Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

Gonna be blunt, they are his kids and in my opinion he should be having them 50% of the time.

It's not the son who is complaining so no need to get your knockers in a twist . It's the GP who is finding it too much .

"his family" should be his children before anyone else. He needs to move out of your house and live closer to his children so he can parent, and they don't disturb you by being in your house. He's a father, he needs to have a home where he can parent his children.

She “chose” to move away. But then again, she also has 3 children to provide for and seemingly take majority responsibility for. He had the option of moving in with his mum in the area, whereas she had to find a way to house 3 children on her own, while working and having to juggle school holidays and so forth. You absolutely cannot suggest that she should do more (I.e. travelling) when her circumstances are more difficult to begin with. Yes, she moved. She moved so she could provide for her kids financially and so that she had more support from family because all the responsibilities are on her. He stayed in the area with his mum because it was easier and cheaper.

It’s a cheap and nasty excuse for a man not to pull his weight with his kids. Bloody “she moved”.

Not the point, but seems shocking that a UC top up is so large that losing it means going from being able to afford to house five people to not being able to afford to house 1 person/

You know, if I were you, I might start planning my own holidays to coincide with the children staying. Let your son parent his own children for a bit.

So the fuck what? Maybe he needs to work part time if it’s so hard. Parents use their annual leave on their kids.

the irony of you feeling you need to actively support your adult son… and telling him he should parent his children less. You seem to understand what parenting is when it’s your own children, why have you decided it means something completely different when its your sons children? How about this- your sons an adult, surely you shouldn’t be parenting him more than he parents his own children. He can move out and stay with you on every other weekend and a week of school holidays. That’s all the support you think a child should get from their dad, why does your son get so much more from you for himself?

I’m shocked. Speechless.

why can’t he look after his own children on his own? Why do you have to be there?
what an awful mother in law you are.

So he has them two days out of every fourteen, plus about five weeks in the holidays? Is that about right?

He's doing very little, frankly. A minuscule amount. With that amount of custody, even if he talks to them via video call or messages daily, he's not being an active, hands-on father, developing and maintaining a day-to-day relationship. He's most likely going to become a distant figure they holiday with, and aren't close to in the slightest.

To try to cut down on the already tiny amount of time he spends with them is incredibly irresponsible. I can understand they exhaust you, and it's not what you might want at this time in your life, but surely you don't want to drive a wedge between your son and his children?

In terms of their holidays, I spent almost that much time at my grandparents as a child, with my siblings and cousins! They were practically never without several grandchildren in the holidays. But in your case, if you find it difficult then you need to step away and let your son handle it all. It's not your job, it's his.

If it's not working out, then he needs to sort it. Ideally, he'd be able to get a job in the same area as his ex and the children live, and rent a house there, so he can see them more often. Obviously, that's easier said than done. But it's his responsibility to be part of his children's lives, and you either need to support that, or step away entirely.

She’s just a misogynist. She’s taking annual leave because she thinks he shouldn’t be looking after them so much and let’s all be honest, she thinks that because he is a man. So she is taking annual leave and doing it for him. No one has asked her to do that. But she is looking at him and thinking “a man shouldn’t be doing this” so she is doing it and now complaining about it and telling the ex that it’s too much. Disgusting behaviour.
And the little complaint that he is paying for holiday club during his time… she clearly thinks his ex should be paying for all childcare because that also isn’t his job - he’s only the dad. Poor wee lamb can’t possibly be expected to look after his kids or sort childcare in his time.

I don’t even have children and you’re being extremely unreasonable.
if you can’t cope with the children staying then he needs to move out and get his own place. If he can’t afford your area he finds somewhere he can afford or looks to better his income to afford to house his children. Using his annual leave to spend quality time with HIS children is completely normal.
why should parenting all fall onto their mum?

what’s your children’s relationship like with their dad? I can’t imagine it’s great if he fucked off and left you to bring them up.

You mean she’s making her son give up some of his own time to look after his own children. How disgraceful. I’m just playing you a tune on my tiny violin, hopefully that will soothe you.

Of all the threads I’ve read on here this is one of the worse. He’s a dead beat dad because you don’t want him seeing his kids. He needs to move out and get a better job or move to a different area. You don’t want the kids in your house that’s fine but he needs to see his kids. Just because your ex was a crap dad that didn’t see his kids doesn’t mean his son can turn into one.

My ex husband is in the same position, living with his parents - I used to feel guilty but it’s not my problem. I do 100 times more than him for the kids day in and day out.
His parents rarely allowed my kids (their grandchildren) at their house at all. That was their decision, if they can’t cope or want their space that’s up to them. In the end my Ex booked a hotel every other weekend with them. Not ideal but I also wouldn’t want my children at a house where they weren’t completely welcome either, that’s not fair on anyone.
Also the fact he didn’t have anywhere to take them was somehow MY fault 🙄

I feel sorry for your poor son having to parent his own children for a small amount of time.
Maybe his ex could pay him for the childcare hes providing?
He should be able to spend all his annual leave resting and having a well deserved break.
The chidren should only be the responsibility of their mother. Of course her annual leave should be used during the school holidays. It wont cover them but its not a problem as mum can just use her parental leave for the remainder even though its unpaid.

Yet again the weird Mumsnet phenomena of refusing the believe not everywhere is reachable by public transport (just get an Uber!). I have relatives about 10 miles from a Wiltshire town and it would be a similarly lengthy journey eg you can get ro their town by train from London but then wait for a v occasional bus which heads in the direction of their village. Weeks ago there was a similar response about distance to someone going to a wedding on Skye and how hard it was to get there with young children - ‘just take the train!’ , ‘just fly and then take a taxi’ etc etc. ‘can’t you stay in a premier Inn.’ As though every inch of the country is covered in Premiers or Travelodges!

This is insane.

Your son is 1000% a complete deadbeat - how can you not see that?

He's mid thirties, earning 35K in central London (this is not a good wage for the area), lives with his mum, doesn't drive, and has 3 kids.

And sorry to be harsh, but its really not surprising given he has a mother who thinks he should only be expected to look after his children every other weekend, shouldn't have to pay for holiday club, and shouldn't have to take annual leave to look after them????

i imagine you were a terrible MIL and he was a shit husband. Based on your attitude on this thread.

My ex MIL also believes I should do all the childcare so her precious son can work. Even though I also have a career. I would love to hear your DIL’s take.

And what message is it sending to the kids also?
Men can't look after their own children because it's too hard for them?

OP says the mum already does 80% of the travelling anyway.

'My feckless son can't support himself or his children, it must be someone else's fault, is it his ex's fault? It can't be his fault because he's my special man child'.

Imagine if they hadn’t divorced and god forbid she had died, he would then have them 100% of the time, as they are his children and responsibility. If she asked him to have them 50% of the time, still reasonable. Give your head a bloody wobble, idiot.

Essentially you’re unhappy because your DS is trying to be a decent dad and you cba with your grandchildren so want him to be a rubbish one who only sees them every other weekend at best. Nice.

He is parenting his children. It's not child care and tbh he should be doing more. Yabu

He’s used up his annual leave 😂He’s got nearly every day of the week to himself once he’s finished work. Probably has his tea on the table for him and his clothes washed, and can play computer games nicely all evening until bedtime. He’s not lacking in free time is he.