

He needs to get his own place and you need to keep your sticky beak out.

You can offer whatever support you are willing to give but you don't get to dictate what is appropriate in their co-parenting relationship.

Why can’t he drive?

I don't think her 'asks' are at all excessive. If it uses up a lot of your son's annual leave, so what? What else would he be wanting to do?

However I get that it is all a bit much for you.

It really would be best if your son got himself a place of his own, even a humble one, not far from you so you could help out with grandchildren but them having their own home with dad. I know that is expensive but life is that way and that is what people do. He surely doesn't intend to live with his mum forever, he may get a girlfriend in the future and would hardly want to entertain her at yours.

This is the price of having children, in his case, three, and of splitting up. Presumably ex-wife has a home of her own near to her family. He can do the same. She has her children far more than he.

Urge him - and help him - to move out and you can then have your home to yourself again, seeing your son and grandchildren quite often but not having them living with you. You will all feel much better for that.

Get onto Rightmove and see what is available locally.

Good luck!

He does know right if he parented more the cms would go down as well.

What you mean is he cannot afford to live near you. He could live somewhere between you and his children though like a really good father.

Why doesnt he drive? Has he had his licence taken away?

how do the kids get to him if he doesnt drive?

i hope youve had a wake up call here OP. Your son reslly should try harder.

if he had put his name on the council house list when he first came then MAYBE he would have got a house by now. Im guessing he hasnt even done that.