Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

I think it is good if he has plenty of time with his children for him for them and for their mother. I do have some sympathy re housing, he must be paying maintenance for the children and if he hasn't got a highly paid job that can be difficult. Different for the mother as with three children and a part time job she may be getting help with rent, obviously irrelevant if she was able to buy.

If she needs help with the rent it's because she NEEDS it... Yes he's paying CMS as he well should be, he's not even a part time Dad and kids are expensive!

If he hasn't got a highly paid job, he needs to do something about that. He has plenty of time to work a 2nd job, plenty of time to upskill or just accept that he's not a high earner and live somewhere affordable.

The mother of the kids had to leave due to affordability AND she does all the transportation.

He needs to be doing more parenting and you need to be doing less. His wife shouldn’t be doing two three hour round trips just so he can see them. He has women facilitating his whole life. I bet the kids arrive with clean clothes that she has bought and that she has packed and go back with dirty clothes. What he could be doing is booking an air B&B near his ex for at least some of the time so at least she doesn’t have to drive for 6 hours over her weekend and they won’t all be under your feet.

a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end

I mean you do realise she is doing the rest, yes?

Obviously if she gets it she needs it, in other news the Popes a Catholic. The difference is he can't afford rent to house him and three children but isn't able to get that help. From a taxpayers point of view the children can't be counted twice for benefits but it means it isn't as easy as saying he needs to get accommodation where he can have the children more so his mother is somewhat reluctantly filling that gap.

How much time will he have to spend with his children if he's doing two jobs?

I thought it was normal for the parent who chooses to move away to do the transportation.

I don't think it's as simple as is being made out. He needs to have his children more, his exercise is entitled to expect it, his mother is entitled to say that is too much for her.

Wow wow wow - you are 100% WRONG. He is the kids other parent so should have 50% responsibility for them. Why on earth do you think their other 50% responsible parent should be doing 80% of the labour. I cannot over-emphasise how awful you are being here.

Far too many men move in with a woman post divorce to secure a bigger property than they could afford; and for help with their kids. In this case it’s his mum, in other cases it’s a new partner.

He is seeing his kids a completely normal amount and I’ve no idea why you thought he wouldn’t have his kids for chunks of the holidays. But his cost of living problems are not yours OP, and if you find all this too much that’s perfectly ok.

DS needs to find his own place and sort out his own childcare.

Of course he can't get that help... he hardly even sees his children. 2 days in every 14 is pathetic. He isn't an overly high earner so he should easily be able to get a similar paid (perhaps a bit less) role near where his children live in a more affordable area.

If he saw his kids more then he'd pay less CMS.

But absolutely NOTHING has stopped him having 2 jobs in the last 12 months to try to build up some extra funds. Nothing! He hardly ever sees his children so he can't use that as an excuse.

Yes, his mother doesn't have to have her grandkids around. I never said she did. But she needs to parent her own son and read him the riot act so he steps up.

I am wondering how old you are not to be able to cope with 3 kids in the house with or without the parent. 75 and up not unreasonable less than that well !!!

I think you need to take the view it is what it is, find work arounds and so on - waking up in the night then DS deals, cooking for fussy kids, entertaining them and having things to entertain them he deals, maybe get yourself some ear buds or similar that are noise cancelling. Sounds like its going to be ongoing.

OP is under no obligation to take in her son and 3 kids just because he has CoL issues - they are his problems to resolve.

I don’t know why OP didn’t factor in holidays but if she is having to take time off work to help him and it’s too much for her - that’s fair enough.

I assume he's proactively taking driving lessons with the money he's saving by living with his mum?
Also I assume he does 50% of the housework, cooking, and his own laundry?
He should also be actively searching for a place to live, and not sitting comfortably with his feet under mummy's table.

Has he no self-respect?

I’m 55 there’s no way I’d agree to parent 3 young kids, I’ve done mine.

I am utterly baffled. You think it's taking too much of his annual leave to have the kids? I wonder how much of the mother's annual leave is spent without kids?

@burnedoutgrandma I'm 65 and semi retired. I wouldn't want to do heavy duty child care for a whole week.

However, your ds is an adult, the children are his and he is living with you. The fact that he is being provided with accommodation by you is reasonable imo and something I'd do for my DC. However, that's where it ends.

