Was I U to tell a doctor she’ll understand when she’s a mum?

[Calmondeck]

I usually hate when people say things like “you’ll only understand when…”, “you don’t know because you’ve never…” etc etc

But today I found myself telling a newly graduated doctor that she won’t understand until she’s a mother.

For context, a neighbour (aged 4) had a huge crash on their bike. Their helmet was dented from the impact and they had blood gushing from their forehead. There were no other adults around, just myself and my children, I attended to the child until his mother found him. At this point the child and I were covered in so much blood that both our shirts were soaked.

By coincidence the mother had a friend present, a newly graduated doctor, who told us proudly that she’s so used to seeing screaming children and overly anxious parents that she’s immune to it. She just walks into anxious rooms and “ignores the vibe”.

There was a pause, and I found myself saying she’ll understand if she ever becomes a mother.

She didn’t say anything in reply.

This has got under my skin. My child fought cancer for several years at an age where his doctors really relied on my husband and I to interpret his pain, translate toddler speak, spot symptoms etc. The team told us on day 1 of the diagnosis that no one knows the child better than the parents (they actually said mother but I chose to ignore this slightly patriarchal view) and they needed us to be vocal. My husband and I, who are pretty relaxed, originally thought “we’ll trust the professionals (ie the doctors)” but realised quickly that we really did need to point out things.

I see this neighbour almost daily, and will run into her doctor friend undoubtedly over the coming days (she is staying with them). Would it be unreasonable to tell her she needs to stop being immune to upset kids and their appropriately concerned parents?

Shitty thing to say.

She shouldn’t have said it.

Are there times when a child’s wellbeing or even life has depended on my ability to screen out other things, including parents? Yes. Are there parents who negatively affect their child’s care and can even make them less safe? Yes.

Did becoming a parent change that? No.

Becoming a skilled and experienced doctor is all this intern needs to do. She can be an excellent doctor without having children. It’s sad that you can’t see that. I certainly wouldn’t say anything more to her.

There is a difference between remaining clam in a stressful situation (good trait in medics), and ignoring a worried parent (generally not great, especially in paediatrics). She probably (hopefully) articulated this poorly.

But your response was unreasonable. She may not want or be able to have children. And many medics are more than capable of being empathetic despite not having personal experience of whatever is going on.

I think it was a pretty obnoxious comment.

I work in a children's hospital. I don't have kids. I hate it when people tell me they needed to have kids to do their job properly/ understand kids as I feel the implication is that I mustn't be very good at my job.

In actual fact my feedback regularly confirms the contrary.

Yes, you were being a twat, and patronising

She's not saying she doesn't understand why parents are anxious, or children are upset. She's saying she can stay calm under pressure. Every child with a head wound is screaming, every parent is incredibly anxious. Most of these children are fine. You can't be treating children if you get worked up by them crying and anxious parents.

I think that her remark wasnt appropriate or needed, surely no one asked her about that. Equally I think your answer didnt make any sense. Dont say anymore to her, you will make a fool of yourself.

Yeah, nothing like being an over-anxious worrier to cause (checks OP) actual gushing head wounds and childhood cancer.

If only OP hadn’t been worried, everything would have been fine, right?

Listening to parents can save lives @Calmondeck.

There’s decent research evidence, published in the Lancet, that supports this - parental concern is a better predictor of critical illness than clinical observations.

www.theguardian.com/society/2025/may/30/parental-intuition-better-at-spotting-child-illness-than-vital-signs-study-finds-marthas-rule

She will learn - hopefully.

I think I was a very different social worker pre and post children!

Sorry, this really isn’t true, especially if it’s parents who are worrying. They know the child best and they have a long-term view. Yes, you may have an over-anxious parent but you also may have a completely sensible parent who is anxious because they see / know things you don’t. Assuming the former rather than the latter is true based on limited evidence of a brief encounter at a stressful time is arrogant and dangerous.

I think you've taken this remark and made it into something it wasn't. Dr's need to be calm under pressure. My dd burnt herself with boiling water as a baby I was a state, my nurse neighbour took her and put her under the shower her husband called the ambulance. I'm very glad she kept calm and prevented my child from scarring. Parents can panic in these situations. Dr's need to detach otherwise they would have a mental breakdown. Her not being a parent doesn't mean she won't be a good Dr. As pp have stated a head will bleed a hell of a lot, it doesn't mean it's a life threatening injury.

it was an unnecessary comment and you wouldn’t have said anything like that to a male doctor. This casual misogyny is so depressing. You also have no idea of her circumstances.

I don't understand why you are assuming that she'll become a mother at any point?

Would you prefer she walks in, panics and bursts into tears???

Yes this.
I've had two occasions where I've had to declare my own qualifications in order to be taken seriously by doctors thinking I was just an anxious parent. One could have been life threatening for my son. Obviously not ideal.
But I don't think being a parent is an essential to being a good paediatric doctor any more than any other doctor would need to have personal experience in their area of specialism. C

They have a fair bit. They'd be doing the very very long shifts in A&E while training where they've seen all manners of panic and screaming children.

Your reaction was quite in order.

Don't worry about it, it won't be mentioned. I expect your friend felt the same as you. However you were not rude at all.

The girl should learn to think before she opens her mouth and maybe you have helped her to do so. We all live and learn.

I am sorry for you and all involved in this horrible happening - but it's over and all will be well, bless you.

YABVU, what an idiotic thing to say. Who wants a doctor who panics and becomes hysterical. Also, she might not even want to be a mum, not everyone does you know, and whether you believe it or not some parents are able to remain calm in the face of accidents/illness also.

Yours was a bloody awful comment to make to another woman.

You do know some mothers abuse/neglect/hurt their children, don’t you? It doesn’t automatically make you a better person.

YANBU to expect a doctor to read the room and perhaps have shared the importance of your own experience when it came to doctors trusting your judgement in a situation involving your child.

YABU to presume she wants to or will ever be a mother. It's the 'when' which was unacceptable.

If people could be trusted to be rational there would be a much shorter waiting list for healthcare

I think this too

If you’d said something like that her comments were poorly judged in that situation, that would have been understandable.

What you said was sexist bollocks.

Yes
She's saying that she can keep calming these difficult circumstances, which is exactly what she needs to do

Also, you don't know anything about her as a person and it's just a wrong thing to say. She may never have children she might not want to she might not be able to

Really horrible thing to say for so many reasons

She is new, as you've said. She's just qualified and is probably really proud but also a little clumsy when it comes to bedside manner. She was also among friends and may have even been a bit jokey? I hope she helped the little one regardless.

But yeah, your response was also patronising and others have pointed out, she may never be able to have children. I wouldn't say anything further, unless perhaps to apologise and give her the opportunity to apologise too.

A friend said this to me at a time when I was sruggling with fertility issues. 12 years and 2 kids later, I’ve still never forgotten the crushing hurt. It’s unthinking comments like yours that stay with people for life. There was absolutely no need to get so personal when she was clearly just trying to keep the situation calm (albeit very clumsily).

Her bedside manner will improve with time and experience, whereas you, I fear, will probably always be a bit of a cow.