Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

Fucking hell ive read it all now. And, ladies and gents - now we know how useless fathers come to pass, they are enabled by their own mothers. Lady - who is asking you to take time off to help him, newsflash - THEY ARE HIS CHILDREN. He cant drive!? Learn! he needs to earn more and move out - away from you who is dictating having his kids is too much. Just when i think ive read it all on mumsnet - something like this pops up and i am firmly slapped back into reality.

I think if you sit down and look at how many days she parents THEIR children and how many days your son is parenting she is more than doing enough… fortunately for him she is taking on the majority of the burden so he can work, socialise etc, you should tell him to step up

Get your manchild son to parent his own kid and the problem goes away

but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Don’t forget @burnedoutgrandma , none of us think that you should be there all the summer holidays. But he definitely does. That’s what a parent does, even though it wasn’t what you did.

he needs to cook, wash, clean for them and have fun and spend time with them. That’s literally a parent’s job.

can you go and visit a friend or take leave yourself so it doesn’t get too much for you? For at least some of the two weeks

If you live in London he has a massive area from which to chose. I commute an hour to work, as do many of the people I know.

Yes you are granny. Not mummy.

He should be doing all the parenting time on his time unless you agree to babysit.

Don’t let him replace his ex wife with you when it comes to parenting.

I can almost see why they split if she had to pick up the slack parenting your child because you clearly haven't.

He's very lucky to be able to live in your house.
Personally, I think he should start looking at other, more affordable areas where he could live and work, and do a fair share of parenting, in the future.
In the meantime, let him get on with it. He can use up his annual leave - that is what it's for! - and he can ask his work if a more flexible working arrangement might be possible. He can pay for some childcare/ kids' activities. You can leave it to him - it doesn't need to affect your work/ annual leave.

You need to leave arrangements with regards to contact to you son and his ex. I appreciate he is living in your home, and you are having to accommodate the children as well. Your son due to the distance involved to his ex's home, can't be doing any school runs, taking the children to appointments/clubs or seeing them during the week. Therefore his ex is doing all the daily grind of parenting, and your son isn't. Your son sees the children EOW, so it's not unreasonable for his ex to be asking him to have the children more during the school holidays.

Why are you taking annual leave to assist him? He's a grown adult, and he should be able to cope with the children without you. They are his children, not yours, so stop taking annual leave. Your son will have to pay for the children to go to holiday club, if he doesn't want to take all his annual leave or uses it up.

Ideally, he needs to move out of your property, but it doesn't appear that is going to happen any time soon, due to high rents. I suggest that you take annual leave when the children are at school. If you feel you need to help, then agree to taking 1 week off during the summer to help him out.

Can you say what industry he works in OP and maybe people can make suggestions re how he could earn more so he can move out and become independent?

You say he pays student loan so he has a degree? £35k with a degree after nearly 15 years in the workplace is really poor no? It’s just above entry level at my work (and that’s with no degree). Does he lack intelligence/motivation/work ethic?

Seriously??? He took 22 days out of his 25 days if annual leave to look after his own kids 😆 😂

The fact you them to be too much in your house is fair but the answer is for your son to move out and get his own place so he can spend more time with his children instead of your proposal which is for his ex to have the kids most of the time which means your son gets to live the bachelor life and not parent his kids. How does that make sense?

Then he MOVES to a cheaper place. His kids are his priority not staying near you which he obviously can't afford. It's not that difficult and he needs to grow up and prioritize his children.

Just because you did it does not mean it’s right. Just because you accepted your children dad being white doesn’t mean your DSs ex has to put up with it.

It's not childcare.
He should be having them half of all holidays and eow at the very least

You mean your ds is being a dad? He needs to move out and you need to butt out.

You need a serious reality check.

You have brought your son up to be a passive, pathetic MAN CHILD. I am embarrassed reading this thread.

His children - his responsibility. He needs to pull his finger out of his backside and have some fucking respect for the mother of his children.

Complaining about “using too much annual leave” to see his children is diabolical.

I thought everyone with a child spent 100% of their annual leave days with their child?!? You can still do something nice. You just have a kid with you. Because you are a parent.

The fact you thought everyone would jump on and agree with you is the most amusing part. Your views are disgraceful and your son is a waste of space.

YABVVU but he seems like he's trying to be a good dad and see his DC

I’ve read the original post three times now because I can’t believe the audacity. So much to unpick. OP it is absolutely unbelievable that you think DS shouldn’t use his annual leave to spend time with HIS kids, and that he shouldn’t pay for holiday clubs.
Yet another useless, waste of space man-child enabled by his mother.

Is this a fucking joke? Thats what parents do… pretty much all parents have to use their annual leave to cover school holidays. This is why there are so many useless dads out their.. because their own mothers are enabling them to be useless!! How the fuck do you think his ex copes?! Jesus Christ I can’t actually believe what I’m reading.

Yes its called parenting

He should have them HALF the holidays! And during the school days weekends

you should not be doing much extra work but its nice thst you do

as you should not be direct messaging her about arrangements thats his job

Where do you live? I am in south London and it’s possible to rent a 2 bed for £1700 pcm so not sure why he needs to live somewhere so expensive. You are acting as if he is helpless. Tell him to get a full
time job, move out and have his kids more. Most parents use annual
leave to spend time with their children, this isn’t an imposition. The issue here is not the ex, his kids or anything else it is that your DS is taking the piss out of you!

Is he going to pay for the holiday clubs then when he’s working and the DM is working ‘part time’ if he’s not going to have them 50% of the holidays?