Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

They're her grandkids, she's talking about her son.

She’s fully within her rights to be ‘outrageous’. It’s her house.

You can of course think she should suck it up, but there’s no getting around the fact that she by no means has to.

I think it’s normal that your son takes care of his children as and when is needed and it shouldn’t be any of your business. It’s the fact they are under your roof and I totally get its tiring tor you. I’m’m not sure what the answer to that is given the housing crisis .

Maybe but if he was the mother he would be finding a suitable job and home for the children.

Since he is the dad it seems his life must not change. Because he doesn’t have to.

Unless mum just dumps the children on him that is.

Holy cow!

He should be having the kids half the holiday - so half of each main holiday and every other half term. So that’s three weeks in the summer, not one.

Then what he needs to do is make sure he’s doing the work so it doesn’t impact on you. He needs to take all his annual leave in the holidays if needs be, and pay for holiday clubs for the rest of the time. You shouldn’t be taking any annual leave to look after them unless you actively want to.

You say they are “high needs kids” and exhausting but think how knackered their mum must be if she has 5 weeks of the summer hols!

And if two weeks of the holidays is a lot of annual leave for him, then it’s also alot for her!

He has to take responsibility for his children, so her options are to kick him out, or allow the children into her house. His children now come as part of the package- she cannot offer a home for him which does not include them.

You are CHOOSING to take time off to help your son because he cannot manage HIS children without you. You’d be better off letting him learn to cope.
and your comment about using 22 of his 25 days holiday…..I have not taken a day’s holiday for myself since my children were born. This is normal for working parents until the children are older. I can’t understand your pov at all

50% is the norm for a parent who was 50% responsible for the creation of the offspring.

I hear you re rents and CMS etc but if he had 50/50 care he would have CMS payments in most cases.

The problem is he’s already allowed her to move away and not gone through the courts to set a correct schedule.

But absolutely he should be having 50% of the holidays and parents using AL for this is standard - their mum will have to do the same.

Your ds has been culpable in the current set up. But good on him for taking his kids more.

what he needs to do now is learn to drive (unless medically he cannot). Find somewhere to live a little further away that he can still commute to work reasonably but that is cheaper. Or find work near where his kids are. Make sure the CMS payment reflect the amount he actually has his children rather than what they both stated was true (which will help him afford things better).

He could also look for a second job as his children are only with him EOW which will help affordability.

Im not going to slate your son because because it sounds like he wants to step up as a father but I also think you have an old fashioned attitude towards separations and the parents role and can see you have accepted this.

I know this is drastic but is there anyway he could afford to rent you a 1 bed and he lives in the house? I appreciate that’s asking a lot but it may well be a solution that allows him to be the father he wants to be and for you to be the man you want to be and enjoy your retirement in peace!

Wow these replies are terrible against the OP. Not sure if there has been a significant post update but from the OP, it’s HER house, she finds the children being there too much so imo she is NBU. The son needs to sort his life out, and realise the situation he has put his mother in, I don’t think the OP is unreasonable in the slightest.

I do actually have a bit of sympathy for you. I’m about retirement age (I have 2 sons paying off student loans and 1 still at university, so that’s not unusual) and I wouldn’t want three children, grandchildren or not, staying with me for that length of time. However, as their father, he should be having them 50% of the time or as close to as possible. Let your ds take annual leave or organise childcare for them. You go to work and use your annual leave to have some time away and let them have the house to themselves. I don’t know what the answer is if your ds is not going to be able to afford a house long term but it’s not reduced contact with his children.

But that's for him to address, whereas the OP seems to think the problem is his ex asking too much of him in the first place.

alright I get why the mumsnet populattion hates mother in laws now!

I think son needs to move out if you don’t want to accommodate his children.

the summer holidays are like 6 weeks and she is asking for two weeks. Assume she has work and won’t be off for the full 6 weeks and so paying for childcare etc.

Really miserable situation all round but son needs move out so he can have his children

Tbf I thnk its more that everyone is under ops roof and as it seems to be in London that roof might not be a big home. Op i think maybe just go with it and say it won’t be forever and perhaps sometimes go away yourself (if you can )when your DS has the kids. He getsto parent alone and you get a holiday.

I get that it’s exhausting for you but he is their father so his number one priority is to make this work. If it’s too much for you having them in your home then the answer is not for him to see them less. He HAS to make it work, however that is, he can’t just have a couple of occasional visits. He has to make some hard grown up decisions, perhaps move closer to the ex, perhaps change jobs, perhaps retrain, perhaps live somewhere he doesn’t want to. That’s life. His kids have to come first.

She absolutely can offer a home that doesn’t include them.

She doesn’t have to accept them into her house any more than she already does, and nor does she have to evict him. She didn’t become responsible for housing them because she chose to house her son.

That you think this should be the case, does not make it so.

Easier said than done with the housing crisis especially. London

I’m sure the children’s mother will be more than happy to have the kids extra and for your son to pay for all of their holiday club and wraparound care instead. He would then just be known as being an absolutely useless father that’s good for nothing other than providing finances for his children.That’s the alternative to having the children 50% over the holidays. He should be having them 3 weeks over the summer, not 1 or 2.

This isn’t 30 years ago when a huge amount of children were mentally impacted due to piss poor father’s - and that mental impact goes on for their whole lives, trust me. Most of those children have grown into adults who want to give their own children a better life - your son included apparently, considering he WANTS to have them more often.

My brother has full custody of one of his children. Men do do this. Times have changed. If you dont want the children at your house so much then say that. Maybe he can take the kids away in the holidays to give you a break

It's not childcare, it's parenting.

He needs to be parenting his own kids. You're not doing their mother any favours or providing childcare. If you've not got the energy to run around after them, he needs to make sure he is doing it. You've given him a home, you don't have to act like you're his kids' mother as well.

He needs to take as much of his A/L as he needs to parent his kids like everyone else has to and they need to spend a decent amount of time with their father.

You are looking at this all wrong.

I bet she is glad to be rid of you both, another ‘my little prince’ mother.

But…. It’s not childcare. They’re his kids 🤯 surely this is a reverse????

It’s going to be very hard for the ex to increase her earnings if he doesn’t do more parenting. It is in her best interest for the two of them to work together on this. If he truly can’t move to her location, it may be best for her and the children if they work together to find a new location where everyone could live closer together.

I can't believe you think you need to take time off work to help him parent his own kids!

That there tells us exactly why he's a useless article.

I'm married to my children's father and for the last 25 years 100% of our annual leave has been taken to take care of or spend time with our kids. That's exactly what parents do whether together or not.

It's your house so the part about you finding it too much is valid.

The rest is awful. They are his children, he should be having them more and of course his leave should go on childcare. He's father to three children.

Don't take time off to help him with the kids that is ridiculous. He's already living back at home with his mum, let him have the chance to act like an adult and parent his children.

Ideally he would get a new job somewhere cheaper like his ex did, so he wasn't dependent on you.