Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

Couldn't you take a step back from helping him so much, just go to work as normal and leave him to it? It's only because he lives in your house that it is a problem to be honest, he's doing the right thing using all his holiday to accommodate his children, but it shouldn't require you to do the same.

It sounds like you are voluntarily contributing a little too much in fairness, then resenting her (instead of him).

Most modern women aren't willing to tolerate this. We don't have to and sound like she didn't like it either. She's quite in her right to push for 50/50. He's not doing his fair share with what you describe. Good Dads I know in this scenario move closer to their kids.

The point is HE could move somewhere cheaper and commute to work. The same as millions of other Londoners.

His ex will get somewhere between 4 & 5 weeks annual leave. He will get the same. There are 13 weeks school holidays. You do the maths. I offer XH holidays. He sometimes says yes. He sometimes says no. He sometimes jumps ship a few days before the holiday starts and holiday club bookings have closed. So frankly, it's less stressful if I organise it so it's covered without him. But at £30 a day that's money I'm not spending on DD. And no, his CMS doesn't touch the sides.

You have a deeply sexist attitude to this OP, and you're babying your son. He's a grown man and a father, not your little brave soldier. If you're traditional as you claim, why didn't you raise him to be an independent adult who can provide for his children without the need for women to pick up his slack? Or did you think men should have all the rights and none of the responsibilities?

Stop providing childcare for him, its utterly ridiculous, you wouldn't be doing it if your son was your daughter.

It should involve none of your annual leave but it is not childcare for him to spend time with his own children.

Every other weekend is literally the bare minimum.

The holidays give him a step up. How can you think it's ok to barely know your children just because that's how you did it?

My mind is blown, as you have lived it you'd think you would want more for your grandkids.

Make sure you’re not automatically doing it all for him, he should be pulling his weight and you should get to step right back when he’s at home.

If he didn't have a parent who was able and willing to accommodate him, he'd be living somewhere else; he'd have no choice. Time for him to go.

Most working parents use their annual leave for their kids in the holidays, I know I do. I mean you chose to allow your adult son to move back home surely you knew he would be having his kids over?if you didn't want them there on a regular basis you should have told him to find his own home to take his kids to. Their mum is allowed a break from them too. A few days to a week in the holiday and a few weekends isn't really much compared to how much they're with their mum is it

Respectfully OP it sounds like you and your partner are at different life stages. His priority are his kids and rightly so. Your partner shouldnt of moved in with you as he has kids.

Why is it that you're looking after them so much when they're visiting, OP? Why can't your son look after them instead?

I'm really struggling to get my head around where you're coming from but I just can't. You keep saying that you had something else in your head and that what the ex is asking for isn't what you're used to, but how? You say that you're still working but close to retirement age, so you're really not that old. How is it that you are still holding on to such outdated sexist ideas about childcare being a woman's role. Even my dad wouldn't look at it like that, and he's nearly 90!

Is that why you're doing so much when the children visit? Because he's a man and you assume it's too much for him? If it wasn't too much for you to look after your dc as a single parent when he was a kid, then why would it be too much for him to step up for just a few weeks each year?

It's her son, not her partner!

Why have posters mixed this up?? It’s her son that’s moved in with her, not partner.

And your response to that . . . is to encourage another man to think that parenting is optional? Got to say, I'm struggling to follow your logic.

She's not asking you for anything, your son is. Stop shifting blame, and work on your own internalised misogyny.

Dont be ridiculous.
Him parenting his kids every other weekend plus some holidays is very minimum parenting.

I can't look. You are going to get roasted on here. The biggest bugbear on here is men considering parenting time as babysitting for the benefit of/as a favour for the mother. To hear an actual woman say it takes the whole thing to another level. HE'S NOT BABY SITTING. THEY ARE HIS OWN CHILDREN. IF SHE GETS RUN OVER BY A BUS TOMORROW THEY ARE LIVING WITH HIM FOREVER. He needs to provide them with a home. You need to cut the apron strings. When they are with their mum, is she said to be doing the dad a favour by babysitting for him? Nobody says that, do they?

Sorry my mistake! Well OPs son shpuld move nearer to his kids and its cheaper. Hes an adult and is very lucky his mum has space to put him up in the 1st place. Long term hasnt he been saving OP? He cant live with you forever.

Dear god woman - expect better from your son!! Have some standards. They are his children FFS, your grandchildren! Do you not want them having a relationship with their dad? What do you think their mum does???

U should not be parenting his kids.
He spends very minimum time parenting, so should be doing that not you.
Even every other week and some of the school holidays is not 50%. Its actually hardly any time at all.

So TWO whole half terms-out of the SIX half term holidays and FOUR DAYS out of the whole two weeks Easter holidays. Then TWO weeks out of the almost 7 weeks of the summer holidays-oh and the small chunk of the Christmas holidays too? Is she supposed to be grateful really? You said the mum works too, so where do you think her time comes from for the rest of the holidays?oh yes she has to use her annual leave entitlement too. Don't come on here like your precious golden boy is hard done by for doing less than the bare minimum contact with HIS OWN children. How selfish of you to even dare to ask if this pittance is too much

I'm sorry op, your son is a bit more than useless, has he initiated any changes so pressure isn't on you so much? Is there a way to split the living situation or have a caravan on the driveway so you have more space? I think at the very least he should not expect you to take holiday to help him parent his own children.

Stop giving too much of yourself away, if he is just plodding along with no plan give him a kick up the backside and get a 5yr plan down, sit him down and work this out in a real way, he cannot live with you forever and do SOME of his share of parenting.

So you think the mother of your grandchildren shouldn't be supported by the children's father because you had to just get on with it?

So she should reduce her earning potential which is already limited as she works part time to support your hers and your son's shared children while your precious little boy lives with you, complacent and not willing or able to find either higher paying work or lower cost living independently.

Do you see how utterly backwards that is? That you expect a single mother with 3 children to be able to afford housing and childcare and support and feed the children and provide the children with all the necessities they need to thrive on a very reduced hour contract, meanwhile your precious son who works enough to have 25 days of annual leave couldn't possibly be expected to break a sweat simply because he has a cock and balls?

Maybe it's time to stop being so misogynistic "old fashioned". Know better, do better.

Hold your son accountable if you can't cope with all of this happening under your roof.

Big Volvos and Range Rovers are by far the most inconsiderate and dangerous drivers round my area

This is my first ever ‘is this a reverse?’ post as you seriously CANNOT be for real.

These are your grandchildren! Or am
I completely missing something???