Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

He needs to do his fair share time-wise. If the issue is that it's too much for you in your house - which is understandable - he needs to think ahead and save up for cheap places to stay and give them a change of scene and you a break.

You say “I will admit I shouldn’t have said childcare. I think I was speaking for myself in that I do feel that when they are here I am doing a lot of looking after them” @burnedoutgrandma

This is the problem. Why are you doing the work when they are staying? They are HIS children. He’s taking you for a ride. Take your focus off the ex and look at your DS. He’s using two women in his life right now to do most of his parenting load. It’s not cool.

The easy solution is he rents an Airbnb woth his kids. It doesn't have to be fancy or in a touristy area, just a town with transport links.

If he lives with you, and pays minimal or no rent, he should have disposable income to facilitate the above. If he does pay you a fair share of rent, maybe you can agree that he doesn't pay you for that week.

A few things - I recognise you come from a different perspective but your standards for how involved a father should be with his own children are unbelievably low. You should actively want your son to be a more involved father than this.

Secondly, you seem to find the kids exhausting because you sound like you do a lot of the childcare / housekeeping around them. That's his job not yours. Again - your expectations for your son are unbelievably low.

This, exactly. He could easily do this regularly with all the money he’s saving by living with you and not running a car. He could collect the kids from his ex and take a taxi to the Airbnb if transport links are an issue. It really isn’t that hard. It just takes effort.

And he should be using all of his holiday to look after the kids he produced. And he should be taking care of them on his own. You’re already infantilising him by having him living at home. Stop thinking you need to be a second parent on hand for him. He is a grown man.

I get how your own evperiences have impacted your thinking and that is understandable. But I do not think the ex is asking too much here. The suspect a key reason this is burning you out is because you are doing more than you should be when the kids are there. Your DS is the father and should be doing the cooking/looking after them. He needs to learn to drive if that is possible. £35,000 salary is not high for London and he should think about ways he could tprogress his employment prospects. I’ve been married more than 15 years- we both work, use annual leave during school holidays and school clubs. The ex is looking after them all week so comparatively he’s not doing 50%. I feel like he’s relying on you too much and I get that he wants to lean on you and you want to help him. But he needs to start standing on his own two feet more. You’ve done your time as a parent, and grandma time should be more about helping out now and again and treats! Best wishes x

I completely believe that her village might not be easily reachable by public transport, despite being under 90 minutes from London. Lots of places in Hampshire and certainly Dorset that would fall under that description, plus the trains become fewer and slower services in rural areas.

Uber isn’t everywhere! Even in the Home Counties you can be at the mercy of where the local taxi drivers are willing to take you and them being available in the first place.

But your views of his responsibilities as a father are pretty old fashioned for someone who must be only in their sixties.

His hopelessness now does make me wonder on earth they had three children on such a modest income in the first place…

But all said, he needs to step up to be a more active and involved father in their lives. Learning to drive should be his main priority, perhaps in an automatic car. He should then consider moving to her nearest large city or town. Portsmouth? Southampton? Swindon?

So because you suffered every other mother has to suffer and have an unfair childcare split???

The great thing is he has the freedom Monday to Friday and eow to take on extra work, do things with a view increasing his income in the longer term etc. all things that their mum won’t have the luxury of the opportunity to do. The current arrangement isn’t working for you so he needs to take steps to improve it whilst being an active father to his dc

This!!!

I cannot believe that because the OP’s ex was a deadbeat dad that she thinks it’s perfectly acceptable for her son to be one too.

And that her son, seeing and feeling the difficulties his mother faced is more than happy to inflict that on his own children and ex-wife.

My ex-husband is a deadbeat dad and I would not be enabling my son to follow in his father’s footsteps.

Honestly I think that your son needs to grow up. First of all, you absolutely should not be doing most of the childcare when the children are with him. I suspect your 'traditional' views have led to this - you're the woman, so its your role. He should be capable of parenting without your input. Do you do everything for him, cooking, tidying up, even when the children are not there? Secondly, the situation is not sustainable - his wife does most of the drop offs and pick ups, he can't afford a place of his own, is he at least saving towards getting his own home? You can't baby him forever. He might have to leave London to get his own place - I'm sure he'll be able to rent somewhere cheaper if he moves closer to his family. Sounds like he's taking the easier, most convenient for him, options.

So your son was grown up enough to make babies, but not grown up enough to house, care for, feed and clothe them.
But their mother is because she has no choice, she gave birth to them so it all falls to her ultimately right? They both made these children but when all is said and done, they are hers to look after.