Your DS should be doing the additional food shopping, changing beds, cooking for his children, etc, when they are with him. In the summer holidays, why can't he book a week's holiday with his DC? A Haven caravan would do and yes he absolutely should be using his annual leave to look after his children - it's what parents have to do.

I don't understand why you think your ds shouldn't be picking up his parental responsibilities and why you thing the have to do the "women's work" aspects. If your ds agrees with the patriarchy/mysogyny, I can see why the marriage failed.

Why isn't your son learning to drive if it wpuld support his role as a father.

I am sorry your sons father didn't step up to the plate but that is non reason for your son not to. Ultimately, younare my age, yet your views seem more in line with my mother's generation - she's 90.

He is clearly viewing you as another parent when the children come to stay, or perhaps that’s how you are viewing yourself..

His ex moved away, her choice but our decisions do have consequences. She moved far enough away that he can't do 50/50. If a father chooses to move away Ive never heard anyone on here say his ex should also move.

She had to move away to put a roof over their kids head. Someone had to be the responsible parent...

I never mentioned anything about 50/50. But he sees his kids 2 days in every 14 and obviously relies heavily on his mother if she's feeling burnt out.

I'm not saying he should move just because she moved. I'm saying saying he should move somewhere he can have a roof over his head and accommodate his children. It's called being a parent.

Your expectations of your son are so disappointingly low. Why the hell should the mother have to do everything. He should be using the vast majority of annual leave being with his own children. That is what any half decent parent has to do to cover the holidays. Asking him for 2/6 weeks of the summer holidays isn’t really asking that much. If you feel it is too much or he’s running out of leave then he should have them and take some responsibility for booking holiday clubs or other activities to get them out of the house for a bit. No doubt he is also paying the minimum CMS.

Sorry no, who is to blame for the break -up, which the OP has explained was in joint agreement is for the adults to manage between them and minimising the impact on the kids. Regardless of who did what, each needs to take a fair share of parental responsibility for THEIR children.

From the sounds of it, Dad wants to step up but Mum is the one that is struggling having them in her home as she feels a responsibility to help him. I understand it affects her, its her home, but these are his children and he is the one that has shared responsibility and not Gran.

To be fair to him it isn’t really a vital skill in London unless you fall into a situation like OP’s son where you kind of need to do it to reach your DC in a rural area.

indeed.
Although he has now had more than a year to set those wheels in motion.

The amount he has his kids is completely reasonable and normal as you seem to have realised now.

Where I think you are not being unreasonable is that it appears he is relying on you a lot for help with childcare, when it should be him parenting. You shouldn't need to use your own annual leave when they are visiting, his kids are his responsibility.

Could he take them away for a holiday on one of their visits? I know money is tight, could he manage a caravan holiday in the UK or something for a week? Could you take a holiday yourself during one of his weeks? Or at least a long weekend away? Obviously not your responsibility to leave your own home, but if you can coincide your own holiday with time he looks after his kids, you get a break and not exhausted by them. Or even just visit a friend or other family member.

It is very generous of you to open your home to him as he does come with a lot of extra. Hopefully you manage to enjoy some time with your grandchildren too and manage to achieve a better balance in a way that doesn't impact the reasonable time he looks after them.

His ex moved away, her choice but our decisions do have consequences. She moved far enough away that he can't do 50/50. If a father chooses to move away Ive never heard anyone on here say his ex should also move.

Presumably he wouldn't/couldn't leave his job & she couldn't afford to stay there?

Perhaps when a father moves it's more often without the kids & he's not that bothered about seeing them?

Here's a 1 bed flat (get some camping beds) near Hounslow West station for £1100. I think he's lying to you about house prices. https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/87822744#/

If he's got 3 children, then unless they are all the same sex, there's the chance the ex may have a view on bedroom sharing. Which she would be quite entitled to have. Not that this is the OP's issue though.

He's also failed multiple times 🙄
He sounds fab

Fair play OP, well done for admitting your error. Now put it into practice. Your son chose to be a father so he must do what’s right. If you don’t want that in your house then he need to move out. Ideally he should prioritise driving and maybe move closer to them.