Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

I feel quite sorry for you, OP, because it sounds a difficult situation to deal with when you should be starting to take life easier!

I have to contrast your son’s breakup with friends of mine who, despite their various faults, are the model of divorce in my eyes. Once they decided their marriage was unsustainable, they made a joint decision that they would both stay in the same town to raise the kids 50-50. This meant missing out on opportunities with work and other relationships, but they are impeccably equitable and support the kids (and each other) consistently.
I have to say life is considerably better value outside London, and other jobs are available. Living in Portsmouth or Plymouth may be much less glamorous, but probably a lot more manageable from a financial point of view. For your son, not you, of course!

Also please stop taking time off while he has the kids they need time alone not with you controlling everything

I have been retired several years and my children are still paying off their student loans. There isn't a big age gap either. They just take a very long time to pay off! It will probably take most of not all of their working lives to pay them

I totally agree - he's a big boy, he needs to deal with this problem himself and stop depending on his mother to solve his problems.

Kudos to you that you have kept reading.

There's an important distinction though that an expectation on him, as a dad, does not mean it's an expectation on you as a grandma. It IS childcare when you are doing it. You're just perpetuating the misogyny if you take on his commitments for him.

Reframe this. He may not be able to afford £500 a week rent, week in week out, but he can afford it as a one off a few times a year. This is his problem, not your problem, and he needs to find somehow to take care of his kids while also keeping your home relatively livable for you. AirBnB. Little holiday. Holiday clubs. Parental leave. He could even pay for you to have a weekend away for a break if you are happy to leave them in your home. I think your stress with the situation comes largely from feeling it's your problem rather than just his, which is understandable while he is living with you, but challenge it. It is reasonable for you to be able to "quietly enjoy" your home and for your son to put himself out, and spend some money, to facilitate this.

You’re getting a battering here OP and I can understand why but I can see that you acknowledged that you shouldn’t have used the word “childcare” for him parenting his own children.

But posters are right - it is your son that needs to step up. He brought 3 children into this world and he needs to support them. He is doing the absolute bare minimum. You shouldn't be having to take annual leave to look after them but if you are willing to then maybe you can offer a set number of days of “childcare” and stick to it. He then needs to manage the rest of the holidays with his ex - and of course he needs to use ALL of his annual leave for school holidays - that is what parents have to do.

On average people get 5 weeks holiday per year, so that should be 10 weeks covered by him and her combined. So that leaves 3 weeks to sort with clubs or grandparents support. I assume she has support on her side too.

Also your son really should find a way to pass his driving test - it is not fair that she does 80% of the travelling when she does the majority of the parenting - they should be meeting halfway.

Why is he still living with you? He needs to find a place and have his children himself.

If he is good enough to have sex and procreate he needs to be good enough to look after his children.

The problem starts with your DS not your DGC.

I use 100% of my annual leave to look after my children, so does my partner. That's what parents do.

This has got to be a joke? Why does their mother have to the have the children, if he won't, what a double standard. He is their father! He should be doing the same as her. Poor woman having to do all the travel too because the grown man doesn't drive.

If you don't like the children being there, that's okay it's your home and your entitled to feel that way but your ds needs to find somewhere else to live where he can have his children as much as he needs to.

This isn't the 1940s. It's the 2000s. He is 50% father to those children and has 50% responsibility; and he needs to step up to the plate and have them 50% of the time or near enough. Your attitude that fathers don't matter as much as mothers is horrifically backward and misogynist, and really harmful. It sounds like he's a bit of a deadbeat father, sorry but it does. It sounds like he needs to move closer to where she is, or learn to drive.

@burnedoutgrandma We sound a similar age. I was brought up by my mum when my parents divorced and I would say that your expectations over contact with his kids are rooted in the same sort of upbringing as I had.

Sadly, and respectfully, just because that is what happened for you as a single mum, doesn't mean it was right and you are being very naïve about todays fairer, more realistic expectations of shared parental responsibility.

Sadly for you, you made a commitment to let your son live with you and for him to have your grand kids in your home. I can see that with this new realisation, its more than you bargained for but it is wholly reasonable of his ex to ask him to take a fair share of his responsibility whether she works full time, part time or not at all. She probably can't afford to work full time with childcare responsibilities that she carries by herself most of the time. She is on the breadline more likely than not. Being on her own with kids most fo the time is not an easy place to be and you should understand this and support his equal care of the kids. Even if she didn't work at all, he still should have his share of childcare and if that means he needs to pay for clubs when they are with him, then that is what he needs to do.

Having said all of this, I can see how difficult it is for you, as its your home and you are trying to help your son and its harder than you had expected.

But here is the thing, it is his responsibility and so you shouldn't be taking time off to help him unless you want to spend the time with your grandkids. He is their Dad and as hard as it is, he should be capable of looking after his kids for a few weeks by himself, without your help every waking hour.

