Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

It's her son!

@Moveoverdarlin She's his Mum, not his partner! The children are her grandchildren!

You asked ...
Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.
Just to put you straight, it is NOT childcare when it's your own children it is called being a parent.
His ex probably only works part time because your son has very few days with their children.
You are my age I think OP and your attitude is awful, I was a single Mum whose ex buggered off and has not seen DS once in 20+ years, if DS was in your DS's position and he moved back home I would be encouraging him to grab each and every moment he could with his children, if he didn't drive I'd go fetch them.
I work FT, have a chronic disability but I would never treat my grandchildren like they are a burden!

People don't generally expect to be compatible with their sons. It's illegal, for a start.

This is absolutely ridiculous.

Your son should step up and be a dad. School holidays are difficult to juggle for working parents and it shouldn’t just be down to the mother to sort this out. Your son has a responsibility towards his children. You are separate from this, if it’s too much for you then you need to tell your son to move out. Stop infantilising your son and demonising his ex for making reasonable requests.

For context, the summer holidays are 6 weeks and ex asked dad to have them for 2 weeks. The Easter holidays are 2 weeks and ex asked for 4 days. She’s not even asking for half. YABVU.

Its her son. Not a bf. Her son

Since he is their father he should really have them 50% of the time. And since that cannot be term time it needs to be during the holidays. But by the sounds of it he isn’t even doing half the holidays.
since you cannot accommodate his children he will need to move out to somewhere where he can have his children, and away from his enabling mother who thinks it is ok and normal that he shirks his responsibilities. And if he cannot afford it in that area he will just have to move. And find a new job. Because the current set up is not working with his family responsibilities.

I wouldn't evict my son if he was living with me post divorce because he couldn't afford anywhere else. And it sounds like the OP won't either.

So if she won't evict him...

And it would be utterly outrageous to have him reduce his parenting obligations...

She needs to suck it up.

I stand by my comment.

Jesus Christ. Just because it’s normalised doesn’t make it right that some men only see their kids every other weekend. These inequalities are reinforced by people like you “I just did it all”. We all did/ do. We all suffered the consequences of no life and little career progression.

There are 13 weeks of school holidays a year and you think doing 5 of them was too much? It so sad your son was willing to do them and you stopped him spending time with his kids

You are quite with your rights to leave him to it and not take leave, in fact I think you should. But please don't stop him spending time with his kids.

Sorry, got completely the wrong end of the stick.

If he is in London then 35k really isn’t a lot.

Why can he not move closer to his children? It would make much more sense that insisting on staying by the Piccadilly line for that wage which he can surely find elsewhere.

Then he needs to adjust what he is doing. He is a grown man, he can learn to drive, he can change job if need be, and move to somewhere he can afford that works for parenting his children. That is what adults do.

And as the poster says, you can get a nice flat in London for much less than you're quoting, and no one needs to live in a particular part of London, they can commute like everyone else.

It sounds to be honest like he wants it all his way and you're enabling that with this outdated attitude that women should do everything and the man just what suits him.

I feel sad to your son actually. He's gone from 100% time with his children to EOW and a few holidays. He must miss his children horribly.

Everyone I know with children use all their leave and money on their kids. Obviously as parents we try to have time and money for.ourselves but our kids come first, for both mothers and fathers.

So anyone on a low income is a 'deadbeat' in your book, are they?

My sympathies are ENTIRELY with the ex.

Ah I think all these questions about where he lives are an overstep - assuming he has 2 braincells I'm assuming he's thought through different options.

There are all kinds of jobs, like in the Theatre for example, where he might genuinely need to work somewhere he can get to Central London. That would make sense at that wage bracket as well.

Deadbeat comes to mind.

He needs to have them at least half of the holidays as well as every other weekend

Look I'm totally on team ex BUT I think the mumsnet community often have a bias of white collar jobs where people can work from anywhere. There are loads and loads of jobs which just aren't that flexible to 'just move'. For example he might be a contractor working long hours on a building site in London. If ex lives out in the sticks, maybe the green belt, maybe there's no construction there. He might work in the theatre. Or be a ballerina or opera singer and need to get to rehearsals at the royal opera house. I dunno. But there are definitely jobs where it's not as simple as 'just move'.

Does he pay any maintenance ? Or do you also think he shouldn't be doing that either ?

If you choose to have 3 kids and then split up with the mother and you can't afford to provide a home for your kids in the area you need to be for your career, you need to change career. Everyone would like to work in theatre but it's not a realistic job for a single father with 3 kids. It sounds like previously, the taxpayer funded their "traditional" lifestyle, but now he needs to step up.

All of his annual leave should have been with his kids because he is a parent. He needs to find a way to afford to live somewhere other than with you and be a more present week round father. Weekends and holidays with their mum doing all the grafting is 'a bit' shit. Stop helping him out, make his life with you uncomfortable so he moves out.

I see on here so much about people saying that gp are expected of too much and do a lot of childcare so I was expecting different opinions.

But this isn't about grandparents doing childcare, this is about a father parenting his own children.

And you seeming to think that everyone's bar should be set low because you didn't have much help (can see how he has this mindset).

How much of his ex's annual leave do you think goes on the kids? Is her time just less valuable than his?

Sorry but you don’t get to have a say in how your son manages his parenting responsibilities.