Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

My brother was in a similar position and had to move back home after his relationship ended. I think you are living in the past thinking every other weekend is an acceptable amount for a man to parent his chilsren.
My brother had the children on agreed days aswell as every single day he wasn't working and for a full month during the Summer. It was hard on my dad at times as he still works full time and the children were still very young so it was a very busy house.
My brother eventually got back on his feet is renting his own place and it's a lot easier for everyone. My dad can visit and help out but has his own space back.

It is traditional for men to hardly bother with their kids?

your DS sees them 2 days in 14 then an additional 23 days - you think that’s parenting?
how much do you think he should see his DC if this is too much?

Your DS shouldn’t be expecting his DM to do his childcare. He is the issue not the ex.

Does he not like his kids?

I wonder who ended the relationship?

How much maintenance does he pay her?

You’re conflating two different things here. A lot of people on MN think that grandparents shouldn’t have to do a lot of childcare if they don’t want to. However, most people believe that parents should fairly split time in terms of parenting, whether they are male or female. It’s fairly standard for parents to have to use most/all of their leave for parenting duties. You say your son has to live with you for finance reasons, but that doesn’t mean you have to therefore do a lot of the childcare. Set some boundaries with your son - if he could afford to live alone then he’d have to parent them alone when they were with him, so why are you doing so much just because he can’t afford to move out?

Is this for real ?

Errrrr thats normal when your a parent!! Fucking joke this thread, absolute wind up

I have some sympathy for you, op. I suspect, because you also live in the house, that your ds might be leaving you to do childcare instead of stepping up to the minimal amount of parenting he has volunteered for, and that isn't fair.

But the issue is your ds, not his ex. Can you sit him down and be clear that the dc are 100% his responsibility when they are with you? And just keep yourself out of the way?

I also don't accept your ds has no choice but to live with you. He's an adult and it's up to him to find a way to make things work, even if it means a move to a cheaper area, or picking up a second job. It isn't fair for you to have to bail him out.

It seems like your ds is used to expecting the women in his life to pick up his responsibilities, I hope a clear conversation can help him see this isn't fair or a good way to go on.

You are not being unreasonable to not want the grand kids in your space for such extended periods of time or to not want to use your annual leave to care for them. However completely unreasonable to think your son should see less of his own kids, 2 days a fortnight and maybe 1/3 of the school holidays is not much at all.

Your issue here is not the ex it’s your son. He has 3 children and he needs to step up to parent them.

You say it’s ‘alot’ when they are there, imagine how ex wife feels having them 90% of the time on her own then? I imagine she doesn’t live with family either if she has to house herself and 3 kids.

essentially the options are DS

1. looks for another job and moves closer to the ex there.
2. finds the money to find his own place, changes jobs. 35k in London is not at all a large salary, he could get a job for that elsewhere he does not need to be in London for that, it’s not London wages.
3. sucks it up and carries on as things are - this means you have to do that too.

stop taking your time off to ‘help him’ he’s their dad and he needs to learn to manage, if you take A/L to have them so he can work a bit to help out then fine. But if you are both having to take A/L to manage the kids then he needs to learn to parent better. It’s not your responsibility and I’m sure he’ll manage if you aren’t there all day. Fair enough the odd one for a day out together. It sounds like if anything he’s not having them enough if he finds it such a struggle when they are there for longer.

50/50 should be ideal expectation. With distance and jobs etc this isn’t always the reality but in holidays yes he should help more. Mum should get some time off too, she’s doing the leg work, working part time housing them and parenting 90% of the time as it is. She shouldn’t be default parent and have to use all her annual leave so dad can save some for a break, I don’t see how anyone could thing that’s fair. Most people’s annual leave is used up entirely for childcare when children are little.

it seems you’ve realised you were wrong here which is good. But I don’t think you were all wrong, your time is yours as is your home and you need to focus on speaking to and enforcing some boundaries with your son, not the ex.

Things have changed significantly in the last 30-40 years many dads want or have 50:50 custody. Using annual leave for kids yes that’s what most parents do, what would u have used his annual leave for if they’d stayed together?

