Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

That makes sense - A 2 bed around Northfields (random example) is around £2k per month.

ETA - quote function failed. I was quoting OP stating rent is 2k - West side Picc line.

Hahaha - what do you think he should be using his leave for - lads holidays?!

strangely I used all my leave looking after my ow kids too. Bloody nightmare 😂

if there is no public transport where his children live, it’s likely a cheaper area, and it seems like that is the compromise his ex has had to make to be able to house and parent her children.

your son should do likewise.

he should move to her area where he can afford a house and can then actually parent his children.
his job isn’t a particularly good one, so it’s not worth clinging to London for.

How much annual leave should he take to look after his own children? I use 100% of my annual leave to look after my children.

Would it be cheaper for him to rent somewhere if he moved to where his ex lives? If so, then surely that would make sense logistically as well.

I understand it’s a lot on you having the kids underneath your roof all the time, but your son needs to parent his children and come up with a solution.

So you enable your son to be a crap dad and bolster the opinion that he's hard done by? You're one of "those" women - nice!

No consideration for the mum who holds it together day in day out, doing the absolute lions share, physically and mentally. Probably doing all the Drs, dentists, school admin, chauffeuring, parties and social life etc. But woe is me for your poor son.

Guess what - we are not back in 1990, it's called parenting, not childcare. He should be able to look after his own kids without mummy's help!

He's clearly not got a great job if only £35k in London in his mid 30's. He should find a different job and move closer to his kids. Or maybe rent a studio flat towards the great transport links around Heathrow (Piccadilly Line) and see his kids at your place when they come down.

You really are being totally unreasonable and enabling your pretty useless son.

And what else do you think he should prioritise his annual leave for if not his kids?

I think it’s a good that you’ve taken on the feedback and change your mind about the visiting. I do think you need to let him parent his children without you sacrificing so much.

Agree with he needs to move out. You are NBU to want more peace and quiet ǹow you are older. But he is a father with shared childcare responsibilities. You living together just isn't feasible for now. And you don't have to 'help', he's a grown man. (I get the feeling of your son was a daughter your urge to help would be much less strong...)

I cannot think of anywhere within a 1 hr 20 min drive from London which is not within a short Uber ride of a train station which will take you directly to the centre. The home counties are not set up well for travelling between counties but they are very well set up for getting to London.

The problem is that you are conflating two issues.

Your issue is how much time you can cope with the kids being there. The childcare issue is your sons to deal with.

What you can do is say "I can't have the kids here as often as they have been, its too much for me" and then let him sort it out himself. Either he renegotiates with his ex or he moves out, but the point is that it is HIS problem to solve not yours.

OP do you think you are trying to punish this poor woman because you had a hard time? Just because you had to do it all doesn't mean she has to. Don't take it out on her.

It sounds like your son would do more if he could. You are damaging your sons relationship with his children, you are literally taking 3 children away from their father. That's disgusting. He made them, he is just as responsible for them as his ex is. Financially and physically! You don't stop being a parent because you break up with the mother. You are really irrelevant in the equation. If you are stepping in to act like a parent when they are there that's on you. You don't need to be exhausted, you're choosing to involve yourself where it isn't your place. Go out, see friends, let your son be a parent. You don't need to be there. Work when you need to, you don't need to take time off. Keep your nose out of their parenting arrangements. If he has to pay for childcare on his time that's fine. That's what happens when you have sex, you pay for your resulting children.

It's hard to believe you are for real honestly

I agree with a pp, why is he bothered about staying in London to be close enough to a job that doesn't pay enough to survive in London? He needs to start looking for a job nearer his children that will allow him to move closer and share the load.
Weekends and holidays is still not the same as school runs and homework and rushed evenings for clubs!

I'd be proud of a son doing his best in a shitty circumstances to still be a dad - I'm sure he's not thrilled that hes in his 30s living with his mum and is clearly taking any chance he can to have his kids.

I can not believe you'd encourage less contact tbh and yes hes using his annual leave, what do you think mums doing with hers for the rest of the holidays?

It's probably hopefully been said to death this many pages in but, have a little think about wtf it is your saying here. That is your grandkids. You don't have to want them around but if he does, suck it up and let him do his best and help her out.

Son needs to get his own place, he needs to figure out how to do this. Move out from your's- change job? Commute?

Needs also to learn to drive also.

Children have approx. 13 weeks off per year, he'll need to look after his children for approximately half of these, so for all of his holiday.

The his ex can work full time too. Modern day life OP ( both parents work and get bloody tired!).

Omg these are his children!!!!

You know every town and village?

I don’t want to say where she lives but it is south west of England.

Your son must step up as he is their father, but it is up to you how much you help you offer. Do you have a job yourself?

Can he not at least move to somewhere else in the South West. Rents would be cheaper. He could potentially apply for a job in that region too - if he's currently on £35k in London, it doesn't sound like he's got a glittering career that he won't be able to walk away from. Does he not want to step up and be a proper parent? Do you not want him to be an important person in his children's lives?

I really can't understand your way of thinking. These are your son's children and you seem so thoroughly uninterested in them - like they're his ex's children and he just helps out occasionally. Would you have been happy to have such minimal involvement in your son's life when he was growing up?

Imagine the children as adults looking back.

It’s not a wind up. I can see I have obviously underestimated how much contact would happen and that I am obviously thinking of what I am used to. I know 50:50 is more common but i definitely did not think it was the norm.

You should be having Sunday afternoon visits from your son and grandchildren not having them all live in your house for weeks.

I think you are too accepting of your son's situation and he needs your encouragement to sort himself out with somewhere to live and to pass his driving test.

You probably won't care about their childcare arrangements once it no longer directly impacts you.

But your ds isn't even being asked to do 50/50? For most of the year, he only sees them for one weekend every fortnight.

The only place without any rail connections to London is North Cornwall, which is a lot further than 1 hr 20 mins than London.

YANBU with regards to the impact on you but if your son being a father is too much which im not disagreeing with he needs to review his housing.
YABU with basing your opinion on how you handled/ had to deal with this and that this should be the same and he shouldn't pull his weight. My view is he should be having them 50% of the hols. Using all his annual leave for childcare, that's what I've done for the last 14 yrs. There's 13 weeks of school holidays so that's 65 days to cover. Her job/ working hours are essential as primary parent but doesn't really matter
My parents think my ex deserves a medal having them slightly more than every other weekend. Me 70% of the time nothing 🤣