Was I U to tell a doctor she’ll understand when she’s a mum?

[Calmondeck]

I usually hate when people say things like “you’ll only understand when…”, “you don’t know because you’ve never…” etc etc

But today I found myself telling a newly graduated doctor that she won’t understand until she’s a mother.

For context, a neighbour (aged 4) had a huge crash on their bike. Their helmet was dented from the impact and they had blood gushing from their forehead. There were no other adults around, just myself and my children, I attended to the child until his mother found him. At this point the child and I were covered in so much blood that both our shirts were soaked.

By coincidence the mother had a friend present, a newly graduated doctor, who told us proudly that she’s so used to seeing screaming children and overly anxious parents that she’s immune to it. She just walks into anxious rooms and “ignores the vibe”.

There was a pause, and I found myself saying she’ll understand if she ever becomes a mother.

She didn’t say anything in reply.

This has got under my skin. My child fought cancer for several years at an age where his doctors really relied on my husband and I to interpret his pain, translate toddler speak, spot symptoms etc. The team told us on day 1 of the diagnosis that no one knows the child better than the parents (they actually said mother but I chose to ignore this slightly patriarchal view) and they needed us to be vocal. My husband and I, who are pretty relaxed, originally thought “we’ll trust the professionals (ie the doctors)” but realised quickly that we really did need to point out things.

I see this neighbour almost daily, and will run into her doctor friend undoubtedly over the coming days (she is staying with them). Would it be unreasonable to tell her she needs to stop being immune to upset kids and their appropriately concerned parents?

Yes that was completely obnoxious. A lot of women would hate to be mothers and intelligent people are capable of imagination hypotheticals without trudging through them in practice.

She doesn’t sound like much of a doctor if she ignored an injured child in front of her.

A good doctor doesn’t ’ignore the vibe’.
they use all information presented to them.

Yes.

You don’t want a doctor distracted by the vibe and joining the anxiety. You want them to be concentrating on the situation. Yes, they need to take input on context from parents but they don’t need to join the hysteria.

I think it is fine to ignore worriers in medicine tbh

Did she check the child at all?

I’m wondering if what she says was a misunderstanding.

I have worked with people where other people would be shocked at their stories/behaviour but I am immune to it as I’m so used to it.

Is it possible that she was explaining that she can stay so calm because she’s so used to being around it - obviously that’s a massive part of being a doctor. If she was panicking then she’d make an awful one.

Obviously her bedside manner is shocking and she needs to learn fast how to be more appropriate.

Twattish thing for you to say and particularly painful if for example she’s infertile.

Doctors don’t need to be emotional in times of emergency.

“The team told us on day 1 of the diagnosis that no one knows the child better than the parents”

my parents had no idea I was in extreme mental distress as a child (or they didn’t care) so I always think this is total bs. Plenty of parents haven’t got a clue.

YABU to say “you’ll understand when your a mother” bet you wouldnt have said similar to man. It’s always used to belittle women.

I would have thought she meant as a third party she stays calm (better for a child) and doesn’t shriek, panic and fuss as a lot of parents do.

You shouldn’t have said that

What is she supposed to do anyway?

Start screaming along with the child and join the parents in being overly anxious?

She’d be a shit doctor if she did that and would come across as bat shit.

she’s so used to seeing screaming children and overly anxious parents that she’s immune to it. She just walks into anxious rooms and “ignores the vibe”

Sounds to me like a misunderstanding- I’d interpret this remark to mean that she keeps her cool, which is what you want in a doctor surely? The last thing you want is for the doctor to be anxious and panicked. I wouldn’t interpret this as being critical of anxious parents.

She sounds like a bit of a twat. She was visiting a friend, the friend’s child was injured to the point of soaking their top with blood, and she thinks that’s the moment to announce how she’s immune to “overly anxious parents”? How is that helpful? It’s horribly patronising.
And it does sound like she’s the kind of dr who would be quite dismissive of parental concerns - I once had a dr dismissing my concerns about DD2 who was 6 weeks old. She told me it was nothing, then she happened to ask if I had other children. I said I had an older child, and she replied “oh well now I know you’re not just an anxious first time mum, I think you should go to A&E.” DD2 ended up being admitted. That dr probably proudly talked about not listening to parents she deems anxious.

This… when dc2 had sepsis and was very very very unwell.. I was hysterical.. the doctor was fantastically calm and matter of fact, that was exactly what needed to happen

I think you've misinterpreted what she said and you shouldn't have said that.

I see this neighbour almost daily, and will run into her doctor friend undoubtedly over the coming days (she is staying with them). Would it be unreasonable to tell her she needs to stop being immune to upset kids and their appropriately concerned parents?

Whilst I don't agree with what you said, as a pp mentioned the doctor might be infertile or just not what to have children, it's done now. But that sounds like you plan on bringing this up again if you see her. That would definitely be unreasonable IMO. You said your piece at the time, just leave it now.

What? I don't get it? What is she supposed to 'understand' exactly?

How to treat the child's injury? Presumably she does, and much better than you!
Why you were upset - you don't say you were?
Why the child was upset - surely that was blindingly obvious?

Same with "needs to stop being immune to upset kids and their appropriately concerned parents" - so how should she react instead? Surely most people WANT their doctor to be able to detach themselves and act professionally in a medical setting - it wouldn't exactly inspire confidence if the doctor started crying alongside the child.

Your post is so incoherent I can't even decide if you were being unreasonable because I can't work out what on earth you mean!

She wasn’t to know your specific history (which I’m very sorry about) and that what she said might be triggering for you. I wonder if she actually did say it ‘proudly’ or whether that’s your interpretation, she may have just been reflecting on her life.

In turn, you’ve got no idea whether she’s diagnosed infertile, does or doesn’t want kids, is gay (in which case if she wants them even if she’s fertile it will be harder and possibly more expensive), etc. All of which are good reasons for not making the comment you made.

Yes I think you probably were unreasonable .
Who wants a doctor who doesn't remain calm and gets themselves into a flap around anxious parents and upset children .I think that's probably what she meant, not that she is dismissive of parents.

Yes. "You'll understand when you're a father" - said literally no one ever in the history of the world.

It's reductive bullshit used to pit women against each other. If you have half a brain and an ounce of empathy you can perfectly well understand most things.

Nurse here. This was rude - you don't know what she meant but believe me when I say if we got upset by screaming children at work we'd all be signed off sick/unable to work.

Many medical professionals deliberately keep a focus on the need not emotions.

Scalp wounds bleed loads, and a relatively small amount of blood looks dramatic on clothing. As a doctor she needs to ignore the panicking adults, eyeball the situation and assess that a) the helmet being dented means the helmet is likely to have absorbed the impact and protected the child's skull and b) it's a scalp/forehead wound that is dramatic but unlikely to be serious. How to stay calm, professional and reassuring is literally taught in medical school.

Telling another woman how she will feel 'when' she has children is incredibly patronising.

actually I've changed my mind, even without knowing what on earth you were on about, you were still unreasonable for saying 'when you're a mum,' for many reasons.

a newly graduated doctor, who told us proudly that she’s so used to seeing screaming children and overly anxious parents that she’s immune to it. She just walks into anxious rooms and “ignores the vibe.

Newly minted Drs don’t usually have a great deal of experience of screaming children. It’s not so much about when she becomes a mother, but when she learns to grow up and becomes a proper [safe] Doctor.

I hope the child is OK.

Her comment was annoying but yours was v bad. Not everyone becomes a parent.