You have facilitated a place for him to live and a safe environment for his kids to visit which is very generous, but the rest is for him to decide upon and cope with. He clearly wants the kids (credit to him - you clearly brought him up well) hence asking if you would reconsider, that doesn't mean you have to take time off too, has he asked you to, or are you just assuming you are needed?

Genuine question OP. Why do you feel the need to help your son look after his 3 kids when they visit?
He is mid 30s, I would hope that he is adult enough to be able to deal with them himself. Unless one of the children requires breastfeeding, he is just as capable of parenting his children as his ex. Stop making excuses for him and stop picking up the physical / mental load - make him face up to his responsibilities instead of leaning on you.
Also, I know you said he has used 22 of his 25 days annual leave looking after his kids. I expect the vast majority of parents of young children on here have used 100% of their annual leave spending time with their children. This is not abnormal in the slightest. How many days of your ex DIL annual leave has been spent caring for their children? How many days has she had to call into work when the kids are ill?
Also, please don't make this out to be a 50:50 arrangement. Your ex DIL is spending 12 days out of 14 with the kids while he has them 2 days out of 14 term time. School holidays he has had them about a third of the time. No doubt he isn't involved with school drop offs / pick ups / parents evenings / homework / after school clubs / birthday parties / doctor appointments / dentist appointments / opticians visits / buying clothes / buying school supplies........this is a long way from 50:50, and your ex-DIL needs respect for the amount she is putting in rather than judgement.

It's your business if it affects you. People will say she looks after them all the time, and unless she has help he doesn't (whether friends, new partner, family, has fewer hours at work), they have a point.
Did he walk out on on her/cheat? Whether it's fair on not depends on who is to blame-who broke up the family, because if that had had a big impact on the kids and makes it more difficult for you, it's cheeky of that person to expect you to pick up the pieces.

If you actually kick him out he can go to his local council and put his name on the housing list. If he has proper joint custody of the children he will be given points to bid on a property with the appropriate bedrooms the kids and him need in terms of gender. There are a lot of new build flats in London boroughs, particularly west London and he could easily get offered something near you so your GC are nearby.
Council and Housing Association accommodation is not means tested which is one of the great benefits of social housing.
He has to be homeless to access so 'kicking him out' will be a kindness. And you will have your independence back.

she left him due to several reasons but none of them cheating. They were both unhappy though so the split was the best for both of them. She is seeing someone else now though. He is not.

Ds and his ex need to agree on how to split parenting. Doesn’t sound like she is asking too much of him as the child’s father. I’m afraid you don’t get a say in how the split is worked out. You do however have a right to decide how much you do yourself. Let your ds know that the children can come to yours only when he is there to supervise them. And then leave him to it.

Maybe the arrangement you had with your son's dad damaged him and he wants to make sure he is part of his children's lives. Adults don't realise how much they damage their children. What you call tradition they see as neglect.

Then stop. He’s their parent. He shouldn’t need so much help.

While he is living with you I don't think it is reasonable. I fully understand how exhausting and disruptive it will be for you as an older person . I presume that the mum has nursery , school or other childcare when the kids are with her which you won't have access to ? I'm a Nana and couldn't cope with this .

Will he be with you permanently? If he had his own place it would be different. I think you need to be firm and tell him and her that you're not prepared to have the kids so much while he's living in your house .

He obviously needs to move out or you need to accept him having his DC up to 50% of the time. You don’t need to take time off work to help him parent, that’s your choice.

He absolutely would be able to find rentals in and around London for less than you’ve stated.

I'm confused re Piccadilly line. Does he work for TfL and starts before the tube does? And somehow he can't take an early bus? Can he transfer to a different location where he could afford the rent? Him living with you is no longer feasible.

If he can't transfer he should consider getting a new job closer to where his kids live. And get a child arrangements order that prevents them both from moving far away from the other parents.

Here's a 1 bed flat (get some camping beds) near Hounslow West station for £1100. I think he's lying to you about house prices. https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/87822744#/

I’m sorry you felt you had to do the lions share of parenting when your kids were young. It may have been the norm then but it wasn’t right and it isn’t now. You should want your son to be the best dad he can be to your grandkids and that means as close to 50/50 responsibility as feasible. He’s a mid 30s grown man who chose to have children, you’re doing him a disservice in thinking that “it’s a lot for him”. You don’t need to drop everything and look after them. I had a stint living with parents when my kids were young and did 99% of looking after the kids myself. Your son is more than capable of doing the same. Holiday clubs when he’s working and he does everything for them when he’s not. That’s what single parents do every school holiday (and we don’t all have a co-parent to ease the load).

So only mid 60s and still in the workplace and yet still have widely out of date expectations around parenting - are you friends all heaps older or something? Unless your DS's ex is expecting him to do more than 50% of total care than she isn't expecting too much.

Someone has no doubt suggested this but as I suspect he's paying you no rent, he can almost certainly afford to get an airbnb somewhere that is not your house while he has the kids. Problem solved,

Then he will have to find childcare and move out asap. It’s totally reasonable that OP doesn’t want to be living with her grandchildren so much, but it’s not reasonable for her son to parent his children less.