Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

Whilst I completely understand that ypu feel like the children are too much for YOU. They are your DS children. He is not providing childcare, he is spending time with his children. Having to use annual leave to do so is just part and parcel of parenting, especially when split unfortunately.

I know you said you are used to doing all the child rearing when your children were younger and your DS father only saw him occasionally bit do you actually think its right? Just because it was the done thing back then doesn't mean its right. The children deserve both parents in their lives as much as possible. Thinking your DS can and should take a back seat now he has spilt from their mother is not the way to think.

If he absolutely needs to live with you, maybe your DS needs to take the children out more. So they are not in your home all day every day.

Also, your friends will think your grandchildren are there a lot because I bet most of their own children and grandchildren dont live with them, which is a completely different scenario.

FWIW @burnedoutgrandma your name says it all. But this is the result of him moving home. Tbh, he’s saving money living with you. He could put them in holiday club and pay for it, it’s too much for you.

you do need to step back a bit for your own health.

HE is responsible for his kids, so his home is their home. If she has made her home his home, it's their home too. Simple.

She wasn’t the one who swanned off and left the other parent high and dry. That would be the DS’s dad.

ETA and the DS is mid-30s and a father of three. he’s a grown man who can figure out good and fair behaviour. Whatever happened in his childhood.

Did he really move in with you “because of the COL” or because he wanted to keep as much as possible of his money to himself? Does he have a plan to find his own place?

What area does she live that’s an hour by train then two by bus from
Central london? I’m struggling to believe there’s no trains that would get him closer.

How old are the children?

Your attitude is why women can’t progress their careers and carry the mental load with children. OF COURSE he should parent his dc. Eow during term time, fine, but of course he should have them 50:50 in school holidays.

You don’t need to get involved. He takes time off and organises holiday clubs/ pays for childcare for the days he is working. Other working parents do this, we don’t have enough AL to cover all school hols.

Yes he needs to do one or the other.

Look after them (himself) or pay for holiday club. He can use some of the money he’s saving on housing!

It's less than half the holidays and 98% say YABU.

However if you can't cope with them in your house then you don't have to let them stay and of course you don't have to take annual leave. I would suggest your son rent an Airbnb for a week somewhere and take them on holiday. It doesn't need to be Cornwall prices., lots of eating out, beaches. Just a change of scene with a few things to do in the area, or maybe camping if he is up for that but it's harder work.

Hol clubs and/or unpaid parental leave are normal options these days that many families use because annual leave doesn't cover the school hols. Your son should look into these and stop expecting you to take annual leave for him

Nope, that’s not how it works. You’re again just repeating what you want to be the case.

He is responsible for his children, not his mother. His responsibility does not become his mother’s because he lives with her. Similarly, she also wouldn’t be responsible for paying maintenance if he became unemployed.

Google tells me that school holidays are 65-70 days a year, so 22 days is far less than his share.

if she isn’t working why is she trying to get him to take the kids over the school holidays?

Does his ex go away at all? If so could he stay at hers to look after them instead?

He got three annual leave days to himself? That’s lovely for him!

I use all of mine of “childcare” (ie looking after my children), every single one.

Thats the norm. Three annual leave days to oneself, before the kids are teens and more self sufficient, is a luxury. Unless you’re prepared to make up for using your AL in term time by paying for lots of holiday clubs.

Edit - I’m also taking some unpaid parental leave this year. Lots of parents take a bit each year or buy additional annual leave, depending on how their workplace does it.

It's not easy, I've done it myself, I had to move and change jobs entirely for something that would work for my family set up. A contractor on a building site can find other contracting work, for example, it doesn't always have to be exactly the same. Needs must, when you're a parent.

She does work, and he should be parenting his kids the same amount of time that the mother does. All year round.

I would encourage him to use his annual leave to take his children in holiday when he has them for a full week. Then you get a break.

If it's too much for you, do you have other DC you can go and visit while they are in your home? Or when you go on holiday?

He needs to be a part of his children's lives as much as possible.

OP there are 14 school holiday weeks a year, so I would expect your son to have his kids for 7 weeks a year. YABU.

He needs to find his own home. Pronto.

Well she is working.

But even if she wasn't -why should she do all the school holidays & why wouldn't he want to take time off & do some?

Maybe because she's tired of parenting by herself all year and wants a break?

Maybe because she wants to increase her hours in her PT job?

Maybe because she thinks the children have a right to a relationship with their father?

Maybe because she thinks the father should step up and be a parent?

Why do you think she shouldn't ask him to do half of the holidays?

If he's not paying rent and he is earning £35k, then he can afford to take them to an Airbnb / Travelodge every holiday to get out of your hair. Their mum has them 90% of the time - he needs to step up!

No, she is definitely not asking too much.
"It's a lot on him to have him for big chunks'

He doesn't have them for big chunks. How would he cope if something happened to the mother? Would he just expect the exes mother or family to be the primary parent and he'd still just do EOW and a week here and there?