Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

Wowsers. You are so, so wrong. He should be doing 50% if possible. If she moved away (with his agreement obviously) then she should do most of the travelling but he should have the kids as much as humanly possible, and certainly for half of the holidays. He looks after them (not you, it's nothing to do with you unless you want to help), and puts them in holiday club when he needs to work. OF COURSE he should take most/all of his leave to look after his children. This is what parents do, divorced or not. How on earth is his ex going to work full time if she has the kids full time?

He needs to move out and find his own place. It's honestly not your problem. Tell him you don't want the kids at your place so much. That's perfectly valid. But HE needs to have them more - just in his own place.

@GreenTraybake She chose to move out of the area and presumably the children are now in schools near her so that's not realistic.

Her reasons for moving (more affordable area, family support) were completely logical, but she's created an unworkable distance for 50:50 at the moment.

Looking for a job closer to his children and getting his own place in that more affordable area makes sense though, then he could do 50:50 and she could work more.

@NightFever89 See above, he can't currently do 50% of school weeks as his ex has moved the children too far away. Longterm he could if he moves closer to them.

Why only 2 weeks in the summer? He should have them for half the holiday.

Exactly, it's not like he's earning an impressive salary to justify London prices. He can move where his ex lives and get a new job. Or anywhere else in the country. And so what if he's failed numerous times? My husband hated driving tests, it took him 9 goes, he was constantly stopping and starting because of Covid, but he kept going because it was what he needed to do to for his family. He still doesn't love driving now but he does it, for us.

Well, as he doesn’t have a car I’m guessing it’s the children’s mother doing all the graft.
I’d be ashamed of my DS if he ever behaved like this ( thankfully I know he’s very happily married and a brilliant father to my DGCs)

She's his mum, not his girlfriend. Not so easy to just "get rid"!

‘It’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks.’

But not a lot on their mother??!!

Sorry but your references are just wrong. Times have moved on.

When you were raising your kids (80s and 90s if he's in his 30s) people didn't wear seatbelts and died in car crashes. Cancer treatment was in its infancy and if you had cancer you just died. Husbands could still rape wives in marriage.

Society has moved on. The world moves on. If he was still married he would use 100% of his annual leave for childcare. If you have kids, you expect that you will use all your leave for childcare - both mum and dad - because the kids have way more school holidays than anyone has leave. And yes, parents have to pay for clubs or other childcare the rest of the time.

Kids take up all our money. We go into parenthood with this knowledge???

If he can't afford to move out you just need to suck it up I'm afraid. Maybe go stay with friends when the kids are round so you don't feel so knackered.

Sorry OP what's been suggested sounds really fair and a good balance for him getting time with his children.

You need to call it parenting not childcare. How much annual leave does a resident have to use?

They are his. children. Of course he should be using annual leave to be with them.

His ex is only asking him to spend a few weeks of the school holidays with them.
You and him ABVU

Is your son paying you any rent, OP? Or is he living at yours for free?

If he is taking time off work to care for them could he take them on holiday instead of being at your house? Kids would love it and it won’t be too tiring for you and might then enjoy the times that they are with you.

Plenty of deals for holiday parks in this country or just Airbnb by the beach.

Well he needs to learn to drive

Those poor children. It’s not childcare it’s parenting and he is getting off lightly. It sounds like he should move out to somewhere where he can have them more often. Also why do you need to take annual leave to help a grown man with his children?

“If he can't afford to move out you just need to suck it up I'm afraid. Maybe go stay with friends when the kids are round so you don't feel so knackered.“

She doesn’t, given that it’s her house. He’s the one that’s going to have to suck it up.

You are nearing retirement. Your son mid thirties. Stop taking annual leave for him. Take time out for yourself and go on holiday.

He only has the kids eow, you'd think he'd be asking for at least half the holidays!

So when his ex decided to move away for support & affordability, did he not think about learning to drive so that he could live closer & commute?

Or he just thinks that like now is with his mum because "job"?

If it was you being asked to do this amount of childcare then you would have got different responses as that would be unreasonable. But it’s not, it’s your son, the children’s dad. He is their dad, it’s not childcare - it’s being a dad.

This. And of course he can afford to move out. Maybe not to the perfect pad but he can afford something - if the ex only worked part time or was a SAHM then he presumably paid most of the rest when they were together. And now he needs a smaller place. If he is entitled to UC top up then he can apply for it. If not, he will be able to rent something on the private market, for sure. You're not really making sense. What does he earn?

So that’s a 30 year age gap if we’re going with that example. Have you ever thought you’re just not compatible OP? You are at hugely different stages of life. I don’t blame you at all for not wanting to be bothered with his kids, but he HAS to be.

Plus are you seriously thinking that the solution is that he sees his children less? Forever?

@Tiddlywinks63 Yes, the OP responded:

She does 80% of the travelling. I have occasionally done it. She offered to do the travelling as she moved away.

I agree that the OP's son needs to make some major changes so that he can be more involved in his children's lives.

This is shocking to read. He should be sharing the childcare with his ex. My ex has mine EOW with one night in between and dinner one night per week. My partner has his 50/50. This is more normal.

Sorry OP but you need to move with the times, it’s 2026 now. Why shouldn’t men pull their weight?