Is ds ex asking for too much childcare during holidays.

[burnedoutgrandma]

ds ex wife and him split up early last year, they were married a decade and have 3 kids. Due to the cost of living he came to move with me and she moved about an hour and 20 minutes away as she had some support there and it was much more affordable. I agreed that the kids could come every other weekend to see their dad. It goes well but they are high needs kids and I am older. Ds also agreed with ex that he would see them during the school holidays. I thought this would be a couple extra nights but in the last year he has had them 2 whole half terms, a chunk of Christmas’s holiday, 4 nights in Easter and last summer she asked for him to have them for 2 weeks broken down but I intervened with that and said it was taking far to much of his and my annual leave to have the kids. So ended up being a week and then some long weekends. I know ds would have been happy to have them but I just feel like it’s a lot on him to have them for big chunks and then I feel like I need to take time off to help him.

his ex has now messaged and asked again for a week at the beginning of summer holiday and the end. We have them May holiday as well. I have said again it is too much. They take over the house, the youngest doesn’t sleep well and the middle one is very fussy so it just feels like a lot. I am exhausted and DS is again either taking time off or putting them in holiday clubs which he is paying for. I have asked for it to be one week. Ex has got very very upset saying that I am interfering in ds relationship with the kids and this was meant to be the arrangement. Am I wrong for feeling like this is a lot of childcare she is expecting? Ds now is asking me to reconsider.

Going to praise your DS for actually doing his bit here. It must be difficult being a stay away father whilst also wanting to support the mum in as much as he can by offering to look after his own kids. Its of course exactly what he should be doing and as long as he is paying his cms payments all is good. He really could do without his own mother not supporting him in this.

His own living arrangements are kind of secondary but i would be careful how far you push this. He may up sticks and move somewhere cheaper where he can afford his own please. £35k in an expensive place to live is peanuts really. Hopefully his life improves and you get your home back some more but please, make it a positive that he is being part of his kids life, not a negative

Just to add i took it from the "he uses all his holidays" to mean he does the looking after the kids when they visit, not you.

He'd better learn to drive, and he'd better learn fast. Then for those 2 weeks of summer (at least) he can take his kids on holiday and leave you in peace. You are enabling an absolute manchild.

@burnedoutgrandma - don’t you want your grandchildren to have a better, more present, father than your children had? Don’t they deserve better than their dad is doing at the moment?

You can carry on making excuses while your son continues his half-arsed effort at being a parent, or you can tell him to do better. Sadly I suspect you will do the former.

Exactly. I live in a London commuter town for this exact reason. So do a large proportion of the rest of the town's population.

But the OP is about to make a bunch of excuses for why her baby boy couldn't possibly do that.

Fucking hell. And this is (supposedly) from a woman.

a. You don’t have to feel you need to take time off to help him, he can manage 3 kids by himself.

b. It is extremely interesting that you think this is far too much for him to parent when it is still WAY less than half. Turn it around and see how much time he does NOT have his own children, then ask yourself how his ex wife is managing.

c. I am almost certain she also ‘uses annual leave’ to take care of them - either that or works zero hours/freelance/flexibly intentionally so that she can be there for them.

By "all his family", I'm guessing you mean yourself (his mum) and his siblings? Surely a father should prioritise his children over that side of the family?

Public transport in london is excellent. It sounds like he needs to do what others do and commute.

A £35k wage in London is a low wage im amazed he opted to have three children in a city with some if the highest housing & childcare costs in the world.

If he’s saying on rent by living with you then he should save up to rent a holiday carivan or similar to have his kids in the summer if it’s too much for you, or treat you to a lovely hotel break so you can rest away from the stress of bus kids. It’s his responsibility to look after his kids.

I really hope this is a joke. 😳

Like I said, I hardly got any help.
I just got on with this - so did the other people

Look, it isn't help when men are parenting their own children.

It's not childcare. It's parenting.

Parenting and housework do not devolve upon women by default. Or they shouldn't.

I'm 70 next birthday and I had four children in the '80s and '90s.

My husband did half of the parenting and half of the housework. These tasks were not mine alone. I worked outside the home and so did he. I looked after the children when he was at work, and he looked after them when I was at work.

And I bet I'm older than you.

What area roughly?

Also there are loads of cheaper parts of london. They aren't the naice parts but they are what he can afford.

You are massively unreasonable. Holidays should be as close to 50:50 as possible. He should be using all his annual leave on his kids. I do and most parents do. He probably shouldn't be relying on you so much though. Oh and you are so unreasonable calling it childcare ... he is parenting his children.

Yabvu. The holidays are a chance to make up for the fact he only had them eow term time. Fair enough, more would be tricky as she chose to move but holidays are when this can be rectified. I’d have thought he’d be begging for more time. It’s his children just like it’s hers ffs

Its not you that should be doing the childcare duties when your son has his own children though, that's the difference.

Shouldn't this make you even more aware that your man is being an actual parent; whereas your ex is an asshole.

Its laughable op. You think he isn't a deadbeat when that's exactly what he sounds like.

So you want your son to be a disney dad and only see them here and there when he feels like it? childcare should be 50/50 and working parents normally have to use all or most of their annual leave on childcare to cover the holidays, I know I do and that’s with a hands on and involved husband also doing the same. If he does less ‘childcare’ i.e. parenting then his CMS payments will be higher and oh boo boo you’ll be moaning she’s stealing all his money while he never sees them. He needs his own place if the children are distrusting you - which is a fair complaint- not sponging off of you and using you for childcare. If that means moving further away so be it. No wonder we have such low expectations of men if their mothers have views like yours. Your friends are commenting it seems a lot (and what you described really isn’t) because they have the same attitudes to men and parenting as you, possibly with similar deadbeat sons.

It is however quite a lot for grandparent ‘childcare’ which is why he needs his own place. Otherwise it’s totally normal arrangement for fathers (who take parenting semi seriously, as he’s still not doing 50/50). And sorry if this was not your experience, it should have been in an ideal world.

disturbing*

The problem here is your sons living arrangements. If he were in his own place you would probably no feel so guilty and feel like you have to be his helper. You are absolutely interfering with his relationship with his children but he is letting it happen because he needs to move out.

I was puzzled by the poor public transport comment when op revealed they live in London…

You can live anywhere in London and get around by bus/train/tube!
honestly, you’re in the wrong here, so what if you were the care giver, you put up with that, but these days it’s about quality time with children. He could have them and take them on holiday and get a break with them, being a parent to the children, and you could be an active grandmother too and get involved rather than referee your DS and ex- Dil.

West London close to the Piccadilly line. Don’t want to say more than that.

This isn't your problem, it's your son's and why shouldn't he cover a good deal of the holidays? Note not you. We're still together but my wife and I share all childcare right down the middle. I have stuck with a job which means this works for us when a move and a payrise would be good. I'll move when both are in secondary. He needs to make this work.

Op, it’s 2026.
why do you think fathers should not parent equally to mothers?

just because your own ex was a thoroughly useless parent, it doesn’t mean your son should be too. But it is possibly where he learnt that fathers shouldn’t have to do half.

he isn’t doing anywhere near half. No where near.

it is also really embarrassing for you both that you are taking time off to help. Why? Is he incapable of looking after his own children? Why?

I can absolutely understand that you are fed up. But the direction you need to look in for blame, is your own son.