So the children’s mother would like your son to have their children for a period, and he would also like to do that… so it sounds like the problem is you…? Stop taking annual leave, he is capable of looking after his own children!

So he absolutely NEEDS to be living in the most expensive place in the UK… so he can keep his 35k job? It makes no sense. His job doesn’t pay him enough to be in the area.

YABVVU

Why doesn't he move closer to his children, in the cheaper area. Then he could afford some rent and spent lots of time with them. You are wanting to make his ex your problem, when your problem is your son.

You need to leave it to him whilst the DGC are staying with you. Fully. Perhaps go away yourself?

Am I the only one here who actually feels very sorry for you OP? You're doing nothing wrong by helping your son by letting him stay with you. Which heartless person wouldn't do so? The sad thing is that it's directly impacting you and your life, you should be at the stage when you're winding down, not gearing back up with 3 kids running around your home. I don't know what to suggest, but I do feel for you 💐

They both moved away, neither of them are living in their original house. OP hasn't said she lives in the same area as he once did, so we don't know how far he moved vs she moved.

you cannot be for real what a wet wipe you are! THEY ARE HIS CHILDREN he is equally as responsible for them which means taking annual leave when it’s the holidays the absolute cheek of some of these mummy’s of their boys grow the fuck up and make sure your son takes responsibility for his children and doesn’t do less than he should which it appears is exactly what you want

Don’t look after them. You don’t have to. You’re doing enough housing them. Your son should be doing all the parenting, looking after, entertaining, cooking, washing for them. If he isn’t then why isn’t he?

Your son sounds like a deadbeat. Can’t drive, can’t afford to move out. Gets his mum to look after his kids. Your friends are probably commenting that they’re round YOUR house a lot, because they’re not your kids.

Also 22 days of annual leave equates to just over 4 weeks and children get about 11/12 weeks off school so he’s having them about a third of the school holidays and not at all during school time. How is that too much? It’s not even close to half

Kindly, @burnedoutgrandma he is the parent and needs to sort this out. You need to step back and let he and his ex manage it. I appreciate you shouldn’t have to do it but he is as much a parent as his ex and they need to muddle through.

The glaring issue here is your son. He doesn't need to live in West London. There will be cheaper parts of London to live in. He needs to move out and grow up, be a dad that can look after the kids he brought into the world. It's not your job. If he doesn't move out - you need to stop being nanny (in both senses of the word). He using you to cover his inadequacies and lack of interest in looking after his own children. Sorry OP.

Wonder why his relationship ended.......wow. Grandma your a big issue and you've shown your true colors here. So sad

What have I just read. I am shook! They are his bloody kids. He is getting off light

I’m a child of the 80s and 90s, when every other weekend was the norm and that’s what we did, but we still saw our dad for half the school holidays on top of that, because he was our dad, he LOVED us, he WANTED to see us, we loved him and wanted to see him, and our mum wanted us to see him as much as possible too because she knew it was what was best for us. (I think she actually missed us terribly when we were away for 2-3 weeks of the holidays, but she never let on because it was what was best for us).

I’ve been reading this thread aghast. I’m just baffled that your son seems to want to be a better dad, but you want him to be a shit dad, like his was.

Stop doing things for him “because you feel like you ought to”. If you love him and your grandkids, then let him be a dad, stop interfering, equally don’t take annual leave to look after the kids. Either kick him out or let the kids come without complaining, but if you’re going to let him live with you, you need to accept the fact that he is a father and the kids are part of the package. You should be proud of him for wanting to do better than his dad did, not trying to thwart him.

Yeah, he needs to have them without you getting in the way. I assume you feel the way you do because you're older and it's too much for you. This means that your DS is making you do too much childcare. That's very unfair on you. HE needs to parent his children. And it's in the children's best interests for them to spend long periods of time, like two weeks, with him.

Either he does all the parenting when they're with him or he goes to live somewhere else.

Shame on him for putting his parenting on others.