Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

Your friends comment because - if they have DGC of their own - your DGC are around more than theirs.

But they aren't at your house as your DGC. They are at their dad's house being parented by their dad.

I think it's time for a discussion with ds about his living arrangements going forward .
Yanbu to feel that it is too much for you to have 3 grandchildren in your home for a week at a time during holidays. You're entitled to feel this way in your own home. Yabu to suggest that your ds is being asked to do too much. That is between him and his ex. But he needs to get his own house. Staying with his parents isn't a long term solution anyway.

He doesn't have all his family where you are... his 3 kids live somewhere else

There are low paid jobs everywhere!

Not driving is just another excuse. He's really useless from head to toe isn't he?

Kids get approximately 13 weeks of school holidays so let's say 65 days holiday, not including bank holidays, teacher training days and sickness absence.....your son covered 22 days of that last year and you're thinking it's too much?!

Who do you think manages them the other 43+ days (as well as evenings and every other weekend).

YABVVVVVU.

*I know DS would have been happy to have them but I feel it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like k need to take time off to help him

When a man becomes a dad, he’s hopefully capable of looking after his children for big chunks of time. It’s not too much to expect a father to do this. Why is your expectations of ds so low?

It is unreasonable to expect you to take time off too.

He took 22 days out of his 25 of annual leave last year on the kids. I just find it all overwhelming when they are here

Most parents with young kids will use the majority of their leave on the kids. Yanbu to find things overwhelming but your son should be having the kids for half of school holidays etc

No, she is not being unreasonable. You don’t need to use your holiday time to look after his DC. His issues re housing are not your problem to sort out. You don’t owe him housing .

Pouring one out for your son’s ex, she’s going to need it poor soul.

Honestly you are comparing how things were with your ex husband, thankfully times have changed, he should have the children 50% if possible, how many AL days do you think that the childrens mother took off for leave. I am sorry that you are finding this overwhelming, but your post reads totally tone deaf.

It's yours and your friends' expectations that are the issue, not the amount of time the children are spending with their own father. If it's too much for you to handle having them in the house, your DS needs to figure out how to get his own place. There's no world in which this is the ex-wife's fault and your DS should parent his DC less. Tell your friends your proud he's a better dad to his DC than his own dad was to him. Or moan to them that you wish him and his DC would move out. But don't use this as some chance to slag off the ex.

I like the part where it’s thrown in the ex wife only works part time.

Like she has a coparent doing half the child raising haha.

Maybe if your son stepped up rather than hiding behind you she could work full time. Shocker.

Well he could just move if he learnt to drive!

Every day of my annual leave last year was for holiday childcare. Same as my husband.

He doesn’t drive, can’t afford his own place. He needs to significantly step up and be a parent. Why shouldn’t he care for his OWN CHILDREN for 50% of the holidays. Many, many separated dads do it 50% of the time.

Why on earth do you think it should all fall to mum? Why shouldn’t he care for his own kids just because he has a penis?

Why can't he move?

You say that he has all his family near where you live, but he doesn't, does he, because his children are his family.

As for his work, if he earns so little that he can't even afford to rent a place of his own, surely he can look for something else in a cheaper area so that he is able to step up and be a proper parent.

Why did he have 3 children if he is such a low earner and unable to drive etc? How did he expect to be able to support them properly?

I very rarely join a pile on but I can't believe how out of order you are. I get it 's your house but you shouldn't be taking annual leave to help. They're his kids he should know how to care for them.
I think two weeks out of six for summer is not enough. How do think their mum manages?

i just didn’t expect this amount if im honest. Even my friends comment on how much the kids are here in the holidays.

Where else would the kids be other than where their dad is living??!!

My ex left me with two kids and he started off doing every other weekend even in school holidays and I was left to do all the juggling in the holidays with my own work and annual leave and booking holiday club, getting help. I also could never go away on holiday myself without kids because I always had them, he on the other hand was able to do that and he could just go to work and come and never worry about any of the stresses of the school holidays.

Eventually I put my foot down and said they’re your kids; you’re doing half the holidays and ever since he’s been doing that. I know he finds it hard because he has to take annual leave and juggle getting help from his mum etc. But they are HIS CHILDREN!

Try and think how hard it is for his ex to have them every single day save for 4 days in the Easter holidays, 1/6th of the summer holidays etc etc!!

I've often wondered how so many divorced fathers slither out of any parenting at all (and to be fair to OP's son he isn't one of those) with zero reputational damage, but given her attitude, I can see how it happens. It's a massive social issue, a shocking double standard. I doubt she'd cut a daughter so much slack if her ex son-in-law had custody of the children.

OP, are you under the impression that looking after children is women's work, and do you perceive your son as helping the children's mother out rather than simply parenting his children occasionally?

My ex lives with his parents (doesn’t work) and they also say that they can still only have DD every other weekend throughout the holidays as it impacts on their week too much and justify it by saying that I am off during the holidays anyway (education). It is getting harder and harder every year to explain to her why she can’t be with them more often. I am completely burnt out by the end of each holiday (I also have younger kids with new partner) and resent them all so fucking much. Shame on you.

I cackled, thank you for this 🤣🤣🤣

Of course the father should be doing more but I can also sympathise with the op because it’s her house that is being taken over and her routine disrupted. When the majority of MN love to bang on about childcare isn’t a given and it’s entitled to expect too much from grandparents, the op is getting a pretty hard time. The best option would be for the son to move out and stop impinging on his parents home.

he isn’t in a low paid job. Rents where we live are between £2,500 and £3,000 for a 2 bed! There is no way he could afford that. He is not a deadbeat.

But that's because your son lives with you!

How strange as a mother that you want your son to be a dead beat dad😂😂 The summer holidays are 6 weeks long, even if he did 2 weeks he’s not even doing half.

He’s a joke

So he needs to move.