People like you boil my piss

This is exactly how it came across, she just 'got on with it' so therefore she thinks the ex should, but on the other hand when her son has them for 'big chunks' ie. a week then she takes time off work to help because it's a lot for him 😳

Yes, that’s true, he is completely free in the week isn’t he? No childcare, probably no domestic duties, he’s like a young single guy…

He could take on some extra work to take his children on holiday during the summer. Why ever isn’t he doing that? Even a bar shift or a side gig like buying and selling on EBay would save enough to take his children to a holiday park for a week.

@burnedoutgrandma What does he actually do in his time off work?

How much was their rent previously OP? Considering the ex works "very part time" and they were able to have a family home in central London on his £35k salary?

I'm absolutely baffled how he hasn't stepped up and moved closer to his ex. And how you keep making excuses for why he hasn't done that. If he lived someone where closer and cheaper, he could take pretty much any full time job and actually be an involved parent.

But I sense that you are quilting him to stay with Mummy dearest and so as little as possible. Do you enjoy the Company while he's there all week and thus you don't actually want your fully grown adult son to move out?

Even on his low salary, your son must be well off. He's taking home £2400 a month and doesn't run a car. His child maintenance (unless he's found a way to avoid paying it) is going to be £360. Assuming he chips in at home for food, bills and rent (I bet he doesn't) he could easily be saving £1k a month towards sorting out a suitable place to live. I bet he isn't though. Probably just fritters away money on himself and moans about paying CM and that it's ruining him. Please come and tell me I've got it all wrong @burnedoutgrandma

Oh absolutely. Imagine going from having 3 children to moving in with mum and having no responsibilities. No school pick ups and drop offs, doctors/dentist appointments, shopping for school uniforms and finding money for shoes they endlessly grow out of, tantrums, the constant cycle of laundry/cleaning/cooking. No night time wakes, sickness, birthday parties, sports clubs, play dates.

And the inconvenience of being asked to help out over the 10 weeks a year they get off school?

Its almost like the children's mother is asking the other parent to take some of the load. Shocking

But an adult male who fathered 3 children cant pass a driving test or navigate public transport. Bless him

HE NEEDS TO LEARN TO DRIVE!! All that money he is saving by living with you can go towards lessons.

Then he can travel and pick them up. Then he can move out of west London for cheaper accommodation.

Just because your ex was a loser and chose not to parent, doesn’t mean your son should be the same. Why is it a race to the bottom. Because you had no support she shouldn’t either?

I’m always so disappointed when women don’t support women.

Are you actually serious?

I have not read the responses but you cannot be for real.

It isn't CHILDCARE. They're HIS children. The contact time she is suggesting is far from unreasonable - what do you think she has to do to manage for the remaining four weeks of the summer break?

You agreed for him to come and live there. Nobody is making you take leave to help with the kids. That's his problem to sort - you don't get to take the time off voluntarily and then dictate the terms of when he sees his kids.

His ex is totally in the right. You are totally in the wrong, with the caveat that it is your home. But in that case, your DS needs to move out and stand on his own two feet so that he can be the parent his kids need and deserve.

Dreadful. He's their dad, don't get in a relationship with a father of three kids then gatekeep when he can see them just because he lives with you.

My dad's partner was like this, said he had us too much on weekends, said he used too much petrol on us taking us places or picking us up (she can't drive), wouldn't have us rare ad hoc when my mum was doing midwifery training so my mum quit in the final year realising she'd not be able to do shift work with no-one else, not even our dad, willing to have us (we stayed at his 2 nights a week).

My sister now doesn't speak to my dad and neither of us have spoken to his partner since we reached adulthood, and didn't have to waste precious time around someone who doesn't want us around.

I honestly don't know where he's looking and transport is so good in London why can't he commute like millions of others? I lived in zone 6 and commuted in, in a posh area of zone 6 and a two bed is about £1900 to rent. There are definitely flats available for less than 3k closer to the centre!

To be fair to him it isn’t really a vital skill in London unless you fall into a situation like OP’s son where you kind of need to do it to reach your DC in a rural area. It’s just so well connected and actually more of a PITA to drive around than walk or take the tube. Lots of Londoners don’t drive or do but don’t own a car.

Don't respond to a post you can't be bothered reading...

He's not her partner

My husband and I spend all of our annual leave on the children. I don’t see why this is an issue? Also, half the school holidays is only 30 week days. 25 annual leave plus Christmas and Easter bank holidays and you’re set.

But I also think my parents would bite my hand off to spend a day with the GC! You don’t seem to get much joy from them. Your son has them so I’d be telling him to get a job with a liveable wage and move out. £35k in London is poverty wages once you have kids.