Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

Also, you can absolutely travel into central London from zone 2-6 or beyond! And you can get a flat for much less than the OP is saying in those places. Plus it doesn't even have to be a two bed.

It’s not childcare it’s parenting.

If you feel you’ve taken too much annual leave to help, then don’t take any time off yourself, let him parent his own child.

I don’t think this is an exDIL problem but a DS problem! He needs to step up and parent his children! Just because you did all the childcare when you split up from your dc dad, doesn’t mean that is the right thing to happen, and your ex should hang his head in shame that he didn’t step up for his children. Honestly, if my son left his wife to raise the children on her own, I’d be mortified and also, I would not be enabling him by doing all the parenting to his children because he lives with you now. He needs to step up and take responsibility!

Serious question, OP: what do you think he should be doing with his annual leave other than spending it with his kids?

You should have thought about being old and his kids being high needs before settling down.
how do you think their mother does and why do you think she should do it all?

It would not work.for him

He isn't on a decent wage. He'd be a much better father moving out if London to be near his kids in his own cheap flat with a crappy job than his miserable setup now.

Why don't you start parenting him and tell him to get a grip.

OP can your DS not find a wealthy woman with a big house on the Piccadilly Line and move in with her? How attractive and charming can he be?

You are Absolutely being unreasonable.
you said your son , their dad would have them if you didn’t step in and that’s the key thing here.. he’s their dad , you are not! He needs to move out if you don’t want your grandchildren to stay with their father!
Annual leave when you have kids is normally spent looking after them/spending time.
why do you not think he should parent the children he chose to have with his ex?
you need to seriously think about that

Oh and FYI.. I use ALL of my annual leave on looking after my children when they are off school, as does their Father (split between us so we get very little time off all together). It’s not a choice we have, it’s what has to be done. We also split who looks after our children when they are unwell, as your son should be doing.

One big point that you’re clearly missing is that this shouldn’t be about your son or his ex (or even you), but about their children and their happiness.

He’s her son, not her partner! Not sure compatibility comes into it!

Boohoo your son used 21 days annual leave.

His ex is doing the hard graft all week with the kids as well as working. Least he can do is the holidays.

I hate when it’s other women enabling men to shirk responsibility. If he was still married he’d be expected to do far more than he is. He has an easy ride in many respects.

He should be moving nearer to her if he can’t afford where he lives and helping out far more than he is. But then he wouldn’t be the fun dad doing just the holidays…

Wow there's a lot of projection here. There is no evidence at all that the DS was to blame for the break up, or wanted his kids to live so far away, or that he doesn't want to spend more time with his kids. It's the OP who is understandably struggling with 3 small kids in the house.

My exh is pretty lazy when it comes to the hard work of childcare, but even he has the kids half of the school holidays (just about) and doesn’t ask his new partner or his Mum to do it.

My youngest is just getting to the end of the time when it’s needed for someone to always been off or to be in holiday club though- but not old enough to completely be left to his own devices (because it would be devices, ie screens). But I mean when they were younger.

Ut they are still in her house which is the issue

YABVU. Don’t get involved. I understand they are at your house but it isn’t your responsibility to sort childcare

if your son needs to use holiday clubs so be it. It shouldn’t all be on their mum. Honestly.

So the solution is he moves out and parents...

Even my dad, who wasn’t massively hands on, took all his annual leave in the school hols, and my Mum was a SAHM. It wouldn’t have occurred to him not to, or to have time off all to himself in the week. It just wasn’t a thing.

I've read all the OPs posts and I think the responses on the thread are getting through to her. And to be fair, she came on to ask if she WBU and has heard a resounding yes.

For what it's worth, I think it's disgraceful that childcare is always the mum's problem. If she 'wants' to work, it's often the case that she needs to pay for childcare out of her wages. With no understanding that her not working enables the father to work. Childcare costs. If the father paid the mother minimum wage for the hours of childcare she did he would be very much worse off.

Parents should cover school holidays 50:50. Either take annual leave or pay for a holiday club. The mum having the children more is offloading the childcare burden onto her without any regard for her annual leave entitlement or cost of holiday clubs.

OP I hope you've seen the light and are now supportive of your DS having the children during the holidays. You find them relentless and there's 2 of you. There's only one of her. Imagine how tired she is.

Like I said I hardly got any help I just got on with his so did the other people

So why arnt you saying this to your own son? Tell him he just needs to get on with it?

You are putting too much pressure on the mother. Your son needs to do more and his ex needs to do less.

I don't think I used more than 3 days annual leave that wasn't with my kids the whole time they were growing up!

Whether or not the mother works isn't " enabling" the father to do so in this case though

No one is saying you should do it.

We are saying your son should do it.

Its completely consistent with people saying GPs shouldn’t have to do childcare unless they want to.

If his home cannot accommodate his children, it is not a suitable home for him to live in, so the mother is not providing him with a suitable home, therefore, she is basically evicting him by stealth. If his children can't be there, it's not his home.

Yes I appreciate that. I was talking about the habits they got into when she was a SAHM.