Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

They live too far apart for this to be workable with school (not to say he shouldn't be looking for a job in her area though)

no I said his ex has terrible transport links. That’s why it wouldn’t work for someone who doesn’t drive l to live there. I never lied. It is very difficult to get to where she is from where we are if you can’t drive. It would not work for him. He has tried to learn but has failed numerous times.

“Childcare”??! Like my friend’s ex-husband who says he’s “babysitting”…his own kids!! 🤔

He used all but 3 days of his annual leave entitlement to look after his kids??! Poor guy. He must be exhausted 🙄

I use 100% of all of my annual leave to look after my kids. Like nearly every parent 🤦🏼‍♀️

uc top ups. Why are people trying to catch me out.
i asked a question. Obviously I have been wrong with my expectations. I will revisit the holiday.

Gosh OP are you not a bit embarrassed your son has fathered 3 children and clearly looks after them barely a quarter of the time his ex does?!
I'm guessing you are 'burned out' because he expects you to do the childcare for him.
He needs to grow up a bit, sort himself out with his own place to live so that he can accommodate his children properly and you can go back to being granny that they pop in and see now and again.
I'm honestly flabbergasted you think his ex is unreasonable asking him 2 cover 2 weeks of summer holidays..... Leaving her with 4 still to cover by herself? How much annual leave do you think she gets to herself, pretty sure it'll be none she will have to use the lot and probably some unpaid leave besides to get through the year.

I don't think anyone is trying to catch you out as you put it. More trying to figure out how and why you keep making excuses as well as actively encouraging him to be a shit parent

The poor children. Not wanted or needed.

She does not need to be embarrassed, she is housing the son and doing granny childcare....it is not her who needs to be embarrassed

So you’re near retirement age and he’s paying off a student loan??? Is there a big age gap OP?

Thing is, I can’t believe you’re shocked by any of this. You let a man who can’t drive, can’t afford his own property, earns 35k with three kids move in with you? Did you think it would be a walk in the park? I would have run a mile. Why the hell do you want to be juggling childcare and school holidays at your age? Well judging by your post, you don’t. But he has three kids and doesn’t live remotely near them. He can’t just opt out, it’s his life. I’m sure he’s not a dead beat but 35k won’t stretch far with three children. He needs you a lot more than you need him. I’d get rid in a heartbeat.

I'm guessing you are 'burned out' because he expects you to do the childcare for him.

Honestly, I think it's reasonable for her to be burnt out even if she didn't do childcare/babysitting. OP has presumably lived alone for a number of years and now she has her son living with her all the time and three DGC (all under 10) living with her for chunks of time. Unless she walks around with headphones on and hides in her room every night they are there, it's a big change.

So you think it’s a lot for your son and feel he’s incapable of handling it himself, but you expect the mother to have them the majority of the time? Your son needs to move out and parent his kids more.

This is either rage bait or you committed to being one of the most regressive grandmothers in modern times.

Your son is barely parenting. He should have his children as close to 50% of the time as possible. He should be using practically every moment he is not working to parent. He should be exhausted. That is life with young children.

the only thing you can change is deciding not to live with your son. If you ask him not to have his children while he lives with you, you are a horrible person. They should be welcome there full time.

Ah yes, that tried and true idyllic traditional family set up where the woman does all the childcare and housework, the man does whatever he likes, and the government pays. It's like a Hallmark movie.

So you’re near retirement age and he’s paying off a student loan??? Is there a big age gap OP?

On earnings of £35k it will take 25-30 years to pay off a student loan, so if OP is 65 and DS is 35 (say) he's got a fair few years to go.

He is in his mis 30s.

x-post with OP!

He is not providing childcare ffs, they are his children he is parenting. I'm disgusted that you think its ok for his ex to do most of the parenting as god forbid he use his annual leave to be with his kids parent.
You are a disgrace I hope the mum tells the children why they werent allowed to come and stay with their dad. Vile

But nobody is expecting you, as a grandmother, to do anything.

This is about the child's father - who should be an equal parent - taking care of his own children.

Can you genuinely not see the difference?

Why do you think your son's ex should have to do so much when your ds does so little? Yes, she only works part time, but perhaps she would like to work more if she wasn't so burnt out from looking after 3 children by herself?

@burnedoutgrandma you need to take yourself out of the mix here.

It's your son's responsibility to parent his children, not yours. If it's too much for you then either he has to take them away, or put them into holiday club, or you have to take yourself away for a nice little holiday and leave him to it.

He needs to work it out with his ex wife, and you definitely should NOT be vetoing arrangements that she suggests - that's for him to do.

This must be a wind up.

Uh my parents are 62 and im 36 and pay a huge (in my eyes) amount of student loan. Not the point of the thread but why would this be unusual?

Op he should be doing 50% of all holidays and normal weeks too 🤷‍♀️

He should have them for half the holidays. You don't need to get involved or take any annual leave.