Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

Your son needs to use all his holidays to look after his own children. And as many weekends as possible. This should fall on him and not you.

I don't understand why he's still living with you 15 months after the split. Surely you were a stop-gap?

Unless he's paying you a lot of rent he should have been saving for a rental deposit and moving out. He's using you for childcare.

I see on here so much about people saying that gp are expected of too much and do a lot of childcare so I was expecting different opinions.

Why would you need to be doing childcare on his contact time?

To get to his exes town he would have to take an hour train then a two hour bu to get to them. It is closer driving but not by using public transport.

And this is why plenty of people who work in London commute. He can find somewhere he can afford, but is just going to have to suck up the commute time.

He’s a grown man with kids FFS, still living with his mum is pathetic.

Stupid post

Why are you taking time off work to assist your feckless son, instead of leaving him to get on with it?
It's ridiculous.

Your son needs to either move nearer to his ex and find a flat share or stay where he is, saving on his costs and take his children away for the summer. He could commute into London or learn to drive or change jobs to earn more, or even get a part time job. The reality for a lot of people now is that both parents are working full time and their children are in childcare before/after school, with childminders or grandparents (often working) doing their bit. Life is hugely expensive now - I’m older than you and didn’t have the luxury of staying at home as I was the higher earner - I worked full time as did DH and we covered the school holidays between us with help from childminders, grannies and aunties or took unpaid leave! You’re being very unreasonable!

I think he needs his own place It's good that he sees his children and looks after them but it's not good that your house needs to be taken over by them

@burnedoutgrandma So now we know why your son is a deadbeat dad. I'm raising my boys NOT to consider childcare and household chores as "female" duties.

Feel so sorry for your DIL, I really do.

Tbh he sounds pretty useless. How can she work more than "very part time" given his total lack of parenting input?

Stop enabling him and tell him to step right up.

He needs to move closer to them then and get a new job if needs be.

Why can’t he drive?

Ex should ask for 50/50 one week on week off actually. Taking care of your own children is not offering childcare.

What about that area is poor public transport? Its near a tube station.

His ex has poor transport links to London

also, he’s a father now time to grow up, learn to drive and live independently or working towards that. Get his name on the social housing list as well if rent is unaffordable. Is he just waiting around for another woman he can move (sponge off) in with? Or look at cheaper areas and be prepared to commute. Yes, he’s further from family but lofe
is full of hard choices and he’s an adult. And stop using all your annual leave as well. He can and should manage his own 3 children on his own without you. If he can’t then he had no business having 3 kids.

The OP got caught telling fibs there lol - lives on the picadilly line and near central london and public transport “not very good”

Ae you actually kidding??? For most parents, every single day of their annual leave is spent looking after their kids… as is every working day too!!!! Why on earth are you getting involved anyway? You sound like a MIL from hell.

This is insane. You say about men not doing 50/50, your son is still doing nowhere near 50/50. What about the school runs? Making the packed lunches, ironing the uniform, organising costumes etc? Who does the dentist and doctors? He is doing nowhere near what his ex is doing. I hate this attitude that women should be grateful if their ex is doing more than the very bare minimum.

Traditional?

What "traditional" set up includes Mum fending for herself whilst Dad lives with his mother?

"Traditional" men are supposed to protect and provide, what is he providing exactly?

OP you said in previous posts that ex DIL was a sahm, how is your son unable to afford a place of his own when previously he managed to fund and support his wife and 3 children?

But the difference here is that the GP are not expected to do childcare here. The parent is. It would be different if the GP is expected to do this care, but this is not the case here. I think it's absolutely reasonable for him to use his annual leave on his DC. He can also pay for holiday clubs

Oh jesus, dont even get me started on the annual leave comment... What else should he be doing? I'm baffled.

But London has great transport links, he'll have a lot of flexibility on where he lives. If his budget doesn't stretch to your presumably very nice area, that's life.

He is their father so should be using his annual leave for the school holidays, that’s what parents do. I think the best thing for your son would be to move out because you have very strange ideas about how often he should see his own children.