Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

Taking aside the fact you think your ex DIL should shoulder the childcare herself, do you think it’s ok that your son just doesn’t see the children?! They’ve been through a major life change and want stability. You don’t have to do the parenting work when he is at yours but they are a package deal really.

She is ten miles from nearest rail station and that one has no direct bus to the town ex is living. He would have to get a coach or train to a nearish city and then take a legnthy bus journey from that city. That is the most direct route. I am really hoping that I am not being too outing.

What has he done in the time he's been home to improve his situation? Its been over a year apart ftom cms and travel he should have been able to save a decent amount surely or is the plan now he lives at home forever

The ex is NOT asking too much of her son. Your son is asking too much of you. Have you told him this yet OP? I know you’ve heard it a lot on this thread but it is completely normal for parents to use all their annual leave taking care of their children. Your son can enjoy child free time in the 12/14 days in term time when his ex had the children.

So mum has to deal with childcare because you think its too much for your son to have HIS kids. You dont need to take annual leave to help him look after HIS children

I also assumed this was rage bait. Because even if you think it’s normal for mums to take primary custody, surely you still think that your son has a responsibility to see his children and spend holidays with them. Making it sound like his ex is taking advantage because she asked that he have his children for a couple of weeks in the holidays is crazy. They’re his children and he wants to see them and even if he had them for a few weeks in the holidays, she’s still doing the majority. So why on earth would you act like your son is a victim for seeing his children?

But hes not doing 50/50? Or even close?

I'm sure the ex would happily pick him up from the rail station rather than do the full journey herself!
He should get an air BnB near her to stay at when it's his time with the children, lots of parents do in that situation

Change child care to parenting for a start. She asking him to see his kids and be a responsible dad. You are indeed getting in the way of this. You knew his children would be coming to your home to see dad. I think you need to reconsider this arrangement and let your son know he needs to find a place if his own. Your grandchildren are obviously too much for you.

That sounds about his share of the school holidays. So of course he should be having them. She also has to take AL to have them when they are off when ex isn't having them. If it is a problem for you then you need to take it up with DS.

So how have his circumstances improved within the last year?

What has he done to better himself and thus his children?

Or has he just lived with you and has his children every so often?

Has he heard of a taxi?

You should honestly think about becoming a defense barrister @burnedoutgrandma because you have come up with every excuse under the sun

Why on earth are you and your son looking at him parenting his kids as unpaid childcare. He barely has them the mum has to manage and feel grateful that he bothers to have them a few times a year? Maybe he should move into his own home and look after his kids himself rather than running back to mummy's

Goodness me. You know the mum will have to book time off work to look after the children. Expecting to look after 3 high needs children 1 week out of the 6 weeks holidays is not enough. Surely?!

I see on here so much about people saying that gp are expected of too much and do a lot of childcare so I was expecting different opinions.

If she was expecting YOU to provide childcare then you would have a point, but she isn't, she is expecting the father of her children to do his fair share of looking after their children.

The fact that he lives with you and you take time off work to 'help' him when the kids are there is really not her problem. Your son is the one responsible for putting that pressure on you, not her.

of course you are HIS Mum. What an embarrassing post

I will admit I shouldn’t have said childcare. I think I was speaking for myself in that I do feel that when they are here I am doing a lot of looking after them. I think in my mind I had something very different in my head and obviously I am wrong.

I understand why it is too much for you, but it's not too much for him to have his children it's not childcare. If you can't cope with that he needs to move out and maybe that's not to where his ex lives and maybe it's a longer commute to his work but he had children he needs to support them and see them.

HIs lack of driving will also be a reason that he is expected to have the children for blocks of time, rather than days at a time.. he is expecting her to do all the drop offs and pick ups, so she will not be wanting to do those journeys any more than absolutely necessary.

Not being able to drive because he keeps failing is ridiculous with three children, he needs to get himself sorted.

You sound like my ex husband’s mother. Stop mothering your adult son with excuses. You are not helping him in any way. The children have 2 parents that need to step up. Your son doesn’t even do shared care and by your own wording. Neither of you can cope. What do you think she does.

Its her son...

With respect I live in Devon and can be in London in under two hours. My sister dotes on my children, and lives in Kent, and visits more than your son sees his kids. People that want to be involved make it happen.

What is it that your son can't do?

Why do you end up taking time off work when the children are at your house?

‘It’s a lot on him’ … ‘we are run ragged’ …. ‘I have to take time off to help him’ … ‘it’s a big chunk of his holiday’

And yet considering your ex DIL does 80-90% parenting while on her own you still feel she shouldn’t be asking anymore?

My lovely DM has nearly 20 years on you and when my DB spilt from his wife she was all over him to ensure he kept up his share of parenting and didn’t become a Disney dad. This is not a generational view, this is a ‘you’ view and you need to adjust it-and quickly!

Sure isn't that your fault then?
Why are you doing a lot of looking after them... what is their actual father doing? Because it certainly isn't house hunting or job hunting.