Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

You are writing this as if it’s a rational thing to think/perfectly acceptable viewpoint.

WHY do you think mothers should do more of the parenting than fathers?

i would wager it’s because you think it’s fine for women to be run ragged, after all you were; but not for men. And that, op, is misogyny. You think men are deserving of more rest than women.

But he doesn't have all his family there. His children live 80 minutes away.

He should be providing 50% of the holiday cover.
DH and I both work work f/t, use all our leave to cover childcare (ie parenting) and then use paid childcare to fill the gaps.
Covering school holidays can be a real nightmare and your DS definitely needs to cover his fair share.

'Childcare'

He has a parental responsibility and should be willing to share 50/50. He needs to move out and be a proper parent if its too much for you. Had to read this 3 times over as I couldn't believe what I was reading

I don’t mean to be rude but your views are very outdated. Parenting children, life admin and housework should be 50/50. Your son could also look for accommodation nearer to where his children live, they are his children after all.

It isn't childcare, it's called parenting and he should be doing as much of it as he can. Why are you taking time off to help? Why is your son incapable of looking after his own children by himself, that is the issue, poor children.

The point is she is asking your son to have his children - it is not her problem that he lives with you. You also say you feel you have to help him - you don’t. You can’t get away from having them in your house if this is the set up but you don’t need to use your annual leave - it is for him to sort. So it is not a case of too much being expected of grandparents - she wants your son to actually parent his children. And what is sadder is that you have said he would like to have them but it’s you that has said it is too much. You need to back off - things have (thankfully) moved on and men should be just as involved and invested in their children’s lives as the women are.

I’ll bite. This categorically has to be a a reverse.

If you supporting your son means you erecting barriers to him looking after his own children, then he has to go.

You should be supportive of him being a significant part of his children’s lives, and (heaven forbid) use his annual leave looking after his own children. If that gets in the way of your plans and life, and understandably it might as I’m sure this wasn’t part of your life plan, then again he has to go.

What you can’t do is have him live with you like a child, and not support him looking after his own children.

I get the impression that him staying with you and playing an active role in his children’s lives (as his mother is!) are mutually exclusive. In which case…he has to go!

Give your head a serious wobble!
she parents how many times a week, uses her a/l and probably unpaid care leave when her “high needs” children can’t or don’t want to be in school etc; but its too much for your precious son. FOH!!
they are his children if she determines he has 50/50 custody what are you going to say then??
its always the delusional mother-in-law poking their beak in!

Why can't he move to the "much cheaper" area 90 mins away as his ex has done? He'd find childcare more convenient then too, less travelling!

This is her son she has let move in not a boyfriend.

I find this situation infuriating. My brother is in a similar situation. He moved in with my mum nearly 5 years ago after he split up from his wife. He has 2 children who stay with them a lot. My mum takes them to school, picks them up, pays for things. She’s moved out of her own room & into the box room to accommodate them. I think he needs to move out & take the responsibility back because he’s happy to let her do it for him as it seems you are for your son. They’re his children & his responsibility in terms of parenting, financial aspects, taking annual leave. It’s what the rest of us have to do.

polotley YABU. They’re his kids. Just because you had it hard when you divorced doesn’t mean he has to be equally shitty

But the tone of that comment suggests you weren't happy with your ex's conduct and yet defending your son for doing it.

Even if they were still together he'd still be taking a huge chunk of his a/l to spend with his family. It's his child after all!

And WTF do you think she's having to give up to provide 90% of the childcare for THEIR children???

Unbelievable.

OF COURSE that's what he should be using his annual leave on ... THEY'RE HIS CHILDREN TOO! They are not just her responsibility.

If you find it overwhelming, then tell him he has to move out. Perhaps closer to his own children so he can provide 50% of the care for them to give his poor ex more of a break.

I’m sorry but this is just awful on your part and his.

When my DP and his EW split he moved in with parents. They said having the kids round was too much so do you know what he did? He moved out! No grudges held but his kids came first and he was going to move heaven and earth to ensure he still got to see them.

i would have no respect for a man who swanned off back to mummy’s house and then didn’t see them because it didn’t suit his mother. He needs to look for a job closer to his kids and step up.

You can say you don’t want your grandkids to come round but he should move out if that’s the case. At the very least he could hire an Air BNB during the holidays to take them to, but he absolutely shouldn’t see them less.

Did you mistake him for a partner? So did i at first
It's her son who has 3 kids.

@burnedoutgrandma Starting to feel sorry for you because you obviously haven't noted that times have changed (a long time ago so I don't know where you've been). A child is both parents responsability. But you are not the parent here; you are the grand-parent so you are not responsable for your grand kids. Is there a reason why your son can't take care of his children by himself and needs you to help him? Does he have a learning disability? That would make sense with him not being able to pass his driving test.

To get to his exes town he would have to take an hour train then a two hour bu to get to them. It is closer driving but not by using public transport.

So has he even looked into driving?

I would have thought a priority would be a way of living somewhere affordable as near as possible to his kids & a tolerable commute.

As an aside, whichever degree he did which has resulted in at the age of mid-thirties, even with London weighting, still paying a student loan, still earning lower than the national average - was not a good choice if degree.

Why do you have so much internalised misogyny, OP? @burnedoutgrandma

OP’s son needs to find a job that works around childcare, just like most parents do. I’m assuming he isn’t paying rent, so it shouldn’t be a problem for him to put his kids in holiday clubs if need be. He can figure it out, just like mothers do.

P.s. your son earns 35k a year, it’s nonsense to say he can’t afford to move out. I was on 35k a year as a lone parent and I was able to buy a house (cheap part of the country so got it for circa 180k) and pay my mortgage, childcare and all other bills.

If he moved closer and took on childcare he wouldn’t have to pay CMS, or he’d pay less. Plus if his ex doesn’t claim UC he could move out and claim it towards rent/childcare expenses in order to ensure he could afford rent in your area or closer to their mum. Your son just can’t be bothered to figure out how to care for his kids.

Every parent I know uses all their annual leave to cover school holidays. That's just what you do.

You don't have to do any of it, your son needs to sort out actual childcare where his parenting needs to fit around his work.

If it is all too disruptive for you, he should probably look for his own household.