Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

I’m going to tell you the cautionary tale of my paternal grandmother OP.

She was a nasty old cow who refused to help my mum at all with any childcare after my parents separated when I was 8 and my brother was 4. She bothered seeing us less and less as time went on, to the point where by the time I was 12, I had no relationship with her at all.

My father pre deceased her, he was an only child. His funeral was the one and only time I ever saw her in my adult life.

She died alone in a nursing home 14 years later at the age of 95, leaving 2 grandchildren who had nothing to do with her and 4 great grandchildren she didn’t even know existed. I only found out that she had died when I received a letter from an heir hunter firm instructed by the local authority to find a next of kin. Nobody went to her funeral.

I would really think very carefully about how you want to handle this.

10 miles is a 20 minute Uber! He could bike it in an hour. Honestly OP, what a drama over nothing.

OP, why do you expect so much more from the ex than you do from your son?

She is doing practically everything for these kids day-to-day and yet you're making so many excuses for why your son can't step up and do closer to what would be a fair share.

Let's all hope that she never becomes ill or anything like that and your son ends up having to parent full-time.

Are they "high needs" kids with you and angels with her? I'm struggling to see how you think this means she needs less help, not more help, from her children's other parent.

Probably because of the level of enmeshment. A mother messaging her son's ex to say that it's too stressful for him to look after his own kids is odd, to say the least.

Your son sees his kids ever other weekend, which is absolutely minimal.
He actually wants to spend the holidays with them, but you want to block that. Imagine how sad he must be to not see them every day - that's if he's a half decent dad?
The mum is not asking for childcare - she's asking him to parent his own children.
He uses up most of his holiday allowance with his kids... How much do you think she has to use for hers?!
You barely seen the kids, but you and your son are "run ragged", yet she does the majority on her own.

So just because you had it tough and were unsupported when your ex left, the mother of your grandkids has just suck up that injustice too to have a miserable time too? Dont blame the ex DIL for this problem - blame your son for following in his fathers footsteps and dumping all the work of parenting on the women in his life, whether that be his wife or his mother.

I have sympathy with you as a grandmother being asked to do more childcare for longer periods and with more intense demands than you expected at this stage in your life, but this is your DSs problem. He should be prioritizing his children and parenting them, using his annual leave to spend time with them, paying fairly for their maintenance and yes, thinking about finding a job and home that would maximise his contact with them and ability to be part of their lives day to day

This has made me so angry.
Your son is in his thirty’s, living at home, can’t drive, chose to have three kids while he was earning £35k a year.
And has a mother that thinks he’s doing more than his fair share with every other weekend and a couple of weeks of holidays spent with his kids.
Hes even having his kids ferried about to get to him 🤦🏼‍♀️
OP, what do you think parents use their annual leave for? It doesn’t even cover a third of the school holidays. Do you expect him to have time to himself? Doesn’t he have enough of that as he hardly has his kids?
whats his plans? Never to pass his test? Stay living in his mums house? Stay in his job? He could earn just as much moving away from London.
I hope he disagrees with you about how much he sees his children?
his poor ex

Your son sounds completely useless and I suspect you have played a massive part in this. You are being so unreasonable I'm embarrassed for you. I don't even know where to begin.

In the interests of correctness, there are 3 half terms. But yes, the number of extra days- I think I counted 28- across the year is tiny and won't even push him into a different CMS band.

The problem is that your son is dumping parenting of his child on you. I DO NOT think you are being unreasonable to not want grandkids as much there when you are older. Mumsnet is awful for stuff like this. I hear you.
For this to be sorted your son needs to move out and parent his kids by himself and not make it your issue. You can then be gran and help out or not as suits you.
The BM is entitled to have the BF do his part in parenting the child. You need to not baby your son and make him shoulder his own responsibilities..
His responsibilitoes are not your responsibilities and that's where the mess comes from.

Gosh this must be a wind up. Im stunned at the way you are enableing your son and making every excuse under the sun as to why he "cant". OP, you live where you can afford and in your sons case he should be nearer his immediate family which are HIS kids. There is no umph on your end to encourage your son to move out..... only he "cant".

It is not childcare when they’re your own children.

Honestly op YABU
Complaining that your DS used most of his annual leave to look after his DC’s is beyond strange.
It’s outdated attitudes like this that cause grown men to expect not to have to care for their own children because that’s what their parents did.
Times move on and I’d say your DS is the one you should be criticising not his ex.
He’s got DC’s and it is his responsibility to provide a roof over their heads and share their care with their other parent

She’s not asking for too much. It might be too much for you to have them in the house but that’s an issue with your DS not having a home for his kids. It’s not an issue with his ex or his kids.

Having read all your posts. You have brought your son up to not take being a parent seriously, you have allowed and reinforced sexual stereotypes. You are exactly what give mother in law's a bad name. What if your son had to look after his children full time? He is a parent not a babysitter

Could you look into playschemes for during the day when the children are staying with you and he is at work? Could he take them away for a week or two so it’s not all happening in your house?

They get a school holiday every 6 weeks of the term I was counting it like that to be fair. I find it ridiculous that he has the kids so little and his mother still has the nerve to say it's too much

Yes, but only October, February and May are half terms. The Easter, Christmas and Summer breaks mark the end of each whole term. Either way, it's a total of 13 weeks and so both parents should be responsible for 6.5 of those weeks.

I think OP has taken on board what people are saying and says she will re-evaluate the holidays and admits she worded it wrong so think we can stop piling on.

Also, remember Mum moved away with the children so it should be on her to do most of the transporting.

OP, as part of the conversation regarding re-evaluating your decision about the holiday, you should speak to your son about how you feel and that it's too much for you. Maybe if he steps up with the kids more then it won't feel as overwhelming for you and you might not mind having them there more.

Why does OP need to look into it?! Her son can do it, they are his children after all.

It isn't too much for him to have them, of course. He's their father so 100 per cent of the time wouldn't be too much. But you are really saying it is too much for you, and as it's your home you're entitled to say that. But do remember that it's only childcare to you. It's parenting to him. Maybe he should take them on a cheap holiday, or maybe it's time for him to find his own place?
Edited to say: sorry, I didn't realise so many people had same the same thing. It sounds like you're rethinking, which is good. And yes, London rental prices are a killer!

OP said that the mum does 80% of the travelling.

3x half term holidays = 21 nights
4 days x-mas & Easter = 8 nights
2 weeks summer = 14 nights

EOW = 52 nights max (doesn't specify how much of weekend)

So, even with the most generous assumptions, he's only caring for his children 95 nights over a year, and only if his ex does a 3h round trip to deliver hhem to him.

95/365 = 26%

And instead of been embarrassed of this deadbeat, your complaining it's to much for him. You really need to stop enabling this entitled man-child

surely this is some sort of clickbait troll post?

So what, she’s asking the father of her children to have them 7 weeks of a 52-week year? The issue here is that you need to tell your grown up son to get his act together and be a father. How do you think she manages week in, week out?