Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

Yes, but people are suggesting he should be travelling more. I don't agree with that if she chose to move away. However, he should be seeing his children more and be getting his own place!

Oh my, the poor baby used “most” of his annual leave on his dc? Ffs, yes that’s what parents do. In fact dh used all of his annual leave on the dc when they were small. Now we take occasional child free days as dc are older teens but still most of our leave is to be with our dc. In “the old days” dads could rock up every other weekend and that be seen as sufficient but now it’s expected to be more balanced so the pressure of parenting is shared equally (as possible). You seem to have very low expectations of your son in being a dad.

The ex wife seems extra amenable & accommodating specifically with the lions share of the travelling & parenting.
times have changed. Your son needs/has to figure out his priorities.
if it’s too much for you in 1 or 2 week blocks he’s books a caravan holiday or something similar so HE is parenting as much as he can & should.
You booking time off to help is on you. Has he asked or expected you too?
I think let him figure out the logistics /housing /driving lessons/retrain/better job & you do you.
his ex wife & him , compared to so many co-parenting threads on here sounds like they’ve got it right & kindly perhaps you should leave them too it.

It would be even less that that because some of the weekends within the holidays would fall on his weekend anyway.

OP, this is hilarious.
They’re his children and he should be parenting them. It’s not childcare at all.

If you don’t want that level of input in your gc, fair enough, but he needs to move out.

Their poor mum must be knackered as well…?

Surely a reverse

True, so it's probably more like 90 nights. It's also probibal he's not having the kids from the end of school on Fridays, so could easily be as low as 64 nights (17%)

It's not unreasonable for the ex to expect him to be an involved parent. Nor is it unreasonable for him to want to split holidays and weekends with the ex and spend quality time with the children. But, by doing so it is impacting your life. You're well within your rights to say no to this, if it's too much for you. It is your home and you are allowed to decide what does and doesn't work for you in your home.
The only solution would be for him to move out. I know you've said he can't afford it, but he's going to need to work that out. All be it by, moving further away from where he is now, a better paying job, second job or finding a property that has 1 bedroom and a separate reception room that he could use as a bedroom when the children are there. He's a grown man with children, this is his problem to solve, not yours.

I feel for you because you’re older, sound like you want some time to yourself etc. However, your son is a father and as a father he has EQUAL responsibility for his children, and therefore should have them 50% of the time unless not feasible in which case he should have them as often as possible. you should be proud of your son for wanting to look after his children more often, not try to dissuade him.

The problem is that he lives with you, and you don’t like having the grandchildren there. So get used to him having the kids at yours, ask him to move out, or ask him to take the kids out of the house so you get the time to yourself that you want. Could he stay at her house when he has the children sometimes, depending on how amicable they are and her situation.

To play devels advocate here, they both moved. He moved to live with his mother and she moved to where her suport is, and where she can afford.

It doesn't actually say where either places are in relation to their original location, just that they're 1h20 apart now.

Part of the reason why it's impacting her life so much is because she thinks it's a lot on him to have to mind his own children for 'big chunks' so she takes time off to help him. He's mid 30s for gods sake and should be well able to cope with his children for a week here and there.

So you think your son is parenting too much but you clearly still wipe his backside for him? He should be parenting his children that he created instead of dumping it all on you.

Back in the day people of your generation were able to stay at home and look after the children, this isn’t that case anymore. The state will not pay for people to not work whilst they have children. Nor should they. Your son should be using his annual leave, that’s normal. We don’t live in a sexist, Dickensian time period any more. She will be using hers as well. You need to stay well out of it. You have wrongly brought up your son to be a lazy, entitled half about father who leaves his mother to parent his children. You are blaming the wrong person. It’s not his ex’s fault he’s rubbish and you’re the reason he is. Time to shape up and actually start parenting your son properly and teach him to take responsibility for his children.

HRTFT but had to comment. No fucking wonder DS is such a deadbeat with you behind him with that attitude. I say that as someone who will never require (its' parenting not) childcare by an ex because I'm still married to our adult DC's DF. This can't be real, shame on you if it is.

Is your son paying you rent and bills? He must be saving a huge amount in any case so after a year should be able to move out if he’s realistic on area.

The ex is expecting a reasonable amount of childcare from the children's father, especially since you say they are high needs. Your DS is expecting an unreasonable amount of help from you. You shouldn't be doing the childcare for him unless you want to. They're his kids, he needs to be organizing his life so he can cover their care.

Think about what his ex has done - moved to a cheaper part of the country and works part time. It will be a sacrifice she pays for later in life when her pension is poor and she has no career. Your DS is using you so he doesn't have to make similar sacrifices. You don't have to accept it, but if you want to help your DS and DGC, it's lovely of you and your DS is very lucky.

Honestly? They are his children and you think his ex wife is asking him to have them too much? I don't understand how you are thinking, he's not a poor downtrodden soul, he's their father and he needs to step up. I think the problem is, understandibly, they are too much for you, therefore he needs to find his own place where he can be a proper father

I appreciate you can't answer every question..... but I'll ask mine again... who do toy think should be looking after your son's children?

So who pays for the kids' clubs when the ex has the children?

To be honest this post really is quite shocking. Childcare indeed.

I appreciate this is a shock to you and clearly you all needed a proper conversation about how this would work but he is barely doing anything so actually his ex is still dealing with a loser father here. It shouldn’t be your problem though - he needs to take care of his own kids. This entire situation is terrible for everyone so you need to figure out how he can earn better or learn to drive or stop leaning on mummy to babysit his kids. And yes, like most parents in the world he will
spend every single day of annual leave looking after his own children.

OP out of interest how much did you work when you were a single parent with young children?

Yes and most parents take all their annual leave to look after their children so there’s 3 days he’s got more than most

If he doesn’t have a medical reason not to drive, he needs to knuckle down to learning. And he should be covering about half the holidays. If you can’t cope with that, he needs to find a way to move out.

Op I think your doing enough for your ds he needs to do the parenting yes it’s crap about annual leave but it’s what most parents do if they work. Op it might seem a lot because your overwhelmed by the kids technically they are not your responsibility could you not go off somewhere to get a break see friends or family stay in a hotel?

It’s probably been said, I’ve not read the whole thread, but there are 13 weeks of school holidays in a year so yes your son should be doing his fair share.

@burnedoutgrandma
Why do you think he shouldn’t use his annual leave to cover school holidays? That’s what the majority of parents need to do. Including his ex. Why shouldn’t he? And you’re complaining that he has to pay for holiday club during his time too… why shouldn’t he? Why should all childcare in the holidays be funded by his ex?

You’re attitude and behaviour is really disgusting.